I attended my first Real Game at CitiField this weekend, after many unofficial sojourns a few weeks ago. It was hands-down the most enjoyable game I’ve been to in a long time. A textbook pitcher’s duel. Johan Santana not allowing a runner to get as far as second base. A Mets run scoring on a series of unfortunate events (for the Brewers). A shutdown bullpen actually shutting things down, including a game-ending strike-em-out-throw-em-out DP.

However, one thing must always emerge to sully a wonderful experience. In this case, it was The Wave.

I suppose there’s a time and a place for The Wave, but most of them remain in 1987. In a joyous, blowout game, The Wave wouldn’t bother me. However, some numbnuts decided to start up a stadium-wide wave in the 8th inning, with the score 1-0, one out, and JJ Putz on the mound. It was like I had an entire stadium of 12-year-olds with their hands in my face, saying “Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I’m not touching you! Does this bug you?”

I hate to pull out the I Pay Good Money Card, but here it is: I pay good money to go to baseball games. I do so because I like to watch guys like Putz (Closer 1-B to K-Rod’s Closer 1-A) mow down the opposition and preserve the slimmest of leads. I don’t go to baseball games to play Simon Says with 40,000 overgrown kindergarteners.

The Wave is the sports equivalent of heckling the band at a concert. You are trying to take the focus of the crowd away from what the crowd is there for, and place it squarely on yourself. If you really wanted to get thousands of eyes on you at once, you shoulda stuck with the guitar or spent some more time in the batting cage. Wow, you made other people stand up! Congratu-fucking-lations! Maybe you can win the World Championships of Mother May I!

Under my Benevolent Dictatorship, Wave Promoters shall be severely fined. If they start a Wave during a critical moment in a close game, like someone did on Sunday, they shall be horsewhipped in public. They shall also be banned from attending any sporting event for one year, and sent to Fan Reeducation Camp, where they learn how to conduct themselves at a public sporting event so as not to ruin the enjoyment of others. They shall also be given extensive courses in reading a scoreboard so they can tell the difference between a close score and a non-close score.

I have spoken.