Slice of Turkey 2012: Ed McMahon Sings the Glories of Thanksgiving!

Ed McMahon sings songs for swingin’ turkey eaters

Last year, I wrote series of posts under the banner of Slice Of Turkey, mostly about videos from old Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parades. One of my favorite clips I came across when searching for material for the series was of Ed McMahon hosting the 1981 parade. It featured Ed’s failed attempts to ride a rollerskating elephant and a rambling, red-faced monologue. It was 100 percent mental.

Sadly, that clip has been removed from the interwebs. I hope it shall surface some day so the world may enjoy it again. In attempting to find the same footage elsewhere, however, I stumbled across this clip from 1980, when Ed not only hosted the parade broadcast, but also belted out a turkey-infused ballad about the glories of Thanksgiving. This is a grade-A example of what the Macy’s Parade does every year: Take someone not known for being a singer and force them to belt out, Broadway style. At least Ed didn’t have to wear a Little Bo Peep costume.

In all fairness, Ed’s got some pipes on him. The song is pure treacle, however, lyrically and musically. What blows my mind is that the arrangements, the instrumentation, and the overall sound of this song is identical to songs I heard 20 years ago, and heard 10 years ago, and will undoubtedly hear again this year. That shows some real dedication to anachronism on the part of Macy’s and/or NBC. Do they keep this orchestra on ice somewhere and thaw them out every October?

Note the line where Ed McMahon sing-tells children “don’t be afraid” about Thanksgiving. It has the exact opposite effect. “No one was afraid about Thanksgiving, Ed. Why should we be afraid? WHY SHOULD WE BE AFRAID?! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW, ED!”

Stew Leonard’s Red Legged Mountain Turkeys

Last summer, I attempted to relaunch my on-again, off-again podcast, Holy Goddamn! I only managed to get through two full episodes before time, tide, and the affairs of man intervened to make it impossible to do the show with any regularity. However, I did construct a bunch of dumb audio bitlets for it that made me laugh, and I didn’t want much more out of the whole thing than that.

Thanksgiving’s imminent arrival brought to mind a thread that ran through one of these episodes. If you live in the tri-state area, this is the time of year when you hear radio ads for Stew Leonard’s. These commercials feature the store’s namesake on site at the farm where he’s acquired some wonderful items for his stores just in time for this holiday season. More often than not, these items are some kind of poultry that cluck and gobble loudly, seemingly unaware of their fate.

In my version, Stew has imported tons of rare poultry (“red legged mountain turkeys”) from high atop the Colorado Rockies, just in time for the holidays! Unfortunately, Stew gets much more than he bargained for, as each subsequent commercial demonstrates.

Now you can hear all the ads strung together as one brief saga, so that they might live anew. Enjoy!

[audio:http://scratchbomb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/stew.mp3|titles=Stew Leonard’s Red Legged Mountain Turkeys]

Download here.

They Fought the Math, and the Math Won

I wrote this about Nate Silver four years ago, shortly after Barack Obama was elected president for the first time. Four years have dimmed a lot of the optimism and starry-eyed hope on display within it, as I think it has for many people. Still, I stand by every word of that post, especially where it pertains to Silver.

Looking back on it, what I find most amazing is how you could apply nearly everything I said about him in 2008 to this year’s election. Four years ago, Silver made electoral predictions that were mocked and downplayed by professional pundits who didn’t like the outcome they pointed to. This year, with Silver’s profile much higher, the attacks were more pronounced, but the results were the same: When you fight math, you lose.

I supported Obama with reservations. I wish he’d close Gitmo, like he promised. I wish he’d stop sending drones out to kill people–both for basic human reasons and because it creates more terrorists than it eliminates. I wish he’d do more to end our reliance on fossil fuels, and to stop a pointless and destructive “war against drugs.”

However, none of these issues would have been improved by Obama’s only viable alternative. If anything, they would have worsened, and nearly all of the tangible good Obama has done (marriage rights, affordable health care) would have been reversed. For me, it came down to this: The party that opposed Obama spent much of the campaign season trying to rationalize rape, and their presidential candidate did absolutely nothing to distance himself from fellow Republicans who did so. As the father of a daughter, as a husband, and as a human being, I do not want that party making laws, let alone appointing Supreme Court justices.

Another reason why I couldn’t bear the thought of Mitt Romney becoming president was Nate Silver, the man who spelled out Mitt Romney’s demise months in advance. Or rather, how Silver was treated by people who perceived him as The Enemy.

Continue reading They Fought the Math, and the Math Won →

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants