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Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: NL East

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ATLANTA BRAVES

2010 record: 91-71, won wild card, lost division series to Giants

Biggest offseason acquisition: Dan Uggla, whose last name perfectly describes his powerful home run swing. And his fielding.

Biggest offseason loss: Closer Billy Wagner, now retired. Fuckin’ shocker.

How will the Braves deal with their first season without Bobby Cox since 1990?: Thanks to their talent and new manager Fredi Gonzalez, the team will be more than fine. I’d be more worried about Mrs. Cox.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jairo Asencio. You want white sauce and hot sauce with that?

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Scott Proctor, who still has something resembling a human arm left after working in a Joe Torre bullpen.

Spring standout: Brandon Beachy has pitched to a 1.13 ERA, assuring himself the fifth spot in the rotation and many dumb puns on his name from headline writers.

Probable Opening Day starter: Tim Hudson, who continues to piss me off for reasons I can’t quite articulate.

Biggest question for 2011: Can the Braves challenge the Phillies for the division title, and if so, will anyone in Atlanta notice?

Strengths: Good young bullpen, lack of crowds at playoff games lessens pressure

Weaknesses: Chipper Jones running out of creative ways to end his season

Semi-serious assessment: As you get older, your hates fade. The white-hot rage I once felt toward the Braves has dissipated almost entirely. It helps that only one figure from the 1990s/2000s team remains (LAAAAA-REEEEE). But it’s also due to them having a team of mostly-home-grown regulars like Brian McCann and Jason Heyward who are much harder to hate than Brian Jordan and Greg Maddux ever were. That extends to the bullpen, which contains a lot of great young arms like Craig Kimbrel and Chris Medlen, with not a John Rocker in the bunch (that I know of). I foresee another wild card in their future, and if the Phillies’ injury woes continue, a division title is not as insane an outcome as it looked this winter. But do humanity a favor and lose the Tomahawk Chop, wouldja?

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Baseball

MLB Playoffs YouTubery: Braves

To celebrate the advent of this year’s MLB playoffs, which I am looking forward to with rapt anticipation (no, really), I’d like to do a few posts featuring YouTube finds representing each team that’s made their way to October. Next, the Braves.

Atlanta did not enjoy too much success before Bobby Cox came along, but they did manage to win the NL West in 1982 (even more impressive when you consider they’re located nowhere near the west!). Here’s some footage from when the Braves clinched the division on the last day of the season (thanks to a Dodgers loss). The clip starts out pretty low key, as the announcer fills us in on the particulars.

Then it cuts to the locker room, where the jubilant Braves make merry. Ted Turner is soaked in what I hope is champagne, while a blonde sticks to his side. One guy chugs Jack Daniels straight from the bottle, and I’m almost positive he’s not a player, just some dude who weaseled his way into the clubhouse.

Apart from this revelry, the 1980s were not kind to the Braves. But at least they were broadcast coast-to-coast on TBS, thus earning themselves the moniker of America’s Team (more for ubiquity than for performance). If you subjected yourself to Braves baseball at this time, you would’ve been treated to the opening credits seen here–which for some odd reason features as many non-Braves as Braves. Stick around to the end to see Skip Caray bitch about the horrible, horrible team he has to cover each night.

Earlier this year, at a game in Philadelphia, some idiot fan ran on the field in a red version of the Green Man outfit. Slow footed security personnel were unable to stop his romp through the outfield, so left fielder Matt Diaz took the law into his own hands. Be glad you just got tripped, buddy. At Citizen’s Bank Park, miscreants get tased.

Technically, this does not involve a major leaguer, but it happened in the Braves’ organization, so I will allow it. Mississippi Braves manager Phil Wellman disagrees with an umpires call and expresses his opinion with the China Syndrome of managerial meltdowns. On the Shit Fit Scale, this is at Winnebago Man levels.

He had to have been planning this in his head for weeks. Not even the most skilled comic improviser could have performed these shenanigans off the top of the dome.

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets

The Parallel Universe Fake Mets: Games 17-19

Game 17: Mets 7, Braves 4
The Fake Mets took an early 3-1 lead, thanks to a massive first inning two-run homer by Fake David Wright. But the Fake Braves tied the game with solo homers by Fake Troy Glaus and Martin Prado. After the Fake Mets blew a chance to get Fake Jason Bay home from third with one out in the bottom of the eighth, Fake Yunel Escoabr hit a home run off of Fake Bobby Parnell to put Atlanta up 4-3. Fake Billy Wagner came on to try to earn a save, but two hits and a Wright sac fly tied the game anew, and Fake Carlos Beltran clubbed a three-run home run to give the Fake Mets a walkoff win.

In real life: After John Maine fled the game with a mysterious ailment in his non-pitching arm, Ike Davis hit his first major league home run–a 450-foot bomb to the Shea Bridge–to tie the game at 1. As Hisanori Takashi turned in a brilliant relief performance, the Mets went ahead with two runs in the seventh, then got two more in the eighth thanks to Atlanta’s unfamiliarity with the finer details of the infield fly rule. Frankie Rodriguez allowed two base runners but danced out of danger to preserve a 5-2 win.

Game 18: Braves 6, Mets 4
Fake Ollie Perez struggled in the first, giving up two-run homer to Fake Chipper Jones and solo shot to Fake Troy Glaus. The Fake Mets came right back with three runs in their half, the last two scoring on a long two-RBI double by Fake Daniel Murphy. Fake Ollie settled down for a while, but gave up another two-run longball in the top of the sixth, this one to Fake Nate McClouth. The Fake Mets scored another run on a wild pitch in the bottom of the eighth, but could not complete the comeback.

In real life: Jon Niese danced in and out of danger all day, allowing plenty of baserunners but somehow only one run (with the aid of some sloppy baserunning by Yunel Escobar). Jason Bay tied the game with a long RBI double in the bottom of the sixth, and an RBI triple by Jeff Francoeur and a sac fly by Henry Blanco in the seventh put the Mets up 3-1. Pedro Feliciano stranded two runners in the eighth, and Frankie Rodriguez lodged his third save in as many games.

Game 19: Mets 8, Braves 3
John Maine pitched seven solid innings; his line would have looked better, but for a potential double play grounder that inexplicably skipped past Fake Daniel Murphy, leading to a two-run inning (it literally zipped past his feet, at a range at which fielders usually reach down and catch balls with ease). But a three-run homer by Fake Carlos Beltran in the fourth opened up a big lead for the Fake Mets, and a pinch-hit three-run shot by Fake Angel Pagan in the seventh put the game out of reach.

Since I’ve bitched about how unfair this game can be, I should make note of one way in which the game hands the user an advantage: the computer’s bullpen management is atrocious. Throughout this series, Fake Atlanta would bring in lefty relievers like Fake Eric O’Flaherty to face dangerous righty batters like Fake Wright and Bay, something not even the dumbest real life manager would do. Such AI incompetence allowed me to mount or extend many a rally. So thank you, dumb computer.

In real life: Mike Pelfrey somehow extended his scoreless streak, though it took him 106 pitches and a few double play grounders to negotiate his way through five innings on a raw, rainy night. Jose Reyes manufactured a run in the first by singling, stealing second, and dashing home on an errant throw by Chipper Jones. The rain came for good just as the game went official and gave the Mets a 1-0 win and a weather-aided series sweep.

Parallel Universe Fake Mets record: 7-12

Real Mets record: 10-9