ORLANDO, FL–In a written statement, pro golfer Tigers Woods says he will not speak with the Florida Highway Patrol regarding his car accident last Friday until he reaches an endorsement deal with the law enforcement agency.

“It is the stated policy of Tiger Woods not to speak with any entity, be it a corporation, network, or public service department, until a proper contract has been arrived at by both parties for appropriate compensation,” began the statement, as read to the press by Woods’ chief legal counsel. “My record on this issue will speak for itself. For instance, I did not speak at the Fusion Sharp Edges Corporate Retreat before I signed an exclusive appearance deal with Gillette.”

Sergeant John Sanchez of the Florida Highway Patrol responded by stating, “Our department has attempted to accommodate Mr. Woods and his busy schedule to the best of our abilities. Unfortunately, he insists his time is completely booked solid through 2013. He did suggest buying tickets to The Masters, but he couldn’t guarantee an direct audience unless we upgraded to the AmEx Heroes Charge In package, which would deplete our annual budget.

“Mr. Woods could clear all of this up immediately,” Sanchez continued, “by simply releasing the 911 tapes relevant to the incident. Unfortunately, the rights to those tapes were sold to ESPN.” Sanchez then asked reporters if any of them had an Insider account he could borrow.

Asked to comment on the controversy, CBS Sports president Sean McManus plugged up both of his ears, crouched in the corner of his office, and loudly yelled “LA LA LA, I’M NOT LISTENING!”