With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. For our final installment, I’ve asked Taser Grandma, America’s oldest and most lovable taser salesperson, who you can follow on Twitter here.

THAT’S RIGHT, I’M TASER GRANDMA. GOT 16 WONDERFUL GRANDCHILDREN AND A WHOLE WAREHOUSE FULLA TASERS THAT I’M SELLIN AT LOW, LOW PRICES! SOME OLDSTERS GIVE THEIR GRANDKIDS BUTTERSCOTCH CANDIES. ME, I GIVES EM TASERS! THEY LOVE SHOCKIN EACH OTHER BY THE OL’ TIRE SWING!

AND I LOVES ME SOME FOOTBALL, TOO! ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVES TASERIN! THERE’S ONLY ONE THING MORE THRILLIN THAN WATCHING THE PIGSKIN WARRIORS BATTLE IT OUT ON THE GRIDIRON, AND THAT’S ZAPPIN A FULL GROWN MAN WITH THE SHOCKMEISTER 500, ON SALE DIRECT FROM ME, TASER GRANDMA! WATCHIN HIM CRUMPLE TO THE GROUND LIKE A SACK A CHARRED TATERS!

I’M HOPIN TO GET AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH THE NFL. I SEEN WHAT THEM COPS DID TO THAT NOGOODNIK WHAT RAN ON THE FIELD IN PHILADELPHIA, AND I GOT ME AN IDEAR. WHY NOT EQUIP EVERY SEAT IN EVERY SPORTS STADIUM WITH A TASER? PURE ENNERTAINMENT! EVERYONE COULD GET UP FOR THE 7TH INNING TASE! NOTHIN MORE THRILLIN THAN WATCHIN A WHOLE ARENA DROP LIFELESS!

ROGER GOODELL WON’T RETURN MY CALLS! IF HE KNOWS WHAT’S GOOD FOR HIM, HE’LL PICK UP THAT PHONE. OR ELSE HE’LL PICK UP A COUPLE THOUSAND VOLTS!

WHO’M I PICKIN TO WIN THE AFC WEST THIS YEAR? THE CHARGERS OF COURSE! I LIKE THE CUT OF THAT BOLT MAN’S JIB! AND THAT SHAWN MERRIMAN SURE CAN HIT HARD! ALMOST AS HARD AS THE SHOCKMEISTER 500! THAT’S THE TRUTH! THE SHEER, BALL-RATTLING TRUTH!

HE DON’T HIT AS HARD AS THE ORIGINAL TASERS, THOUGH. WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, TASERS WERE JUST A PAIR OF RUSTY PLIERS HOOKED UP TO A CAR BATTERY! YOU EITHER STOPPED YOUR ASSAILANT’S HEART OR GAVE HIM TETANUS!

I LIKES THE CHARGERS BUT I DON’T CARE FOR THAT PHILLIP RIVERS. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT FACE JUST DON’T SIT RIGHT WITH ME. I’D LIKE TO GIVE THAT BOY A SPANKIN–A TASER SPANKIN! IF YOU WANNA HUMBLE SOMEONE, JUST GIVE EM A DOSE OF VITAMIN T. NOTHIN’S MORE HUMBLIN THAN GETTIN YOUR PRIVATES-HAIR SINGED OFF!

BUT WHO I REALLY DON’T LIKE IS THEM RAIDERS FANS. DRESSIN UP LIKE IT’S HALLOWEEN EVERY GOL-DURN SUNDAY. THEY’RE GONNA THINK IT’S THE FOURTH OF JOO-LIE WHEN SENDS UP MY FIREWORKS–MY TASER FIREWORKS! Y’EVER TASE A RAIDERS FAN? IT’S GREAT! SPARKS ARCIN ALL OVER THE SPIKES ON THEIR SILVER SAMURAI PIRATE GET UPS!

SOME FOLKS THINK THE CHIEFS IMPROVED, BUT I THINKS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT BETTER WAS THE TARGET FOR MY TASER! THAT CHARLIE WEIS IS A BIG FELLA, AIN’T HE? MAYBE LIGHTNIN JUICE’LL GET THAT BLUBBER OFF YOU, FATTY!

AS FOR THE BRONCOS, THAT TIM TEBOW FELLER’S A BIT TOO HIGH AND MIGHTY IF YOU ASK ME. HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN DOWN A PEG. AND THE BEST PEG-TAKIN-DOWN TOOL THERE IS? YOU GUESSED IT, A GOOD OL’ FASHIONED TASERIN.

AND IF MR. TEBOW’S IN THE MARKET, WE GOTS A FULL LINE OF RELIGIOUS-THEMED TASERS. THE SHEPHERD 316 IS A CROSS-SHAPED TASER WITH THE LORD’S PRAYER TASTEFULLY INSCRIBED ON THE OBVERSE SIDE, SO’S YOU CAN COMMUNE WITH THE MAN UPSTAIRS WHILST YOU SEND SOME NO GOOD PUNK TO HELL!