A Sporting Oasis in the Urban Vietnam

I know I’ve said before that I’d watch the Mets in an active volcano if that’s where they played, but I have limits to what I’d risk to see my favorite team in person. For instance, if I don’t think I’d go out to Flushing if there was a chance I’d get my head cut off.

That, apparently, is the risk run by fans of the Indios, a soccer team from Ciudad Juarez, a border town where drug-related gang violence has reached Robocop-levels of insanity. A story in yesterday’s New York Times details how the city’s residents have rallied around the team, despite the insane danger they face simply by leaving the house:

But the lurid headlines, the murder of the deputy police chief and the threats to decapitate the mayor [!] have not deterred soccer fans, at least on game days.

But the players are probably insulated from the such insanities. Hey, they’re celebrities, right? Well…

Andrés Chitiva, a native of Colombia, was released in December,
partly because he played poorly, partly because he was shaken by a menacing phone call, team officials said. “He got scared,” said Francisco Ibarra Molina, the team president. “They wanted money or they would kidnap his kids.”

Needless to say, these conditions make it difficult for the team to attract star players, or get a bigger stadium built. I imagine the mayor’s got bigger issues on his mind than building a new arena, like not getting his head lopped off.

Would you go to any event in a city like this? Would you even live in such a place, if you
had any choice?

And yet, according to the article, the Indios pretty much sell out their games, and no incidents erupt during the games. Of course, once the matches end, it’s back to business as usual–which, in Juarez, means over 2000 murders in the last 14 months.

Think about that the next time you wanna complain about $15 parking fees and $7 beers.

Altruism vs. Hilarity: Who Will Win?

kirk_demo.jpgA record label that wishes to remain nameless started a blog recently to document some truly awful demos they received over the years. This presents me with a dilemma.

On the one hand, I think you should only laugh at Big Targets. People who can take it. You know, be like The Marx Brothers and make fun of the Margaret Dumonts of the world. It’s too easy to laugh at the poor slob who wants to make it big in music, but doesn’t have the chops or equipment or connections to make it happen. I don’t like when people put themselves on a Hip Pedestal so they can laugh at the unsophistication of others.

On the other hand, holy shit, there is some comedy gold on this site. Especially since most of the songs are delivered in a Chesapeake southern drawl that sounds like Philly Boy Roy crossed with Kenny Powers.

If I had to pick a favorite, it’d be this one, which the anonymous label describes as being “like a step aerobics class from hell”. I would have said “like a step aerobics class from hell that just dropped acid”.

Joe Biden Lends the President Some Gaffe Tips

biden.jpgSo you gaffed. Big deal. I do it all the time! I gaffe more before breakfast than most people do all day.

Here’s what you do. I call it the “aw shucks” defense. You just say stuff like, “aw jeez, I’m sorry!” like you’re a big dumb galoot who can’t even control what comes out of his mouth. Works for me all the time! It makes you sympathetic. By the time I’ve done, I got the president of Bolivia apologizing to me, even though I just called his country a hellish sinkhole.

Then again, I guess you have a reputation as a smart man and a skilled orator. I’ve never had that problem. So maybe that strategy won’t work for you.

It was a good idea to gaffe on a Thursday night, though. That way, they roast you on Friday, but the weekend’s about to start. By the time Monday comes all the news outlets are on to the next thing.

Me, I try to save my really big gaffes for Friday afternoons. The newspapers are already knocking off for the day by then. I spit out something really stupid around 3:30, then I can spend Saturday on the links, free of worry.

Also, March Madness–excellent time to gaffe. Nobody’s watching CNN or Fox News right now. Not while they’re keeping track of their brackets. I also find Super Bowl week is a good gaffing time, as is pretty much any day from late June through Labor Day.

Would it help if I made an even bigger gaffe to take the heat off you? I got a speech scheduled for a Mothers Against Drunk Driving event later today. How bout I make some real dumb old-timey Foster Brooks-type jokes about tippling? Or if I accidentally ask a mom to bring her kid on stage, even though I know her son was killed by a drunk driver?

No matter what you do, make sure you apologize. Better late than never, I say. And if you do wait a few days to apologize, you can just say you were doing it on Colored People’s Time.

Oh jeez, I can’t believe I said that! Oh man! I am so sorry!

See? Learn from the master, kid.

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants