“Hi, this is Rick Reilly, and welcome to Homecoming, the show where we interview famous athletes in their home towns. Our first guest is Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton, who overcame drug addiction to thrill us all in last year’s Home Run Derby. Josh, my first question to you is HOLY SHIT, THERE’S A TIGER COMING RIGHT AT US!!!”
During Monday night’s Home Run Derby, Josh Hamilton hit some of the most impressive moon shots ever clubbed within the confines of the House that Ruth Built. And as we all know, anything accomplished at Yankee Stadium is at least 10 times more important than anything accomplished anywhere else.
The only things bigger than the home runs Hamilton hit were the lengths to which the ESPN talking heads went to praise him. You see, Josh Hamilton’s a recovering heroin addict–perhaps you heard about it when you weren’t too busy not living under a rock for the last year.
Granted, Derek Jeter wasn’t taking part in the Derby, so ESPN had to find someone else to verbally fellate. But their unblinking love of Hamilton–a man they couldn’t pick out of a lineup before the night began–was so embarrassing, it was approaching near Favre-ian levels.
CHRIS BERMAN: Welcome to ESPN’s Spook-tacular NFL
Playoffs Preview! Brought to you by Budweiser, Coors Light, Heineken,
Levitra, and Budweiser! I’m your host, The Boomer, Chris “Oz Never Did
Give Nothing To The” Berman. Because the NFL playoffs are so huge, ESPN
is preempting its round-the-clock poker coverage to give football its
due. First off, the NFC. How do you see the senior conference shaping
up, Ron Jaworski “Huh! Good God, Y’all-ski! What Is It Good For-ski”?
RON JAWORSKI: It’s been a disappointing, mediocre year in the NFC..CHRIS BERMAN: Absolutely nothin’! Say it again-ski!
RON JAWORSKI: Last year’s conference champs, the
Seahawks, just barely staved off the 49ers to take the NFC West. And
I’m pretty sure the 49ers’ offensive line is actually made of popsicle
sticks. No one in the NFCreally scares you. There are compelling
reasons why each of the conference playoff teams couldn’t go all the
way.
MIKE DITKA: Except for the Bears.
RON JAWORSKI: Actually, the Bears have many glaring
question marks, such as Rex Grossman’s horrid passer rating, which can
make babies cry from across a room.