Tag Archives: 2010 nfl season

2010 AFC South Preview, by Peyton Manning

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, Peyton Manning.

peyton.jpgI know what you’re thinking–that’s not fair, how can they ask a player on one these teams to do a preview of the division? But I’m not actually Peyton Manning the quarterback. I’m Peyton Manning the Sony spokesman. The 3D one, not the flat one.

You see, there’s actually several dozen Peyton Mannings, each with its own unique job. For games alone, there are 15 different Peytons. There’s a 30 Yard Bomb Peyton, a Slant Pass Peyton, a Blame the Offensive Line Peyton…you didn’t think one human could do all those things, did you?

And of course, there’s a different Peyton for each product he endorses. Aside from me, there’s the Gatorade Peyton, the MasterCard Peyton, the Sprint Peyton, and a few Peytons reserved for special acting appearances like Saturday Night Live. Just don’t confuse me with the Oreo Peyton. That’s insulting.

To be honest, I’m not the most football savvy of the Peytons. But I’ve picked up a few things from hanging out with the QB Sneak Peyton, and I think I can assess this division fairly and accurately. And in my opinion, the Colts are the team to beat once again.

Never mind the incomparable marketability of the Peyton Manning Collective. Just think about the emergence of Pierre Garcon. He has tons of endorsement potential he’s barely tapped into, both here in the US and in the Caribbean! He could be the gateway to a whole French-speaking audience that’s never been fully exploited yet. And I haven’t even mentioned the possibilities for ruggedly handsome Dallas Clark !

I don’t see who can overtake the Colts for sheer marketing power. The Texans are clearly a team on the rise, but Matt Schaub hasn’t taken that big step forward to take advantage of the commercial opportunities in a big city like Houston. You’re telling me he couldn’t step up his game and do a spot for some oil company if he really wanted to?

Tennessee showed some promise last year, but you have to wonder if the weird controversies Vince Young got mixed up in will dog them again this season. It’s such a shame. Vince was such a dynamic player in college, with so much potential. He could have parlayed that talent into a national ad with Lay’s or Sears, at least. Now he’d be lucky to land a Quizno’s spot. *shudder*

The only team that could possibly challenge Indy is Jacksonville. Football-wise, they’re probably the weakest team in the division. But I see a potential breakout season for Mike Sims-Walker. With an electrifying touchdown celebration like the Choppa City Juke, he could easily get himself a guest spot on Dancing with the Stars. Can’t say that about Andre Johnson!

Gotta split–I’m meeting Justin Timberlake #3 and Toyota Eli Manning for lunch.

2010 AFC North Preview, by Big Dawg

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, Cleveland Browns superfan John “Big Dawg” Thompson.

browns.jpgWho, me? You’re not gonna ask somebody from somewhere else?

You’re goddamn serious? *sigh* Okay, great here we go. Whoopee.

Yeah, I’m excited about this season. Gonna be great watching Jake Delhomme do the…thing…with the football. Mike Holmgren should be able to, um, do some things with this…team.

Gonna be tough, of course. The Ravens have Joe Flacco and Ray Lewis and Ray Rice, but we’ve got Colt McCoy!

And the Steelers have won two Super Bowls in the last five seasons and Troy Polamalu looks healthy again. But hey, Cleveland’s got Bobby Engram.

And the Bengals have T.O. and Ochocinco and Carson Palmer, but the Browns…the Browns have…

FUCK YOU! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ASK ME TO DO THIS?! FUCK YOU IN HALF! YOU SEE THIS DOG MASK? IT ISN’T A MASK ANYMORE! I GOT PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE MY FACE LOOK LIKE THIS! I DID THIS FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM! A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FOOTBALL TEAM! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

At least Cleveland still has the best basketball player in the world. OH WAIT, NO WE DON’T. HE SHIT ALL OVER US TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE IN MIAMI. LEBRON WOULD RATHER BE #2 THERE THAN #1 HERE. THANK GOD WE DON’T HAVE A HOCKEY TEAM, BECAUSE THEY’D JUST SHIT ALL OVER MY DREAMS, TOO!

WHY DO YOU THINK I GOT CAUGHT ON A DUI RAP LAST YEAR? I JUST WANT THIS VALE OF TEARS TO END! LET ME DIE AND COME BACK AS AN ASSHOLE COWBOYS FAN AND MAYBE I’LL KNOW HAPPINESS IN THE NEXT LIFE! ARRRRRRRRRGH!

You know what, though, I think Josh Cribbs is gonna have a monster year, I can just feel it.

2010 NFC North Preview, with Michelle Bachmann

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, the Republican representative for Minnesota’s 6th Congressional district, Michelle Bachmann.

bachmann.jpgI’m so excited for the NFL season to start up again. Football is the great American pastime, because it has so many of the things that made this country great, like helmets and shoving. Granted, I’m not a big fan of its socialist salary caps, but I do like the fact that ungrateful employees can be cut at a moment’s notice with no consequences at all. Someday I hope to bring that kind of forward-thinking right-to-work-ism to the great state of Minnesota!

It was very disappointing to watch the Vikings lose last year’s NFC championship game to the Saints. I thought for sure Minnesota would triumph over a city like New Orleans, which had the nerve to say we didn’t respond to Hurricane Katrina quickly enough after we gave them all that surplus food and government trailers, and even let them crash at the Superdome for a coupla days. I swear, you give some people several hundred inches of water and they’ll take a mile!

These people could learn a lot from Brett Favre, a man who got to where he is from hard work and perseverance and good ol’ hard work. He didn’t ask for any handouts, no siree Bob! All Brett needs is an entire off season to decide if he wants to play or not, and if so, for which team. And of course, he needs a team with a good supporting cast like the Vikings have. A supporting cast that will say “Okay Brett, just take yer time there,” and be okay with not knowing exactly who they should take in the draft.

Brett can’t do it alone, of course. He’s got Adrian Peterson, who’s not only the best running backs in the whole sport, but has a fine, solid Scandinavian name despite being a Black! And Percy Harvin is quite the wide receiver, even if he has a name that sounds kind of womany. But better a womany first name than a Muslim-y first name, like a certain commander-in-chief who shall remain nameless. (Here’s a hint: it rhymes with “Barack”.)

I look up and down this division, and I don’t see another team that has the kind of all-American sticktoit-ivity of Brett Favre. Jay Cutler whined his way out of Denver, but now he’s getting his comeuppance: he has to QB a crummy team like the Bears. That’s what the Chinese call “kar-ma”.

Aaron Rodgers had a good year for Green Bay, but you can’t trust a man with a mustache like that. A clean upper lip means a clean mind! That’s exactly why Obama is clean shaven–he wants us to think he’s on our side. There’s no other explanation!

As for Detroit, they’re getting exactly what they deserve after handing an entire industry over to the evil clutches of labor unions. That’s right–consequence-free bailout money. And also Matt Stafford.

Brett Favre will lead the Vikings to the Super Bowl, just like George Washington led the Union army to victory on the beaches at Normandy. Did you know that the last time I looked in my children’s history books, this historic incident was not mentioned once?! That’s the Obama administration for ya, trying to make us ashamed of all our nation’s accomplishments.