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Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President

obama.jpgThere have been a lot of untruths out there about my health care plan. So I want to reassure the American people that illegal immigrants will not be covered under this plan.
joew.jpgYOU LIE!
obama.jpgNo, I don’t actually. And I think it’s highly disrespectful of you to just yell at the President of the United States like that. If you disagree with me, fine, but…
joew.jpgYOU’RE NOT FUNNY!
obama.jpgI’m not trying to be funny. This is not a comedy club.
joew.jpgFREEBIRD!
obama.jpgWow, there’s a blast from the past. When you’re done with that brilliant retort, 1993 needs it back. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to deliver a speech here.
joew.jpgYOU SHOULD DELIVER MY WAITRESS OVER HERE SO I CAN GET ANOTHER GIN AND TONIC!
obama.jpgYou’ll have to speak up. I don’t speak Inbred Cracker Peckerwood.

Continue reading Joe Wilson vs. Barack Obama, the Insult Comedy President

Rush Limbaugh’s Society for Things that Look Like Other Things

limbaugh.jpgWelcome back to the show. Listen, I think I need to clarify some remarks I made. For some reason, some people get all bent out of shape when you mention Adolf Hitler.

Look: I’m not saying that Barack Obama is exactly like Adolf Hitler. That would be insane! I just think he does certain things that resemble things Hitler also did. They both eat. Are you aware of that? You won’t hear the liberal media talk about that, but it’s true!

And how about the logo for Obama’s health care plan? It looks almost swastika-esque, in my opinion.

Not overtly, of course. No one would come right out and make a logo that looks like a swastika–not even the O-bum-a administration. No, they’re too subtle and sneaky for that. You have to stare at this thing for a while before it becomes apparent. Really stare at it. For like, five hours. Then smack yourself upside the head and pop three Vicodin. And throw some salt in your eyes.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? The Obamas make me jump through all these hoops so I can see their Nazi imagery. I have to sit around and do all this work, just to it will resemble something evil. Is there anything they won’t stoop to?

Know what else I’ve been noticing? Nancy Pelosi looks an awful lot like Joseph Goebbels. Again, this is not something you would notice at first glance. Or second. Or third, or tenth, or seven hundred and twenty-fifth. It takes a truly keen intellect like mine, with the mental stamina to squint at the same thing for several hours without blinking. And to do so after ingesting a fistful of Percocet.

Not to mention, this golden microphone that I use, it looks a lot like the torch wielded by the runner in Leni Riefenstahl’s Olympia. Maybe this is the same torch hoisted in that film. Yes! I am sure of it!

And the receiver of this phone, it looks just like the talons of a fierce Nazi creature called the Jar-Lock! Half-man, half-animal, and 100 percent killing machine! Hitler bred it especially to spread the foul stench of socialized medicine! It haunts my dreams! Sometimes Jar-Lock tries to attack me in broad daylight, emerging from the shadows and returning there just as quickly! You may not have heard of this beast, because it might only exist in my head!

And when I stare in the mirror for a really long time, I can convince myself that my greasy, slicked-back hair actually looks presentable, instead of making me look like a 400-pound Gordon Gekko.

And when I see the fine layer of gelatinous sweat that limns my forehead, it looks to me like something women might find attractive, rather than the sign of a morbidly obese land monster who gets winded while chewing.

Coming up on the program, I’ll slam a few OxyContin, choke back the self loathing churning in my stomach, and find several new ways to shoehorn the phrase “anal poisoning” into my rant!

How to Earn an Express Ticket to Hell, the Victory Records Way

Do you remember Victory Records? You might not have ever heard of them if you didn’t run in punk/hardcore circles at some point in your life. During my college years, they were most known (to me, at least) for being the home of the completely humorless militant straight-edge/eco-centric band Earth Crisis. They were not a one-note label, however. Their roster extended to cover all variety of suck.

I have not given Victory Records a second thought in many years, but apparently they still exist. And are still run by a fucktard of the highest order.

As you may have heard, Matador Records founder/Can’t Stop the Bleeding blogger Gerard Cosloy’s home in Austin burned down last week. As someone who’s enjoyed the fruits of both that label and that blog, I was saddened by the news. Plus, based on the posts at CSTB, I believe he’s a Mets fan, so the man’s suffered enough the last few years.

It’s an awful event, the kind that inspires pity even among people who might hate you. Even Deadspin, which Cosloy took shots at over the years (and vice versa), wrote a brief post sending their condolences when the news broke. Because despite the fact that Cosloy was not a fan of Deadspin’s editor emeritus, you have to be a special kind of asshole to not offer sympathy to someone who just lost everything he owned.

Tony Brummell, Victory Records head honcho, is just that kind of asshole. In a situation where most people would offer their thoughts and prayers–or at the very least say nothing at all–Tony found the strength within him to send Cosloy a one-word email that said KARMA.

Why such hostility? Because Cosloy called out Victory Records for weird/shitty business practices. I suppose this offended the Great Hardcore Gods in the sky, who then did smite him for his insolence.

I’m pointing this out so if anyone is out there is considering a bulk purchase of the Snapcase back catalog, or you wanna pick up some old L.E.S. Stitches 7 inches, you may want to spend your hard earned deaux elsewhere. And if you’re so inclined, you can check out this blog post at Chunklet, where the Victory Records haterade is being poured in full force.