Tag Archives: donald trump

Politics Schmolitics

Trump Says You’re Welcome, America

As usual, it took Trump to do what no one else could. Look, I didn’t really think Obama wasn’t born here. Only a brainless, racist moron would think that. But I was smart enough to recognize how many brainless, racist morons there are in this country and how I could use their unfocused rage to get the president to finally produce his birth certificate. You’re welcome, America. Consider it an early 4th of July present from yours truly. Yes, when you’re a true patriot like myself, even six months ahead of time isn’t too soon to celebrate the day we took back Plymouth Rock from the Chinese.

It took Trump to force this issue, folks, and that’s exactly what I did. I forced it. I pushed and poked and prodded the issue. I got in the issue’s face, like an inch away, and said “Hey issue, does this bug you? Does this bug you? I’m not touching you. Are you gonna cry, issue? Go ahead and cry! 1-2-3 cry!” That’s what I call leadership.

The fact that I got Obama to release his birth certificate proves that I can be presidential. Because that’s what a president does: he badgers and pesters and whines until he gets his way. If I was president, I’d be all like, “Hey Russia, cut it out.” And they’d be all like, “What do you mean-ski?” And I’d be like, “You know what, just knock it off, ya knuckleheads.” There isn’t a world leader who could stand up to the grilling I would give them across a large mahogany desk. Not the king of France, not the Sultan of Norway, not even the czar of Antarctica.

Next, I’m turning my sights on Obama’s academic record. Sure, he went to Harvard Law School and headed the law journal and graduated zooma cum loudly, or whatever it is. But did he really deserve it? Now, I’m not saying all his professors didn’t just breeze him along because they’d been paid off by a powerful cabal of Muslim extremists and Black Panthers to introduce him to effete liberal society and one day be installed as president. Luckily, other people are saying it for me, so I just have to suggest it.

I haven’t announced my candidacy officially yet. But just think, if I was your president, every day could be like this!

Politics Schmolitics

Trump vs. Romney: The Unfair Fight

Of course I’m a better presidential candidate than Mitt Romney. Why? Because I have more money than he does. It’s simple math, people. More money equals better than. And before you tell me that’s from an old Mr. Show sketch, just know that I’m currently suing David Cross and Bob Odenkirk for ripping me off. And for calling their program Mr. Show before I could think of that name.

It’s a matter of fact that every president elected in the last 500 years has been richer than his opponent. Reagan was richer than Jimmy Carter. JFK was richer than Eisenhower. Abe Lincoln was richer than The South. Do I have to go on? No, I don’t, because I’m rich and I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

How could Mitt Romney possibly be a better candidate than me. He’s never even had a reality show or coined a copyrightable catchphrase! And that hair! Have you ever seen such a ridiculous head of hair in your life?

Sure, he was elected governor of a state, I’ll grant you that. And he managed to get a big health care bill passed in that state, whichever one it was. (I wanna say Vermont?) But how many casinos did he build? None. How many 75-story glass-and-gold turds did he build on prime real estate bearing his name? Zippo. How many times did he go bankrupt? Zilch.

Me? I’ve built so many things with my name on it, I’ve lost count (and also because I can’t count very high). And every one of them looks like it was built by that Russian billionaire in the DirecTV ads. Plus, I’m such a shrewd businessman, I’ve been able to go bankrupt three times and still get cities to give me land. Let’s see Mitt Romney do that!

At the end of the day, this is barely a fair fight. I’m one of the most recognizable human beings on the planet, and all Mitt Romney has is a few decades of political experience. Plus, Obama is terrified of the thought of me being the Republican candidate. He said so himself! Sure, some people thought he was being sarcastic when he said that, but I doubt that was the case, mostly because I have no idea what “sarcastic” means. Seriously, I dropped out of school after the fourth grade.

Baseball

The Trump Plan for the Mets

trump.jpgAm I interested in buying the Mets? A good businessman never shows all his cards. So I’m going to say yes, I am definitely interested.

The Mets need a proven winner like me to take them to the next level. I know what it takes to build from the ground up, because I have built an empire renowned and respected the world over, and all I started with was an insane amount of inherited wealth. My face alone guarantees tens of millions in additional revenue from people who are dumb enough to buy anything with the word TRUMP on it.

Can I revive the Mets? Look what I did for Atlantic City. I turned that dump into a dump where you can lose your money! Better yet, look what I did for the USFL. Enough said.

First thing’s first: the Wilpons gotta go. They’ve proven they can’t run a business. Do you know they haven’t gone bankrupt even once? I’ve done it three times already! To me, that shows lack of initiative.

Next, we sign a big time free agent to get some fannies back in the seats. Who’s the most recognizable athlete in the world? That’s right, Tiger Woods. I am prepared to offer him a $500 million/year contract. I know he doesn’t play baseball, but people will show up to see if he can, or at least to shout really horrible things at him.

If The Apprentice has proven anything, it’s that people love to watch celebrities fight while trying to run fake businesses. So I’d kick Sandy Alderson and The Nerd Herd to the curb, and bring in my own front office: Star Jones, Danny Bonaduce, Janice Dickinson, Spencer Pratt, and one of the kids from Glee or something. We’d film them screaming at each other about trades or making pizzas or whatever, sell the footage to NBC, and make a series about it. And possibly a line of towels, too. We’re still working it out.

The team gets revenue and publicity, the people get something entertaining to watch. It’s a no-lose situation. At the box office, anyway. The team itself would probably lose a lot on the field, but that’s the price of fame, folks.

Then, I get Bloomberg to build us a brand new stadium on top of one of my luxurious condos on the West Side. CitiField is ancient history–its practically three years old! My proposed Trump Grounds at Trump Stadium will be the world’s first sports arena situated 750 feet above the ground. I’m told heavy winds might be a factor and the players will probably have to wear oxygen masks. But do you want comfortable playing conditions or glitz and glamor? Can’t have both, people.

And in any case, we’ll make up for the lack of breathable air with some Trump Ultra-Luxury Boxes. You can’t even walk past them for less than 50 grand. They’ll have all the features of my iconic Trump buildings, with gold lined everything, and one of those fountains with a naked chick in it, cuz that’s classy. This aesthetic will appeal to Russian oil billionaires and hip-hop artists living off of hit singles from 1997.

After that? I dunno, I’ll probably get bored, sell the team off for scrap, and buy a new helicopter or something.