Tag Archives: brother can you spare a dime

Life In These United States

Jim Cramer Won’t Stop Believin’

kramer.jpgJim Cramer’s back again with Mad Money, comin’ atcha via Webcam from an undisclosed Panera bread location. Here’s my latest Buy Now! notice: the strawberry yogurt parfait. Delicious and reasonably priced!

I just gotta tell ya, folks, I stand by my statement that President Obama’s policies have made him one of the worst wealth destroyers in American history. Sure, most of that wealth was imaginary, due to Ponzi schemes and backdoor deals and other assorted forms of skullduggery. That doesn’t matter! The point is, we all used to be rich on paper, and now we’re broke in real life!

What bothers me is that Obama doesn’t seem to understand how the stock market works. He thinks it operates on actual value of companies and their products. It has nothing to do with anything real! If it did, the world financial markets would’ve collapsed decades ago!

Here’s what happens on a typical Wall Street day. First, all of the traders bow before the altar of Gorlaqk the Dread and pay him obeisance. Then, they run around like maniacs for 7 hours. They don’t know why. They don’t know how. They have no idea what they’re even doing! They just perform acts they are compelled to do, in an almost supernatural trance-state, and when it’s all over they stare in disbelief at the carnage they’ve caused. It’s like a Celtic battle frenzy, in suspenders!

Wall Street is not made up of individuals who act of their own free will! Wall Street is an empathic organism that feeds on the collective emotions of the hive mind! So when traders feel good, the Dow goes up! And when current events make them nervous or sad, the Dow goes way down. So I lay the Street’s troubles on your doorstep, Mr. President!

Okay, the manager just told me to keep it down. Gotta keep quiet–I don’t wanna get kicked outta here like did at that Cosi down the block.

Why did I tell you to gobble up shares of Wachovia? Because me and their CEO are best buds? No! It’s because I know that Wall Street needs positive vibes to succeed! I believed with all my heart that stock wouldn’t fail! I had to totally ignore every single warning sign that Wachovia would turf out to do that, but I did it, by god!

So why did they fail? Because you didn’t believe hard enough. I did my part. Wachovia didn’t fail, Bear Stearns didn’t fail, AIG didn’t fail, Citigroup didn’t fail–you did. You should be ashamed of yourselves, America.

I called up the president. I said, listen, all you need to revive the Dow is to believe! Address the American people on TV and clap your hands three times if you believe in the Dow! Do you believe in the Dow? I KNOW YOU DO!!!

Can you believe that President Obama didn’t say anything?! I mean, I’m not a 100 percent sure I actually talked to him. I don’t have his private line, so I just dialed 1-800-2DAPREZ. Since nobody picked up, I just talked to the dialtone. But the fact that he wouldn’t figure out I was trying to reach him–me, Jim Cramer!–makes me shudder for the economy’s future.

I’m gonna get another bear claw, but when we return, I will attack my parents for being some of the worst Santa Claus- and Tooth Fairy-destroyers in history.

Football, The Funny

A Word From Bill Belichick to His Prodigal Sons

belichick.jpgAll the little fledglings who left my nest, see how their wings have been clipped. First Romeo, then Eric. Charlie is surely not long for Notre Dame. It shan’t be long before they come begging for refuge. And I shall refuse them. Not because I am cruel, but because they must learn for themselves the pain we must all endure in this vale of tears.

And also because I am cruel. Quite a bit, actually.

I shall, however, pass along these words of advice on what to do once the axe has dropped.

When you clean out your office, everything goes in the shredder. Playbooks. Game film. Third string tight ends. Shred it all to ribbons. Then shred the ribbons. Then burn the shredded ribbons. Then eat the ashes of the burned shredded ribbons. The next time you take a dump, you do it in a 12-foot-deep hole, which you then fill with cement. And before the cement hardens, throw some pit bulls in it. That will keep neighboring children away.

You now have a choice to make. In the wake of this incident, you can choose to be humble and take your lumps. You can choose to discover within yourself a kindness and charity you never thought possible.

These would be the wrong choices. What you must do is recognize this humiliation for what it truly is: a forge in which you shall rehsape your soul. You shall hone it to a sharp point, and you shall use that soul-blade to smite your enemies!

This is also an excellent opportunity to update your Enemies List. I prefer to do this on a daily basis, but I realize that simple weekly checkups may suffice for most coaches.

Some head coach somewhere shall offer you a coordinator’s job. He shall count on your desperation to ensure your fealty and a cheap price tag. Accept the position and the pittance it pays, but do not forfeit your allegiance. For no one deserves it but Gorlaqk.

Yes, Gorlaqk is responsible for my coaching prowess. You didn’t believe it
was due to intense study of game film and inspiring leadership in my players, did you? No, all my achievement flows from the fount of Gorlaqk, as deep and rich as blood from a freshly sliced throat.

All hail Gorlaqk the Dread! Tremble before his mighty talons! Lay before him your first-fruits, and he shall reward you with riches and success, and many, many hooded sweatshirts!

Adtacular, Seasonal Fare

Corporate America Finally Gets It, Except When It Doesn’t

In case you hadn’t heard, the economy’s in the toilet. As such, this year’s holiday ads have taken quite a different tack than usual. Rather than pressure you to SPEND SPEND SPEND, most commercials emphasize the relative affordability of their product/service/store. Companies realize that many Americans are one paycheck away from wearing barrels with suspenders.

Even Lexus seems to understand this, which is amazing, since they could always be counted on to construct the most hateful Christmas ads every year. After all, any wealthy man can piss away money, but it takes a special kind of clueless plutocrat to spend an extra 30 grand on a Toyota because it has an L on the hood.

This year, their ads still feature The Red Bow. But rather than show entitled jerks surprising their spouses, they’ve decided to tap into The Childhood Wonder of Christmas. Their commercials show little kids, filmed in grainy old home movies style, explaining how nothing could ever top their best Christmas gift: Atari, Big Wheel, etc. And then it cuts to the kid, grown up, seeing his brand new Lexus in the driveway, his face lit up with a childlike glow.

Manipulative? Yeah. Exploitative? Definitely. Still, infinitely less douche-tastic than their usual holiday ads.

Plus, it features some classic toys that many viewers remember treasuring as children. They’re toys that lots of kids, regardless of background, spent thousands of hours with in their formative years.

In other words, these commercials do a much better job of tapping into universal holiday experiences. Few of us will wake up to a new car in the driveway on Christmas morning, but most of us know what it’s like to get one of these toys under the tree.

Of course, Lexus does tip their elitist hand in one of their commercials. Unfortunately, it’s the only one that features a girl/woman as gift recipient, which gives it an uncomfortably misogynistic feel. What is the little girl’s treasured childhood Christmas gift–a Barbie doll? An Easy-Bake Oven? A Light Brite? Nope, it’s a pony.

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