Whatever World War II movie is in the bin next to the cash register at Duane Reade- Moving back into his rec room
- New Craftsman ratchet set, with a carrying case that stacks perfectly on top of last year’s ratchet set
- Watching a ballgame on the couch together in complete silence
- A teddy bear wearing a tie for some fucking reason
- Four pounds of bacon
- Poem about how his emotional distance made you afraid to trust, delivered to freshman composition class
- The biggest, golf-iest coffee table book on the Barnes and Noble clearance stack
- Dinner out at “the good Applebees” (the one not in the mall)
- A Barbie because Barbies are pretty mommy we should get one
- Biting tongue until it bleeds when asked “Is that what you’re wearing?”
- Insulin
- Lengthy, unprompted dinnertime lecture on the superiority of Scandanavian-style socialism
- The highest-priced cologne Caldors has to offer, preferably with a cowboy-hat top
- Some god damn peace and quiet, for Christ’s sake
- Tickets to the local amphitheater to see that weird old singer he likes; you know, the one with the beard?
- Allowing him to change the oil on your car before that shitbox of yours breaks down in the ghetto or something, god forbid
- Notarized DNR order
A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants
