Yo, Commish, I think I got this whole steroids-in-baseball thing figured out.
You mean that steroids-in-baseball thing you helped start.
Yeah! I just wanna meet with you and Donald Fehr to discuss some ideas about how to fix it.
We have it under control, Jose.
Clearly you don’t, if big superstars like Alex Rodriguez are getting caught. Now dig this: I go undercover as a major league baseball player and find out who’s supplying the dope! See, I used to be a major league baseball player, so it’ll come naturally!
Yes, you used to be a major league baseball player. A very famous one whose face will be instantly recognizable to everyone you meet.
No, see, I’ve been working with an acting coach, and he’s been teaching me these facial exercises that can make you look like a totally different person. See?
That’s just looks like you sticking your tongue out. And let’s not forget, you’re over 40 now. You’ll stick out like a sore thumb.
But I can totally fit in with the young player of today. I got a totally rad wardrobe. Check out this shirt!
That’s the worst thing human beings have ever worn.
That’s just for working out in the gym. Here’s what I’ll wear when I’m going out with the boys after the game.
Ah, my eyes! Listen, Jose, I think you need to let this go. One man can’t take down the entire steroid underground.
Of course not! That’s why I’m recruiting my good friend and fellow recovering ‘roid user John Rocker to help me.
When I’m done, ain’t gonna be no more homos or Puerto Ricans left in this league!
John, we’re trying to take down steroids, not ethnically cleanse, remember?
*pfft* I’m out.
Alright, I guess Rocker’s gotten too big for the show.
What show?
So that’s when I bring my younger brother who looks vaguely like me but is slightly less repulsive.
Do we get paid up front? ‘Cause I haven’t eaten anything since I found a soy sauce packet in the street last night.
Jose, I won’t allow you to turn MLB into your own personal version of 21 Jump Street.
Commish, this isn’t about me, or the vindication of my books, or my return to glory. Well, I mean, yeah, it mostly is, but it’s also about justice!
Hey, can I join you guys?
HARRY, I TOLD YOU, YOU ONLY GET TO APPEAR IN EVERY FIFTH EPISODE.