I apologize for yesterday’s Air Force One flyover in lower Manhattan. I should have realized this would frighten people still emotionally scarred from 9/11. We should not have done it, or at the very least let people know what was happening so they wouldn’t be so terrified when a huge plane flew dangerously low to the city’s skyline. So again, I apologize.

In the wake of this event, I’ve decided to change the details of my upcoming tour of the new federal building in Oklahoma City. To celebrate the memory of all the brave citizens who lost their lives there, I thought I might arrive dressed in army fatigues and waving around a copy of The Turner Diaries. But now this seems kind of insensitive, more like the exact opposite of what I’d want to do in that city.

So the whole army fatigue/paranoid, racist literature thing is right out, I promise.

I’ve also canceled the music act for my next appearance in New Orleans. Suddenly, Katrina and the Waves doesn’t seem like the wisest band choice. I apologize to those of you who looked forward to hearing “Walking on Sunshine.”

I will still campaign door-to-door for Democratic candidates this year. However, I will probably not do so after midnight while wielding a rusty chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask.

In conclusion, I’d like to promise the American people that I will never OH MY GOD, THERE’S A GUY WITH AN AXE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!