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Flogging a Dead Chimp

As soon as I heard that a NY Post editorial cartoonist was in hot water, I knew it was Sean Delonas. Sure, he’s the only editorial cartoonist they have, but he’s also the worst cartoonist on the planet.

I honestly don’t think Delonas intended to be racist, or even crypto-racist, when he portrayed the author of the stimulus package (who he insists is not meant to be Obama, although who else could it be?) as The Infamous Mad Chimp that terrorized Stamford, CT. I just think he’s stupid enough to not know the racist undertones of what he drew, or too ignorant to realize that there’s a long history of racist imagery involving monkeys.

The cartoon isn’t really a racist joke because it’s not a joke at all. He just shoe-horned a political news story (stimulus package) with a crazy non-political news story (mad chimp). It’s the hallmark of someone who’s dumb and unfunny, but thinks he’s really smart and hilarious. It’s says to the reader, See, I read the news! These two things happened in the news! Get it? It’s funny cuz they happened!

Delonas went to the Jack T. Chick School for Portraying Bitterness and Revenge in Art. I can totally see him drawing sinners roasting in hell, and laughing with each stroke. That would be a lot of laughs, because the guy loves to cross-hatch. His cartoons are so dark (literally and figuratively), I wonder how the Post can afford all the ink needed to print them.

Or how any light can escape them. The universe of his cartoons is one of dirt and despair and hopelessness and All-Encompassing Wrong. Every character in his cartoons looks like a police sketch of a dead hobo.

I see his cartoons all the time on the subway, as my fellow passengers flip through copies of the Post. I can spot them out of the corner of my eye from 15 feet away, and immediately I feel a little ill. I know that on that page, some political leader Delonas doesn’t like is being lowered into a vat of acid, or shot out of a cannon, or dropped from the top of the Empire State Building. The man is not subtle. Or sane.

About 20 years ago, a trend popped up in cartoons: The Landscape Far Side Imitators. Newspapers wanted one-panel cartoons with a Far Side sensibility, but they also wanted them to use the same dimensions as the other comic strips on the page. Because newspaper editors are lazy and unimaginative (gee, I wonder why papers are in such trouble these days?).

So they came up with all of these one-panel cartoons that had the same dimensions as Peanuts and Hagar the Horrible. Unfortunately–aside from being powerfully unfunny–these cartoons had way too much real estate to fill, and were drawn/written by people who had zero idea how to fill it.

So in these cartoons, all of the real action takes place in one corner, while the rest of the strip is devoted to unnecessary renderings of a sidewalk, or a kitchen countertop. Visually confusing, distracting, and completely devoid of humor–and the comics pages are full of this garbage these days. Again, any wonder why newspapers are dying?

Delonas belongs to this school of cartoonsmanship, times a thousand. Because he actually has far more space to fill than the average Far Side imitator. But rather than expand his ideas, he draws small, grimy figures and surrounds them with small, grimy details. Like decrepit buildings, crumbling asphalt, dying trees…

And rats. Guy loves to draw rats I would bet he has several copies of Willard on DVD in his house (both original and Crispin Glover editions).

Delonas was born way too late. He would have made a great contemporary of Hieronymous Bosch. Or he could have illustrated “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” But no, he gets to plague our age with his insane visions. Thanks, history!

Joe Torre Revisits History

fran1.jpgWelcome b-hack to the Mike Francesa program. My guest is Joe Torre, who wrote a book that’s pretty interestin. Pretty interestin. If you like books that are interestin, you will like dis book. Lotta headlines outta dis book. Lotta big news. It’s a book with a lotta stuff in it. A book made of pages.
torre2.jpgThanks, Mike, I think you summed it up pretty well.
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So Joe, has the passage of time led you to rethink certain things about your years as a manager?
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Well, back in 2000 I defended Roger Clemens pretty hard when he beaned Mike Piazza, and when he threw a bat at him in the World Series. I now have some reason to suspect that steroids might have had something to do with his behavior.
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What l-hed you to that conclusion?
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I watched the World Series footage. With my eyes.

Continue reading Joe Torre Revisits History

Vehicular Homicide (of Your Own Dignity)

Speaking of commutes, my morning trip to work involves a lengthy walk once I de-bus. And on my way to the office, I saw a car with several hats in the back window. One of them said ALLENDALE TEQUILA TEAM.

My first thought was, Does this belong to a contestant on Tool Academy? But it was a Honda Civic, and I picture guys from that show driving souped-up Camaros with spinny rims and purple neon around the license plate.

So who could this car possibly belong to? It has to be the kind of person who (1) would actually purchase such a hat, or accept it as a gift from someone, and (2) be so proud of it that they’d display it in their car, and (3) be dumb enough to not think twice about such a move.

Because that’s totally what you want cops to see while you’re driving: an article of clothing in your car that says THERE’S A BETTER THAN 50% CHANCE THIS GUY’S DRUNK RIGHT NOW. I can’t see any way that could lead to you getting pulled over.

Because there are many alcoholic beverages that can be appreciated without inebriation, but tequila is not one of them. If you’re drinking tequila, you have one goal: getting sloshed. And if you have a hat advertising your membership in a TEQUILA TEAM, that further implies that you are extremely dedicated to getting effed up as much as possible.

I almost wanted to stick around and wait for this guy to get back to his car. But either he would be exactly what I think he is–some fat mess in a sweatshirt that says SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PARTY NAKED–or a hipster who put the hat their for its ironic value. Best to marvel at the sight and move on.