Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy.

Just so we’re clear, I don’t mean in the way that any new president would face challenges. No, I mean, they wanna take down Barack Obama so bad! They’re gonna be on him like ugly on an ape!

And when I say “they,” I don’t mean the right wing talking heads at Fox News. Oh boy, he’s gonna wish it was Fox News coming after him.

As we all know, America has enemies around the globe. Huge, scary enemies! During his first six months in office, I foresee no fewer than five terrorist attacks on American soil.

Okay, I heard some of you in the audience gasp. So let me just say, I don’t have any evidence this will happen. Just a hunch, I guess. Oh, and at least one of those attacks will involve nerve gas.

I know what you’re thinking: We don’t know of any major terrorist organization that has access to nerve gas. But I’m sure any one of them could totally get it if they wanted to. North Korea would be more than willing to sell VX to Al Qaeda. And don’t forget about all the corrupt military officials in Pakistan and Russia. Those guys would sell their grandmas for a couple bucks, and they’re not too fond of the US to begin with.

Trust me, if Bin Laden wants nerve gas, he can get it. There are ways. You don’t even wanna know.

I also think that Al Qaeda will flood our cities’ streets with a new superdrug. It will be twice as addictive as crack and give users bursts of psychosis and ungodly strength, thus creating a new race of ghetto super-criminals.

Just sounds like something they’d try to do. You know, if you think about it.

Looks like a guy fainted in the back row there. Somebody wanna help him out? Thanks.

So what we need to do is remain vigilant and put more resources into security at our nation’s major entry points. And we better do it soon, before guys with bazookas start picking off planes at major airports.

Maybe you think that could never happen, but never say never! They got tougher security at Radio Shack than they do around airport runways. Just sneak under some chainlink fence and you’re in! And you could buy a rocket launcher at a gun show these days–for like nothing! So Al Qaeda gets 10 different guys with bazookas to sneak into airports across the country, then they all start shooting down flights right after take off. It’d be sooo easy do!

What if Al Qaeda was able to insert subliminal messages into kids’ shows? Like, if they had a mole inside Nickelodeon. So our children become suicide bombers and murder us in our sleep. And America becomes full of Children of the Corn Islamo-fascists! Wow, I’m getting chills just thinking about it!

What if they replaced Michelle Obama with a radioactive robot? I saw something like that in an issue of Spider-Man once.

I know, I know, you’re probably sitting there, having just soiled yourself with fear, wondering, “Al Qaeda can’t have this kind of technology, do they?” And you’re right, they probably don’t.

But an act of terrorism doesn’t have to be anything too high-tech, either. What if you just unleashed guys with box cutters in big cities? If a street is crowded enough, you can totally cut somebody and disappear into the crowd and never get caught. Just fade into a faceless sea of humanity. Now imagine that happening in, like, every major city in the country every day! Boy, that’d be really creepy, huh?

So as I was saying, it’s important that we get more federal funds to protecting the home front. Personally, I’d like to see some of those funds set aside so that every American family can purchase a shotgun and basement bunker’s worth of canned food. This would prepare us for the inevitable zombie attacks, of course!

Of course, there’s no such thing as zombies. Now. But there could be, if Al Qaeda goes ahead with its occult experiments and successfully spikes our nation’s water supply.

Believe me, they would love to have this happen under a Barack Obama administration.

So in conclusion, remember to go out and vote the Democratic ticket on November 4th!