Tag Archives: cnbc

Boob Tubery

Cable TV Remembers 9/11

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HOW ‘ER GOT DONE (History Channel): Larry the Cable Guy narrates this special on the building of the 9/11 Memorial and gets in on the action, learning how to operate a jackhammer and accidentally destroying a marble panel engraved with the names of several slain firefighters. “Blasphemously inappropriate,” says The New York Times.

THE TOP 100 9/11s OF ALL TIME (VH1): A look back at all the September 11s in recorded history. Where does 2001 rank? The answer may shock you! With Hal Sparks, Michael Ian Black, and former CIA director Leon Panetta.

THE GEORGE W. BUSH 9/11 INTERVIEW–AFTER DARK (National Geographic Channel): The former president remembers the heady moments immediately following the terrorist attacks while sharing a smoke and few highballs with Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Bunnies. Musical guest: Dave Brubeck.

FROM THE ASHES: THE HEALING POWER OF CELEBRITY (Bravo): Some of the world’s biggest stars come together to remind us of how their shining examples of strength gave us the power to pull through such dark times.

THE TOWERS FALLING AND PEOPLE SCREAMING AND COVERED WITH TOXIC DUST AND IN PAIN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU WANNA FUCKING KILL YOURSELF (CNN): This is CNN’s Yule Log.

MY PET GOAT (CSPAN): This special edition of Book Talk features a dramatic reading of the classic children’s tale, punctured by a lengthy, eerily uncomfortable pause.

ENTREPRENEURS (CNBC): Maria Bartiromo profiles some of the enterprising people who sell all manner of 9/11-related tchotchkes within feet of the former World Trade Center site, and somehow resists the urge to kick them in the balls.

COMFORT FOOD (Food Network): Paula Deen and Rachel Ray share the best recipes for dishes to eat in enormous quantities in one sitting when nothing else will chase away the demons of reality.

THE CONCERT FOR NEW YORK CITY (MTV): Ooof, this is tough to watch now. I mean, it’s just really weird. Did you know Dennis Leary is in this thing? But I guess we gotta, huh? Yeah, I guess.

THE PHYSICS OF CRASHING PLANES INTO STUFF (Science Channel): Want to know exactly how two jets could take down two of the two tallest buildings in the country and kill thousands? No? Too bad, we’re going over it in excruciating detail anyway.

72 STRAIGHT HOURS OF LAW & ORDER, LIKE ALWAYS (USA): Just watch this, okay?

Boob Tubery

Jim Cramer Meets The Great Depression 2.0

kramer.jpgBOOYAH! Thanks for tuning in to Mad Money tonight! I wanna thank CNBC for keeping me on during their latest round of mass layoffs. I convinced them to let me do the show in via webcam. No lame directors or producers or editors to get between me and the people! Now this show is PURE CRAMER!

First up, wanna hit you with a hot new stock: Barrel and Rubber Suspenders, Inc. This one’s going through the roof! Hottest fashion statement going! I gotta feeling this one’s gonna go through the roof, just like Consolidated Hobo Bindles did last month!

If you’re a more conservative investor, why not try putting your assets in cat food? A little goes a long way! And here’s Jim Cramer’s tip of the day: Roll it up in a slice of Wonder Bread or squish it between two Export Sodas, then swallow as quick as you can. That’ll suppress the ol’ gag reflex! 

For you high rollers, I know you’re scared about Swiss banks dropping a dime on you. So why not try your mattress! Sure, there’s no appreciation, but it’s a hell of a lot safer. No Bernie Madoffs in your bedroom.

Here’s another tip: If you see Bernie Madoff in the street, kill him. I am totally serious. Murder his ass. Murder it dead.

Dammit, my Hotspot hour’s almost up, and there’s no way I’m buying another packet of madeleines. Gotta cut Mad Money short tonight. But tune in next week, when I sell socks at a folding table outside Port Authority. It’s the hot new franchise!