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Life In These United States

Jim Cramer Won’t Stop Believin’

kramer.jpgJim Cramer’s back again with Mad Money, comin’ atcha via Webcam from an undisclosed Panera bread location. Here’s my latest Buy Now! notice: the strawberry yogurt parfait. Delicious and reasonably priced!

I just gotta tell ya, folks, I stand by my statement that President Obama’s policies have made him one of the worst wealth destroyers in American history. Sure, most of that wealth was imaginary, due to Ponzi schemes and backdoor deals and other assorted forms of skullduggery. That doesn’t matter! The point is, we all used to be rich on paper, and now we’re broke in real life!

What bothers me is that Obama doesn’t seem to understand how the stock market works. He thinks it operates on actual value of companies and their products. It has nothing to do with anything real! If it did, the world financial markets would’ve collapsed decades ago!

Here’s what happens on a typical Wall Street day. First, all of the traders bow before the altar of Gorlaqk the Dread and pay him obeisance. Then, they run around like maniacs for 7 hours. They don’t know why. They don’t know how. They have no idea what they’re even doing! They just perform acts they are compelled to do, in an almost supernatural trance-state, and when it’s all over they stare in disbelief at the carnage they’ve caused. It’s like a Celtic battle frenzy, in suspenders!

Wall Street is not made up of individuals who act of their own free will! Wall Street is an empathic organism that feeds on the collective emotions of the hive mind! So when traders feel good, the Dow goes up! And when current events make them nervous or sad, the Dow goes way down. So I lay the Street’s troubles on your doorstep, Mr. President!

Okay, the manager just told me to keep it down. Gotta keep quiet–I don’t wanna get kicked outta here like did at that Cosi down the block.

Why did I tell you to gobble up shares of Wachovia? Because me and their CEO are best buds? No! It’s because I know that Wall Street needs positive vibes to succeed! I believed with all my heart that stock wouldn’t fail! I had to totally ignore every single warning sign that Wachovia would turf out to do that, but I did it, by god!

So why did they fail? Because you didn’t believe hard enough. I did my part. Wachovia didn’t fail, Bear Stearns didn’t fail, AIG didn’t fail, Citigroup didn’t fail–you did. You should be ashamed of yourselves, America.

I called up the president. I said, listen, all you need to revive the Dow is to believe! Address the American people on TV and clap your hands three times if you believe in the Dow! Do you believe in the Dow? I KNOW YOU DO!!!

Can you believe that President Obama didn’t say anything?! I mean, I’m not a 100 percent sure I actually talked to him. I don’t have his private line, so I just dialed 1-800-2DAPREZ. Since nobody picked up, I just talked to the dialtone. But the fact that he wouldn’t figure out I was trying to reach him–me, Jim Cramer!–makes me shudder for the economy’s future.

I’m gonna get another bear claw, but when we return, I will attack my parents for being some of the worst Santa Claus- and Tooth Fairy-destroyers in history.

Politics Schmolitics

Joe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep

jtp.jpgJoe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep, Joe the Plumber speaking. How may I help you?

Dianne Feinstein? Okay. What’s your reason for wanting to slap her?

She bad mouthed the troops? Could you cite a specific example of her doing that?

Nah, I’m just pulling your chain. That sounds like something she’d do. Your word is good enough for me.

Would you like to request a certain type of slap? We offer Victorian duel, pimp, naughty child, and my patented slap, the Ass-Reddener.

Okay, I’ll put you down for Victrorian duel. A very popular choice. Any other Congressmen you’d like me to slap?

Ted Kennedy? He’s recovering from a stroke, from what I understand. So I’m afraid I’ll need a note from his doctor that indicates a clean bill of health before I can slap him. Sorry, but we have to cover our bases. Insurance and all that. I’m sure you’ll understand.

Harry Reid? No problem. Shall I put you down for another Victorian duel, or would like to upgrade to a double-slap? For ten extra bucks, you get two slap styles of your choice.

You want me to shoot Harry Reid? No, we don’t do that here at Slap-a-Rep. We only slap.

Yes, I know I mentioned shooting lawmakers in my press conference. However, I was only speaking about historical precedent. You know, back in the old days, when citizens were allowed to shoot politicians.

Sure, it used to happen all the time. Totally legal. In fact, the government used to encourage citizens to shoot guys you didn’t like. My great-great-great-grandfather shot Grover Cleveland twice. Yeah, once for each non-consecutive term.

Listen, I’d love to shoot Harry Reid, believe me. But you know how these government regulations are. I shoot somebody and you the next thing you know, I lose my slapping license.

Well, no, I don’t actually have a slapping license. But hey, I don’t want John Law knocking on my door, know what I’m saying?

Okay, thank you for using Joe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep.

Politics Schmolitics

Rhymes with “Swindle”

jindal.jpgHello citizens of Louisiana! Hope you’re havin fun this Mardi Gras! Or at the very least not interfering with tourists having a good time, which is now against the law.

Governor Bobby Jindal here. I’m here to assure you that you don’t need to worry anymore. I won’t accept that nasty stimulus package money! That nasty, stinky, smelly stimulus money from Washington! Or as I like to call it, Sin Town!

I call it that because I can’t think of something insulting that rhymes with Washington! It’s so evil it doesn’t rhyme with anything!

Truth be told, I’m not going to reject all of the stimulus package. I mean, a man’s gotta eat! But never fear, I will reject the sickest, vilest part of the package–unemployment insurance.

Maybe you don’t understand unemployment insurance. Well, let me tell you, it’s just about the worst thing to ever happen to this country, right after the designated hitter and Will & Grace. F’rinstance, did you know that in order to collect unemployment, you have to be unemployed?

See? That’s how they trap ya! You quit your job so you can get some of that sweet unemployment dough. Next thing you know, you’re on welfare, too. And eating government cheese–which, as we all know, contains a secret narcotic agent that makes you desire premarital sex, believe in evolution, and smoke crack.

How can you get by in these tough times without government money? Do what your grandparents did–pull yourself up by your leather bootstraps! And then boil those leather bootstraps, which should make them semi-edible.

Barring that, why not learn from some of our brothers in the Bayou. Expand your palate! Ever had alligator? Possum? Skunk? Hey, there’s no better time to try it than now!

And why grab some easy federal money when you can try for some easy state money? Yes, the Louisiana State Lottery! Pick 3, Pick 4, Easy 5, and scratchoffs, scratchoffs, scratchoffs! Someone’s gotta win–why not you? Other than the astronomical odds against it, of course.

Remember what Reagan taught us, folks–government is the problem, not the solution. And I’m going to spend the rest of my career in public office proving him right!