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The Latest K-Cup Descriptions

JAMAICAN MOCHA
Powerful, fierce, entering your kitchen upon cats’ feet, silent as tomorrow.

SAMARKAND SPLENDOR
Aromatic, complex, aloof, as unknowable as a sunset, as mysterious as your own shadow.

CHOCOLAT AU BELGE
Alluring, seductive, with a hint of cinnamon held just under your nose, then snatched away as if by a cruel, teasing woman. Who shall tame her? Do not fool yourself into thinking the answer is you.

BREAKFAST BLISS
As fresh as the morning dew upon prairie grass, glistening with promise, unaware it shall soon be trampled by the trodding boots of men.

CAFE DE BOGOTA
Made from beans raised high in the mountains, dreaming of revenge against those who have wronged them. The day of reckoning is upon you.

VANILLA CARAMEL DREAM
This sweet dessert blend is a stranger to its own soul.

KONA LATTE
There is nothing new under the sun. All is but vanity and striving after the wind.

Füd

Gourmet Food Companies Are Reading My Mind!

This morning, I purchased some coffee from one of Brooklyn’s many breakfast carts. Upon first sip, the taste brought to mind bacon. Like, a lot.

Though I enjoy the (very) occasional strip of bacon on an egg sammich or a hamburger, I wouldn’t call myself a bacon enthusiast. However, I know America is full of bacon enthusiasts, if levels of obesity and heart disease are any indication. And I also know America loves to smash one food into another food. Peanut butter into chocolate. Mustard into mayonnaise. Sausages into pancakes, onto sticks.

So for a brief moment, I thought to myself, “I’ll start working on bacon-flavored coffee! It’s two great tastes that go great together! The public will flip for it! I’ll be a bazillionaire!”

Do I know the first thing about making coffee? Of course not. I think you broil the beans, and then shell them, or something, but that’s the limit of my knowledge. No matter. The awesomeness of my idea would trump piddling details like my total lack of expertise.

baconcoffee.jpgBut my dreams were quickly snuffed by Google. A search for “bacon coffee” yielded this result: a company called BocaJava that produces a flavored coffee called Maple Bacon Morning.

Reminiscent of a hearty Saturday morning breakfast around the table, this sweet, savory coffee delights the senses with the smell and taste of home! Maple Bacon Morning has a base that’s full-bodied and complex, and it’s a delicious way to rise when the rooster crows!

I should have known someone would beat me to the punch. Bacon-flavored coffee was too good an idea to go unexploited for so long. But at least it’s a small gourmet coffee company doing it, and not McDonalds unveiling a new breakfast sandwich. “It’s the new McSlammer! We took a McGriddle and squished it into a half-full cup of coffee!”

But I can still pursue a parallel idea: coffee-infused bacon! My plan is to inject slices of bacon with a freshly brewed Kona blend. So when you bite into a crunchy slab of bacon, it shoots a stream of java into your mouth. I’ll just have to some market research to see if the human tongue can withstand coffee once it’s been heated to bacon-frying temperatures.