I’m sorry if people were offended by my comments during a recent Nationals game. Apparently I said something about some mouthy broads who were sitting behind the plate and people got all snippy about it. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been so shocked these ladies could talk during the whole game. Doesn’t matter where a woman is, the ballpark or the beauty parlor–chances are she’s got her big yap open. Am I right, fellas?

Look, I know many women love baseball. And it’s not just so’s they can see a tight pair of polyester pants giftwrap Dib’s beautiful package. Lots of female types honestly love this game. That’s how great baseball is–even a buncha dumb skirts can dig it!

I love baseball because it’s a game that appeals to everyone. Just look at how many Spanish guys play it! They couldn’t be further away from American, but there’s something about the game that just speaks to them. In some kinda hybrid English-Mexican-y language, I guess.

And you got Chinese guys like Ichiro who come over here to play it, too. You don’t see them guys playing football, do ya? Probably cuz they’d get crushed to death by the linebackers. I could see an Oriental guy play punter or kicker, maybe. But they don’t–they play baseball. I think I’ve made my point.

Speakin’ of which, here’s this joke I heard from Bob Carpenter. Why did Ichiro bat in the first inning, then bat again in the fourth? Cuz an hour later, he was hungry again! Get it? 

How universal is the sport of baseball? I’ve even seen an Indian guy at a game once. Swear to god!

The problem with you guys is you’re too PC. Lighten up, wouldja? I don’t get upset when people make jokes about washed-up unfunny ex-jocks, do I? Because people do. Constantly. Right to my face. Oh sure, I cry when I go home, but that doesn’t mean I’m offended. Just deeply wounded.