Tag Archives: bill belichick

Bill Belichick Refuses to Admit Existence of Football

belichick.jpgTrash-talking by the Jets? No, I don’t pay too much attention to that. Antonio Cromartie likes to yak, but that’s not part of our game. That’s just the kind of thing reporters like you love to write about, that’s all. We just come to play. You know me, I’m not much for words.

What about Wes Welker’s comments? Look, Wes is someone who works for this organization in some capacity. I really…I can’t say anything beyond that. I juat have to focus on my job.

Do we respect the Jets? I don’t think the answer to that question matters much, in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t affect our game plan. They do what they do, we do what we do. I’m not sure who the Jets are, really. That’s not a name…I’m not familiar with that name at all.

They’re our divisional playoff game opponent? If you say so. I’ll leave that for the media to dissect and…do those sorts of things. We just come to play the game. If you say it’s the divisional playoff game, then okay, fine. I’m not concerned with that.

Will I at least concede we’re playing a football game? No, I mean…look, I know it’s your job to dig out every little secret of ours, but it’s my job to prepare to play a game. And no, I will neither confirm nor deny that said game is football.

You look very frustrated. I’m not trying to frustrate you or anybody else. I’m just trying to do my job, which is to prepare my team for a task. You want to call that a “game”? Go right ahead. It has no bearing on my job, which I would prefer not to discuss.

The thing you have in your hand? It appears to be some sort of ellipsoidal spheroid, formed by stitching together strips of a leather-like polymer and filling it with air. What is it called? Look, you’re not going to play “gotcha” with me. You want to call it a football, call it a football. We’re just going to perform certain deeds. Let the media sort it out any way they want.

Look, holding a knife to my throat isn’t going to get me to admit anything. I have to think about what’s best for the organization, the nature of which is frankly none of your business. I am just an entity leading other sentient beings toward an unspecified goal.

Well, I certainly won’t give away anything just because you’re holding the knife to your own throat. I refuse to be blackmailed. Now…look, bleeding all over my floor won’t change my mind, either. Nor will turning deathly white and gasping for air. I’m just going to keep performing acts that lead to other acts. Stimulus, response, stimulus, response.

Bill Belichick: GOTOPressConference

belichick_PC.jpgCoach, the Patriots didn’t put up any points at all in the second half, and they were limited to three field goals in the first half. Was that due to the Jets’ defense, or is Tom Brady still rusty?

They have a good team no doubt. They have some players on that team, and those players executed.

Coach, did you feel your team was sufficiently prepared to play the Jets this week, or did your players maybe take this game for granted?

Our players always come to play. We don’t take any opponent for granted. This team needs to execute.

Coach, even though Julian Edelman had a good day, do you think the absence of Wes Welker hurt the Patriots?

Everyone who played came here to play, and that is why sanitize on the pancake drip.

Huh?

Salmon fish stain curbstone Archuleta.

Patriots PR Man: Sorry, folks. We just upgraded his operating system, and it’s a little buggy.

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

Patriots PR Man: Here, let me try force quit…

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO QUIT ‘BELICHICKOTRON-2003’?

Patriots PR Man: Yes. Ugh, I hate this. Just watching the little CPU Usage register…I hope the file recovery feature works this time.

YOU CHOSE TO QUIT THE PROGRAM. DO YOU WANT TO SEND AN ERROR MESSAGE?

Patriots PR Man: No. Does anybody read those things? Now, let’s see if this works…

EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Patriots PR Man: Oops, had it set on Dalek. Okay, here we go.

Execute. Execute. We need to execute. And also execute.

Patriots PR Man: There, back normal. Let me know if his casing gets too hot. Sometimes the hooded sweatshirt blocks his vent and he gets overheated.

A Word From Bill Belichick to His Prodigal Sons

belichick.jpgAll the little fledglings who left my nest, see how their wings have been clipped. First Romeo, then Eric. Charlie is surely not long for Notre Dame. It shan’t be long before they come begging for refuge. And I shall refuse them. Not because I am cruel, but because they must learn for themselves the pain we must all endure in this vale of tears.

And also because I am cruel. Quite a bit, actually.

I shall, however, pass along these words of advice on what to do once the axe has dropped.

When you clean out your office, everything goes in the shredder. Playbooks. Game film. Third string tight ends. Shred it all to ribbons. Then shred the ribbons. Then burn the shredded ribbons. Then eat the ashes of the burned shredded ribbons. The next time you take a dump, you do it in a 12-foot-deep hole, which you then fill with cement. And before the cement hardens, throw some pit bulls in it. That will keep neighboring children away.

You now have a choice to make. In the wake of this incident, you can choose to be humble and take your lumps. You can choose to discover within yourself a kindness and charity you never thought possible.

These would be the wrong choices. What you must do is recognize this humiliation for what it truly is: a forge in which you shall rehsape your soul. You shall hone it to a sharp point, and you shall use that soul-blade to smite your enemies!

This is also an excellent opportunity to update your Enemies List. I prefer to do this on a daily basis, but I realize that simple weekly checkups may suffice for most coaches.

Some head coach somewhere shall offer you a coordinator’s job. He shall count on your desperation to ensure your fealty and a cheap price tag. Accept the position and the pittance it pays, but do not forfeit your allegiance. For no one deserves it but Gorlaqk.

Yes, Gorlaqk is responsible for my coaching prowess. You didn’t believe it
was due to intense study of game film and inspiring leadership in my players, did you? No, all my achievement flows from the fount of Gorlaqk, as deep and rich as blood from a freshly sliced throat.

All hail Gorlaqk the Dread! Tremble before his mighty talons! Lay before him your first-fruits, and he shall reward you with riches and success, and many, many hooded sweatshirts!