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Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: NL Central

CHICAGO CUBS

2010 record: 75-87

Biggest offseason acquisition: Matt Garza, who, along with Carlos Zambrano, could give the Cubs the angriest 1-2 pitchers in baseball.

Biggest offseason loss: Tom Gorzellany, on purely technical grounds.

Is this the year that the Cubs…: Whatever you were going to say, no.

Best name on 40-man roster: Welington Castillo, Dominican duke.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Kerry Wood, whose presence here seems more weird than it should.

Spring standout: Last year’s star callup Starlin Castro has 12 RBIs and 4 home runs, which can only mean his untimely demise is imminent.

Probable Opening Day starter: I’m sure Zambrano has already made it abundantly clear to Mike Quade that he will start on Opening Day.

Biggest question for 2011: Has Alfonso Soriano been so underwhelming for so long he’s come all the way back around to being underrated?

Strengths: Idyllic ballpark with laissez faire attitude toward the wearing of shirts

Weaknesses: The oppressive weight of history

Semi-serious assessment: The Cubs are a little better than I first thought before taking a closer look at their lineup. Carlos Pena is a good fit for Wrigley, and Garza should fare well in the National League. I don’t know if it adds up to contending per se, but I think they’ll enjoy a solid season of not completely sucking.

Continue reading Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: NL Central

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 13-16

Game 13: Mets 2, Cubs 1 (10)
The Fake Mets carried a 1-0 lead into the ninth, thanks to a stellar eight-inning performance by Fake Oliver Perez. But Fake Frankie Rodriguez gave up back-to-back doubles in the top of the ninth to tie the game. But the Fake Mets finally had some luck on their side. In the bottom of the tenth, Fake Daniel Murphy led off with a single, took second on a sac bunt, and advanced to third on a wild pitch. Then, Fake Omir Santos hit a lazy groundball in between first and second, just slow enough to allow Murphy to score and give the Fake Mets their first walkoff win of the season.

In real life: Jon Niese pitched a decent game and held the Cubs to one run, and the Chicago bullpen and defense handed the Mets a 5-run seventh inning to put them ahead by the eventual final score of 6-1. Ike Davis made his MLB debut and picked up his first hit and RBI.

Game 14: Cubs 10, Mets 1
Fake John Maine was clobbered for 10 hits, 7 runs, and two homers (by Fake Xavier Nady and Alfonso Soriano, who MLB10: The Show apparently mistakes for the Soriano of four years ago) in 4 1/3 innings. The Fake Mets could get nothing going against Fake Randy Wells and fell in a lopsided defeat.

In real life: Mike Pelfrey turned in another dominant start, going seven innings and giving up no runs and just three hits. Jose Reyes got on track with a four-hit night, and Fernando Tatis hit a pinch-hit two-run homer to put the game out of reach in the eighth inning. The bullpen made the 4-0 score stand up.

Game 15: Mets 4, Cubs 3
Fake Jon Niese had a decent outing, limiting the Fake Cubs to 3 runs. But the real star of this game was Fake Carlos Beltran, who clubbed two 2-run homers to account for all of the Fake Mets runs.

In real life: Oliver Perez came back to earth a bit, lasting just five innings and ceding 3 runs. Meanwhile, the Mets’ bullpen became suddenly leaky and gave up 6 runs of its own, en route to a 9-3 defeat.

pufm016.pngGame 16: Mets 4, Cubs 1
Fake Johan Santana went the distance to finally earn his first win of the year. Fake Jason Bay hit a two-run homer to get the Fake Mets on the board in the first inning. Picture included here so that Real Mets fans can finally get a glimpse of what Jason Bay homering looks like.

In real life: Johan Santana gritted his way through 6 and 1/3 innings, stranding runners all night and allowing just one earned run. The Cubs were undone by a four-run sixth inning in which two runs scored on a booted grounder by Mike Fontenot. With Chicago threatening in the eighth, Frankie Rodriguez was called on for a five-out save, which he somehow managed, and the Mets had a 5-2 victory and their first series win of the year.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 5-11

Real Mets record: 7-9

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL Central

harrycaray.jpgCHICAGO CUBS

2009 record: 83-78

Local weather: If you don’t like it, just wait a minute!* (* joke stolen from your grampa)

Namesake: The smaller partner in a “bear” relationship

Has it really been 102 years since they won a World Series?: Yes, but some days it only feels like 75.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Lovable Losers. How many losers have you known that were lovable? Most losers are bitter, sour human beings.

Best name on 40-man roster: Esmailin Caridad, because when you’re Esmailin, the whole world esmailes with you.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Kevin Millar. Or as he used to be known by guys named Sully, MILLAHHHHHH!

Spring standout: Youngster Tyler Colvin, who’s not only batting .468, but is also not a pitcher, so he can’t have a Kerry Wood/Mark Prior-style flameout.

Probable Opening Day starter: Carlos Zambrano, provided he doesn’t get into a scrape with a Gatorade cooler first.

Biggest question for 2010: In what ways will the fates cruelly toy with this team this season?

Advantage to start the season: Arctic conditions will adversely affect visiting teams who have not brought their own Sherpas.

Semi-serious assessment: Only the total shitshow that was the 2009 Mets prevented the Cubs from being the most disappointing team in baseball last season. I would expect them to improve, but they’re also relying on a number of players who’ve been hurt off and on the past few seasons (Zambrano, Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez). I could see the Cubs finishing anywhere on the continuum of success. Except winning the World Series, of course. That will never, ever happen. Ever.
Continue reading Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL Central