I’m very excited to be on the MLB Network, and I’m even more excited to interview manager Joe Torre, who’s written a book you may have heard a little something about.

Hah! Good one, Bob! I’m excited to be here, too.

It’s fitting that we’re having this interview in Studio 42, our facility named in honor of the legendary Jackie Robinson. After all, Jackie Robinson broke racial barriers, and you wrote a book!

Um, thanks, Bob. Those two things aren’t really equivalent, but I do admire Jackie and his contributions to the game…

Don’t be so modest, Joe! Sure, Jackie Robinson fought against a prejudice that modern minds can barely comprehend. But you–you told us what Brian Cashman said about A-Rod behind his back!

Bob, I don’t pretend anything I’ve done is as important as what Jackie Robinson did…

Nor should you. Because your achievements are far more important than Jackie’s! What did Jackie Robinson do except endure pain and burdens none of us can even begin to imagine? But thanks to you, we know that David Wells was a jerk!

When did you turn into such a sarcastic jerk?

I’m not being saracastic! All I’m saying is, why stop at baseball! Surely when the history of literature is written, up there with the greatest passages of Joyce and Tolstoy and Hemingway, there will stand your description of Roger Clemens slathering his nads with Ben-Gay!

Bite me, you midget.
/storms out

Joe, please don’t forget me when they’ve carved your face on Mount Rushmore!