With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, soon-to-be-retired Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox.

Oh, Jesus H. Fuck, ump! You gotta be shitting me! That was a god damn strike! Get the dicks out of your eyes!

/mumbles incoherently for ten minutes

They’re fuckin us big time today, Leo. They are fucking us like cheap whores, and they don’t even have the common god damn courtesy to pay for it.

Who does Valentine have warming up in the bullpen? Cook? Mahomes? I’m gonna send up Howard Battle, so he’ll burn Cook, then swap him out for Ryan Klesko. That son of a bitch won’t know what hit him.

Unless he brings in Wendell. Fuck almighty, hadn’t thought of that.

Hey Leo, get Avery up in the bullpen. I don’t care if his god damn arm is on fire! Get him warmed up, for fuck’s sake!

Whaddya mean Avery’s retired?! Fine, get up Russ Springer, Terry Mulholland, Mark Wohlers, and some other guy warmed up then.

Roger, who’s Roger? You? Since when are you named Roger, Leo?

The NFC South? Shitballs, I dunno. The Saints won last year, didn’t they? Put some money on the Saints then. I like that Reggie Bush feller. And Archie Manning, he’s a good’un.

Christ on a washline, ump! That was a strike! I mean a ball, it was a ball, for fuck-on-fire’s sake!

/umpire ejects him

Jesus, these umps got rabbit ears these days. Can’t hardly question their sexuality without getting rung up. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office, watchin my stories.