Tag Archives: classic scratchbomb

"Classic" Scratchbomb, Baseball

“Classic” Scracthbomb: There Are Several Failed Oc-TOW-bers

This October marks a solemn–nay, sacred!–anniversary. Because it was two years this October that we, as a nation, stood up and said we would not live in fear. We joined hands and proclaimed that we would not be terrorized, that we would stand firm and resist the great evil that had been foisted upon us!

It was two years ago that this October that we said no to Dane Cook as a spokesman for the MLB playoffs. That may not seem like much now. But this proclamation was the first small step in saying no to Dane Cook the Movie Star, and Dane Cook the Comedian, and hopefully, someday, Dane Cook the Well-Known Celebrity altogther.

If you don’t remember those heady days, check out this post from 2007, which detail his ridiculous playoff ads from that year. Original post here

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"Classic" Scratchbomb, Baseball

“Classic Scratchbomb”: Come Back Home, Bobby V, All Is Forgiven

bobby+valentine.jpgToday, Bob Raissman of the Daily News reported that Bobby Valentine is close to signing a “lucrative multi-year deal” with ESPN, and will join the crowded ranks of Baseball Tonight.

I, for one, am sad. I’m glad Bobby V is employed, but Baseball Tonight is a pile of trash-fed garbage. The MLB Network’s nightly rundowns of baseball action blow BBTN out of the water. In the gap of quality between them, you could drive a Mack truck through a cruise ship. If there was a footrace between the two, MLB Network would be already across the finish line, and BBTN would still be tying its shoes.

However, with Bobby V joining ESPN, I may finally get to see a dream realized: watching someone beat the living shit out of Steve Phillips, live on television

But I’m also sad because this, in all likelihood, means he will not be managing the Mets any time soon. Jerry Manuel, you seem like a nice guy…scratch that. You don’t seem like a nice guy, since you drove both Ramon Castro and Ryan Church out of town for reasons that I still don’t understand. And you’re also not a very good manager.

But Bobby V, that man could manage some baseball. I’ve tried to remain as neutral as possible in my ongoing 1999 Project. But it doesn’t take a sharp eye to notice that I assert the following theses whenever I can: 1) The Braves are Satan; 2) Steve Phillips should be horsewhipped; 3) Bobby Valentine was a genius.

I covered this territory in 2008, after viewing the excellent documentary The Zen of Bobby V. Feast on my wisdom after the jump, or click here for the original post.

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"Classic" Scratchbomb, Football

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Brett Favre and the Aw Shucks Method of Getting to Yes

favre-vikings.jpgIn a complete non-shocker, Brett Favre has unretired.

The Worldwide Leader reacted the way it always reacts to any Favre news, which is to say, batshit insane. ESPN brought its viewers live aerial footage of Brett Favre driving to Vikings training camp. A local hospital was kind enough to let them use a Medivac chopper for this historic event.  

But ESPN didn’t just show Favre driving to camp. Oh no. They showed us Favre exiting his car. They showed us Favre hugging random people. They showed us Favre climbing stairs.

And when he was finally inside the Vikings facility, out of the reach of helicopters, ESPN brought us extended coverage of the bare stage where he would eventually conduct a press conference, in a room that looked like a high school utility shed.

It was like the most boring student film you ever saw. For a whole day, ESPN abandoned sports news and dedicated itself to Andy Warhol-esque film experiments. (“Next up: Colin Cowherd stars in our remake of Sleep!”)

But who are they airing all this garbage for? Packer fans feel betrayed. Vikings fans are unenthused (to say the least). And everyone else is sick to death of this manipulative goober. Even Peter King is a little pissed at getting jerked around by him, and King was Favre’s number one jock sniffer as recently as two weeks ago.

There’s no point in piling on Favre when the entire world (outside of Bristol, CT) hates him. I pretty much agree with Big Daddy Drew’s sentiment: this guy doesn’t love football (as all his admirers in the media have gushed over the years), he just loves being the guy on the football field that gets the glory. All the stuff you have to do to attain that glory (watch film, actually attend training camp) is for the other slobs, not superstars like him!

So no more Favre bashing from me–linebackers will be doing enough of that this year. But if you feel like guzzling some Haterade, enjoy this post from just around this time last year, when Favre royally dicked over the Packers for the first time. Original post here.

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