Hello citizens of Louisiana! Hope you’re havin fun this Mardi Gras! Or at the very least not interfering with tourists having a good time, which is now against the law.

Governor Bobby Jindal here. I’m here to assure you that you don’t need to worry anymore. I won’t accept that nasty stimulus package money! That nasty, stinky, smelly stimulus money from Washington! Or as I like to call it, Sin Town!

I call it that because I can’t think of something insulting that rhymes with Washington! It’s so evil it doesn’t rhyme with anything!

Truth be told, I’m not going to reject all of the stimulus package. I mean, a man’s gotta eat! But never fear, I will reject the sickest, vilest part of the package–unemployment insurance.

Maybe you don’t understand unemployment insurance. Well, let me tell you, it’s just about the worst thing to ever happen to this country, right after the designated hitter and Will & Grace. F’rinstance, did you know that in order to collect unemployment, you have to be unemployed?

See? That’s how they trap ya! You quit your job so you can get some of that sweet unemployment dough. Next thing you know, you’re on welfare, too. And eating government cheese–which, as we all know, contains a secret narcotic agent that makes you desire premarital sex, believe in evolution, and smoke crack.

How can you get by in these tough times without government money? Do what your grandparents did–pull yourself up by your leather bootstraps! And then boil those leather bootstraps, which should make them semi-edible.

Barring that, why not learn from some of our brothers in the Bayou. Expand your palate! Ever had alligator? Possum? Skunk? Hey, there’s no better time to try it than now!

And why grab some easy federal money when you can try for some easy state money? Yes, the Louisiana State Lottery! Pick 3, Pick 4, Easy 5, and scratchoffs, scratchoffs, scratchoffs! Someone’s gotta win–why not you? Other than the astronomical odds against it, of course.

Remember what Reagan taught us, folks–government is the problem, not the solution. And I’m going to spend the rest of my career in public office proving him right!