Many of you in ze press have called for replay in futbol. Zis is not possible. FIFA, she believes in humanity, and all of its flaws.

Zey say we can just watch zese replays and fix ze mistakes of our referees. And I say, what was broken zat needs to be fixed? Technically, yes, the calls are incorrect. But it is not ze point of what we call Ze Beautiful Game to get things right. Perish the thought! How unbelievably gauche.

And in ze final analysis, what is right, anyhow? Getting things correct? Technically, yes. But zis does not concern us.

Europeans believe in humanity. We are, after all, the land that gave the world Beethoven, Einstein, Camus, and Benny Hill. Humans make mistakes, and we should not “correct” zat any more zan we should “correct” a sunrise or a volcano. If zat means a team gets eliminated from World Cup contention on an obvious handball, or two round-of-16 matches are almost ruined by hideous calls–so be it.

Who believes in replay? Americans, that’s who. Zey strive for robotic efficiency and perfection. It sickens me. Let zem have zeir pasteurized cheese and frozen foods and filtered cigarettes. Ze rest of ze futbol world, we shall embrace humanity. Flawed, ugly, stupid humanity.

We believe zis teaches a valuable nature to our players about ze true nature of ze universe: Zat we live in void which is, if not godless, zen ruled by a blind idiot god whose arbitrary decisions make no sense to our minds. Against such hopelessness, what can mankind do but assert our free will, however pointless is may be?

So zere will be no replay or review of any kind. Not for any play on the pitch. Or our disastrous, nepotistic hotel scheme. Or our completely unfair ticket reselling policies. We at FIFA believe in humanity far too much to allow zat to happen. In particular, we believe in covering ze asses of ze collection of humanity known as our leadership.

To humanity!