Tag Archives: attention-seeking douches

Boob Tubery

Jay Leno Wants to Know if You’re Going to Watch the Jay Leno Show!

Thumbnail image for jayleno.jpgHey, have you thought about watching The Jay Leno Show? If not, have you thought about thinking about it?

Did you catch my interview with Bob Costas during the Packers-Bears game last night? I even worked in a timely zinger about Brett Favre! Oh, but I kid Brett Favre, of course! That’s what the show’s gonna be like–we’re gonna be right on top of the news!

Wait, you didn’t see my interview with Costas? How about the seven billion promos NBC ran over the weekend? No? You don’t watch NBC, huh? Well, couldja? Just once, for Jay?

I don’t think you understand! This is going to be a comedy show! A comedy show at 10 pm! Do you understand how groundbreaking this is? The answer is: pretty groundbreaking!

Tell you what: Watch it once! If you don’t like it, I’ll give you your money back! I know what you’re thinking: Jay, network TV doesn’t cost me anything! Zing! That’s the kind of laugh-riot comedy you can expect on my show!

But what if I paid you? You’d have to watch it then, right? You’d have to watch it!

Oh, I know you’re going to love this! Did you know NBC built me a racetrack outside the studio? It’s true! Sometimes I’ll take a few laps out there with awesome celebrity guests! And sometimes we’ll flood the tarmac and stage historic naval battle recreations with vinatge cars! Watch this week, when me, Jerry Seinfeld, and a fleet of Hudson Hornets stage the Battle of Trafalgar!

Do you know what we’re gonna have? Comedy correspondents! They’re gonna go across the nation ‘reporting’ on the stories that matter to you! No show has ever done that before! At least not at 10 pm on network TV! With comedy!

Who wants ice cream? I’ll run out and get ice cream for everyone! Does that sound cool?

Are you excited about Rock Band: Beatles? I’ll buy this intern named Jim a floppy wig and he’ll play “I Feel Fine”! If you know Jim, it’ll be hilarious!

I will do anything! Literally anything! Are there limits to what I’ll do? Trust me, you don’t want to find out!

We bought one of the world’s largest HD monitors, exclusively to project closeups of Jay’s Headlines to our studio audience! Isn’t that ridiculous? NBC paid for it with all the money they’ll save by not hiring writers and directors and actors for whatever they would’ve shown at 10 pm instead of me!

I can’t go out on the road again, folks! It’s this or a bath with a toaster! You don’t want my blood on your hands, do you? Of course not!

NBC! Proud as a peacock!

Boob Tubery, The Funny

Jay Leno Would Really Like You to Watch The Jay Leno Show!

Thumbnail image for jayleno.jpgHey guys, have you thought about watching the Jay Leno Show when it debuts next Monday? It’s gonna be blast! Guests! Comedy! Things on the news!

Boy, I wish I was on TV right now! Did you see that Obama health speech yesterday? Crazy! Boy, I’d have a few zingers ready for Joe Wilson. Then I’d also have a few for Obama, just to even it out! I like to give it to both sides! I think that’s why people like me! I’m fair!

But you should still tune in! We’re gonna have so many surprises, you won’t believe it! I just got an original user’s manual from a 1969 Lotus Super 7 Series 3! And I’ll read the whole thing, live on the air!

Watch as I play a hilarious prank on Chuck‘s Zachary Levi! He’ll order a tuna wrap from the craft services truck, but we’ll send him a turkey club and insist it’s tuna! You’ll crack up at as he exhibits mild frustration over the matter!

Did you know when I was in college, I was voted Most Likely To Continue to Exist? It’s true!

Thrill as I realize one of my lifelong dreams: drop-kicking a pumpkin across the Grand Canyon! And they said it couldn’t be done!

You guys like Twitter, right? If I did something with Twitter, would you tune in then?

We’re doing stuff for the troops, too! As soon as the first show wraps, we’ll burn it to DVD and send it to one lucky army base in Fallujah! That army base will then send it to another, and so on, until every man and woman in uniform gets to see it! Which should happen some time in 2017!

Adam Levine from Maroon 5 will stop by to restring his guitar–live!

I’m bringing back Iron Jay! But this time, it will be an actual iron statue of me! We’ll travel to a working foundry in Youngstown, Ohio to watch it be forged!

Do you like that guy Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs? Me too! If we had him on the show, would you tune in?

You’ll love the spin-off of my Headlines segments: Mastheads! You won’t believe some of the crazy names these editors have!

It’s so cold outside the spotlight, so tune in! If you don’t, I’ll have to be on the road 290 days a year because I hate my family! Come home to NBC!

Boob Tubery, The Funny

Jay Leno Says Watch the Jay Leno Show!

jayleno.jpgHello, America! This is Jay Leno telling you to watch the new Jay Leno show, which premieres next Monday at 10pm! We’re gonna have lots of exciting guests and so many surprises, you won’t believe it! 

Remember that car I drove in the commercials for my new show, the racecar with 10 on the side? I’m gonna try and eat it live on the air! It could take me all week! Can the human stomach digest a carburetor? Guess you’ll have to tune in to find out!

Join me for Jay’s Wacky Pranks! I go down to the Hall of Records and try to legally change my name to Jey Leyneaux. It’ll blow their minds! And yours!

Ever seen human chess? You’ve never seen it like this, played with the Supreme Court justices and the surviving members of the 1979 world champion Pittsburgh Pirates! Will Kent Tekulve be a pawn or a rook? We’ll see!

Bring in a homemade casserole and I’ll judge it on a scale of 1 to 10!

An old favorite will join us: Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo! And I’ll get up close and personal with a rhesus monkey! What does he do on my shirt? I can’t say, but I’ll give you a hint: it starts with “P” and ends with “urinate”!

Join me when I take a tour of the Rawlings Golf Center in Reseda, as they hand-assemble my custom golf cart! If you’ve ever wondered how cup holders are made, wonder no more!

Are you excited about the new hit animated movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? So am I! That’s while I’ll be throwing hamburger meat from the roof of our studio! If you’re lucky enough to be walking down the street at the time, you get to keep up to half of whatever lands on you!

Juggling! I’m gonna learn how to juggle! You guys like juggling, right?

World champion whistler Dave Morris will thrill us with his rendition of Wagner’s entire Ring Cycle!

I’ll do an entire monologue without using the letter ‘e’! Does that sound interesting? What must I do to get your eyes on me?! I need your attention! I’ll shrivel up and die outside of the spotlight!

The Jay Leno Show starring Jay Leno! Let’s all be there!