Tag Archives: derek jeter

Baseball

The Video Game Community Protests Derek Jeter

mario.jpgHey, Derek! It’s-a me, Mario! Whassamatta for you with these-a comments in-a the newspaper? People say these-a advanced metrics show you can’t play-a the shortstop no more, and whatta you say? “I don’t know. I don’t play video games.”

This makes-a the Mario very sad. Why you gotta tell-a the lies? Mario remembers you used to come home from-a school everyday and play with him. You used to blow in Mario’s cartridge when-a he wasn’t working right. You even did-a that thing with the Q-tip and the alcohol, even though you knew it didn’t-a work.

And you used to play with all of Mario’s friends, too. Samus, Kid Icarus, Simon Belmont, those two meatheads from-a the Bad Dudes. We all had such a great time together! Why you turn-a your back on us? You think playing the video games makes you a nerd? You think it’s-a something you outgrew now that you’re such a big shot, playing the baseball with-a your fancy buddies?

Maybe you so-a defensive because you really are a nerd! Mario remembers you getting a subscription to-a Nintendo Power every year for-a your birthday. You filled in all-a the blank squares on your Legend of Zelda map! You memorized all-a the fatalities in Mortal Kombat! You used to have-a the poster for Maniac Mansion taped to-a your wall! You beat Final Fantasy III in 10 days and bragged to your friends at school about it!

You had-a the TurboGrafx 16. Nobody had-a the TurboGrafx 16!

Mario even has a picture of you playing the video games with-a your good friend Tiger Woods. Take a good look, Derek. Try and deny me again after you see-a this!

jetertiger.jpgmario.jpgSure looked like you played video games back-a then, Derek!

I am so angry at-a you right now! I feel just as-a small as I hit by a hammer thrown by a jumping turtle! Your betrayal, she hits me in my soul, burning me up like a flaming barrel!

Alla you old friends is-a mad at you too, like-a the Donkey Kong. I remember you used play-a the Donkey Kong Country all day long, and now you stab-a that poor monkey in the back. Go ahead, Donkey Kong, tell-a him how you feel.
donkeykong.jpg[Donkey Kong and all permutations of the phrase Donkey Kong, images of the character Donkey Kong, and any other likeness in a medium now existing or yet to be developed are the exclusive property of Nintendo of America, and any unauthorized use of Donkey Kong in any form even in the form of a dumb catch phrase, will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law]

Baseball

Tonight, the Iron Horse May Finally Be Slain

gehrig.jpgNEW YORK–Derek Jeter knows what’s at stake. If he can get just one more hit in tonight’s game versus the Orioles, he will not only take sole possession of first place in the all-time Yankees hit list. He may also finally erase all memory of the tyrannical Lou Gehrig, history’s greatest monster.

The fearsome first baseman, who played for the Bronx Bombers from 1923 to 1939, amassed 2,721 hits during a major league career that nearly brought a nation to its knees. Jeter’s next hit could very well remove the stain of his name from the Yankee record books for evermore.

Gehrig bullied his way into the starting lineup for the first time in 1925, pushing aside beloved first baseman Wally Pipp and selfishly refusing to share the position. At the time, a shaken Yankee manager Miller Huggins told The New York Times, “He simply overpowered me. It’s out of my hands now.” Huggins was later found brutally murdered in a ritualistic manner that haunted the nightmares of all the policemen called to the scene.

Gehrig also formed the infamous Murderer’s Row that menaced American League pitching and slashed throats on its way from one major league park to another in the 1920s and 30s. He was nicknamed The Iron Horse for his cold, steely, inhuman gaze, and is rumored to have inspired many of H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulu tales.

The first baseman might have remained unstoppable, were it not for an experimental government bio-terror project that sapped him of his strength. While weakened, Gehrig was tricked into entering a parallel dimension, the gate to which is in an undisclosed location, kept under constant guard by armed servicemen.

Before game time, Jeter was as humble as ever. “I’m just grateful to have had such a great career and to have this opportunity,” the shortstop said. “My only professional regret is that I was born too late to drive a stake through Gehrig’s monstrous heart.”

Baseball

Baseball World Shocked, Outraged by Blown Jeter Call

jeter_steal.jpgNEW YORK (AP)–All of Major League Baseball came to a standstill Monday afternoon, when future Hall of Famer and titan of a man Derek Jeter was called out in an attempted steal of third base. Replays clearly showed that, though the ball beat the immortal shortstop to the bag, Blue Jays third baseman Scott Rolen did not apply a tag prior to Jeter’s blessed hands reaching the base itself.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi stormed out of the dugout, rending his garments in grief and disgust. “My Father, why have you forsaken us?!” he cried toward the seemingly deaf heavens. Third base umpire Marty Foster, an insensitive monster who surely has no soul, ejected the skipper for his insolence.

Mr. Jeter, ever the picture of calm and poise, pleaded his case respectfully to Foster, a pitiful excuse for a man, but to no avail. He walked back to the dugout, as grown men wept openly over his grace at a moment of such grave injsutice.

A candlelight vigil was held outside Yankee Stadium Monday night to mark this horrific event. “We have been shaken to the core,” said Dennis Ramirez, a Yankee fan from the Bronx, “but together, we can make it through this dark, dark time.”

A visibly shaken Bud Selig acknowledged the grievous error in a post-game press conference. “I realize this happens often,” he told reporters. “Umpires frequently call a runner out if the ball beats him to the bag, regardless of whether a tag was applied in time or not. But this has never happened to Derek Jeter before, and must never happen again.

“Therefore, I hereby award today’s game to the Yankees, regardless of the final score. In compensation for their pain and suffering, the Yankees shall also be awarded two games of their choosing which have already been played.

“I would also remind our umpiring crews that when Mr. Jeter does not swing at a pitch, it is not a strike.”

Following the game, Jeter calmed down a frothing mob of angry sports reporters with a gentle wave of his hand, and with words of profound wisdom that could have been spoken by the Dalai Lama, or perhaps Gandhi: “I just want to do my best and help this team win,” he said.