Jose, we can’t have you throwing tantrums out on the field. You’re a grown man and you can’t act that way anymore.
I know, coach, I just get so emotional about this game.
Emotion is good, but you
can’t let it get the best of you. That’s why I brought in a New York
baseball legend to set you straight. He’s an expert in learning how to
control your emotional impulses.

Wow, four-time world champion Paul O’Neill!

That’s FIVE time world champion, you ASSHOLE!
/rips off batting gloves, flings them across clubhouse

Oh yeah, I forget you won one with the Reds.

How could you forget that?! We swept the A’s!! I mean, C’MONNN!!
/takes off batting helmet, bounces it off ground 12 feet in the air

I’m sorry, I was just a little kid when that happened.

And it woulda been SIX if stupid Mariano could’ve shut the door on the fucking DIAMONDBACKS!! JESUS!!
/bites knuckles until bloody

Whoah, that’s not fair. Mariano Rivera is, like, the best closer in the history of time.

You don’t know what you’re TALKING ABOUT! That ball was nowhere NEAR the plate!
/yanks jersey out of pants, pops three buttons

Ball? What ball?

Yeah, exactly–it was a BALL!! I don’t take strikes, okay? I CRUSH THEM! If I don’t swing, that means IT’S NOT A STRIKE!
/bashes water cooler with Louisville Slugger

You see, Jose? This is the way a professional athlete acts.

It looks more like the way a whiny crybaby acts to me.

WHAT?!
/puts hands on hips, rolls eyes skyward

No, you don’t understand. He’s showing passion!

Does “showing passion” include kicking his cleats off and eating them?

/gnaws on Nikes

Yes, it shows he’s fiery! That’s how he led the Yankees to four World Series titles!

I thought it was because he was a good hitter in a lineup full of other good hitters. Plus all their pitchers were on steroids.

Well, yeah, that too.

When you put on the pinstripes, you have a duty to uphold the legacy of Ruth and Mantle and…OH, YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME WITH THIS STRIKE ZONE, UMP!!
/rips open sunflower seed pack with teeth, swallows entire pack, spits it out onto floor

You see, Jose, you have a long way to go before you can be the kind of inspirational leader that Paul was in his prime.

So if I wanna act like a spoiled brat, I have to be old, white, and on a winning team that’s not full of broken down veterans.

Pretty much, yeah.

GOD, I will EAT your CHILDREN!!
/pulls leather strings out of fielder’s mitt one by one with his teeth