This is bogus, man! Jerry wants me to platoon just because I’m dangerously unqualified to play in the majors! And just when I’m about to hit my 100th home run, too! That’s it, I gotta get a trade outta this dump. Anywhere but here. This is so unfair! Carlos, back me up on this.

Huh? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. There’s hundreds of angry fans screaming at me for being a clubhouse cancer.

Whoah, that’s totally unfair! If I were you, I’d grab a reporter and tell him my side of the story.
I would do that, but the reporters are right at front of the mob, brandishing pitchforks.

You’re too uptight, dude. You just gotta take it free and easy, like me.
But if I take it free and easy, the reporters say I’m not hustling.
*pfft* Don’t listen to those guys, man. If they write stuff like that, just give ’em the cold shoulder.
Whenever I ignore the writers, they say I’m aloof and unapproachable. Oh, and sometimes they threaten my family.
I don’t know what half those words mean and you’re old. How about you, Jose? You’re a young go-getter. You gotta understand what I’m saying.
I’d like to help you out, Jeff, but I’m too busy trying to explain to the beat writers that me occasionally dancing isn’t the worst thing to happen to baseball since the Black Sox.
So you dance sometimes! Big deal! Why don’t you just ask for a trade to a different city, like me? You just gotta take what you want! I watched this motivational thingy once where this one really tall guy said that.
Because the writers would throw bricks in my face if I did that.
You guys are too timid. Hey, there’s Angel Pagan. This guy gets it.
Yeah, I get it straight up the pooper from the sports press, because I’m having a huge year and yet somehow I don’t “play the game the right way”. Meanwhile, you swing at everything that moves and get away with murder.
Hey, don’t pin this on me, broham! Don’t get mad at me ’cause I make an effort to get to know the scribes.
I tried to shake Bill Madden’s hand once, and he bit me! On the head!
Wallace Matthews shit in a box and sent it to me, on my birthday.
The only reason I’m still playing baseball is because Mike Lupica kidnapped my children.
That’s so weird. You guys are way better players than me. Why would the press give you such a hard time?
Take a guess.
You were all born on Tuesdays? I always heard reporters hate Tuesdays.
Take another guess.
Maybe you don’t smile hard enough.
Take another guess. Why do you think reporters might be more receptive to an aw-shucks boy from Georgia than three guys who come from foreign lands and have funny accents?
I don’t have time to play your mind games. I gotta split. Me and Joel Sherman are gonna hit the lunch buffet at Temptations. Hasta manana, amigos!
Is it easier being that dumb if you’re that white?

Shhh. If you listen hard, you can hear him swing and miss at something.