A Graduate of the WTF School of Art

I might be alone in this. Maybe no one else notices or cares. I am willing to accept that.

But is anyone else as disturbed by the Daily News’ sports cartoonist as I am?

nydn_cartoon.jpgI don’t even know why, but these cartoons terrify me. Maybe it’s the way they only vaguely resemble their subjects. I assume the Yankee is supposed to be AJ Burnett, but it could also be Woody Harrelson. Or Fred Astaire. Or a million other people who it sorta kinda but not really looks like.

Maybe it’s the art’s spiritual similarity to Six Flags caricatures. I’m surprised he didn’t paint Johan Santana on a skateboard.

Maybe it’s the weird kewpie doll cheeks and pouty lips. Painting grown men like this is weird enough. Painting muscly pro athletes like this brings it into the realm of nightmare fuel. I pray you never have to see this artist’s renderings of Alex Rodriguez. 

And to top it off, OH MY GOD, JOSH BECKETT HAS NO PUPILS! HE’S A DEMON!!!

Does anyone else feel the same way, or am I totally alone in this?

1999 Project: Games 45-47

Click here for an intro/manifesto on The 1999 Project.

daveparker_mask.jpgMay 24, 1999: Pirates 7, Mets 4

Thanks to the general ineffectiveness of their starting rotation, the Mets front office debated bringing Jason Isringhausen all season. The member of the ill-fated Generation K missed all of 1998 thanks to elbow surgery, and had appeared in only 33 games since a promising rookie campaign in 1995. Bobby Jones’ trip to the DL (despite Jones’ protests) forced the team’s hand, and he was called up from triple-A Norfolk in time to start the series opener in Pittsburgh.

Izzy showed flashes of the stuff that made him a first-round pick, striking out seven in six innings of work. But his first pitch was tagged for a double, and Jason Kendall clubbed a three-run homer shortly thereafter. The righty would give up another homer and five runs overall. Bobby Valentine called his outing “encouraging,” but it didn’t translate into a win.

The Mets’ offense pulled within one, but Turk Wendell gave up a two-run homer to Ed Sprague that put the game out of reach. They got the tying runs on base in the eighth and ninth innings, but couldn’t get break through against the Pittsburgh bullpen.

May 25, 1999: Mets 8, Pirates 3

Masato Yoshii turned in yet another quality outing–not an overpowering one, but more than effective. The Pirates got the leadoff man on in five of the seven innings Yoshii started, yet were only able to scratch out two runs against him. He gave up a leadoff homer to Al Martin and settled in thereafter, striking out six and inducing two key double plays in 6 2/3 innings of work.

Offensively, the Mets were kickstarted by a 442-foot solo bomb by Mike Piazza off of future battery mate Kris Benson. A few batters later, Brian McRae hit a three run shot, which was all the offense they would need, although they added four more runs against the Pirates’ relief corps.

May 26, 1999: Mets 5, Pirates 2

Orel Hershiser pitched six strong innings to earn the win and helped his cause with a pair of hits. Benny Agbayani knocked the fourth home run of his brief major league career, and John Olerud hit a key two-run single in the top of the ninth to plate some insurance runs.

However, all the post-game talk centered around the Mets’ injury woes. Al Leiter was suffering from a sprained knee, and following an unpromising BP session, Bobby Valentine opted to push back his next start by at least one game. To make matters worse, Isringhausen experienced elbow pain during a throwing session, which jeopardized the likelihood of him making his next scheduled start.

Bobby Bonilla was eligible to return from the DL but refused to take a rehab start in the minors. Instead, he wanted the Mets to fly farm team pitchers into New York for him to face, as they had done with Mike Piazza. (Such a team-first attitude is what made Bonilla a favorite among Mets fans everywhere.)

Unfortunately, the Mets’ troubles were only beginning.

This Isn’t a Pocket Protector, It’s an On/Off Switch for a Killing Machine

A friend of mine recently recommended that I watch Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior, a show in which legendary fighters of the past are pitted against each other. I had misgivings. With its channel of origin and thoroughly violent content, I thought for sure it would be Pure Steakhead Theatre. I could just smell the Axe bodyspray and Rockstar energy drink wafting off of it.

But rather than dismiss the show outright, I decided to give it a shot. I watched it for the first time last night, and I think it might be my new favorite show. This is definitely a show for the Ed Hardy Crowd, but it is also undoubtedly the nerdiest show I have ever seen. The guys on this show make Adam and Jamie from Mythbusters look like quarterbacks.

dw.jpgThe show is structured thusly: Experts on a particular warrior class are invited to the studio to demonstrate their respective warrior’s weapons, fighting style, armor, etc. The warriors are judged in various areas: long and short range weapons, defensive ability, and so on. For each category, one warrior gets an ‘edge’. The true winner is determined using a sophisticated computer program (which, on screen, looked a lot like an Excel spreadsheet), and a fake, very bloody battle takes place that reveals the victor.

From this description, you’d think this show would be eye candy for the Nutritional Supplement Set. And you’d be right. But the warrior experts it features are some of the hugest nerds you will ever see.

We all went to high school with at least one dude who was really into swords, or ninjas, or martial arts. Guys who weren’t usually good athletes, but could tell you all about how you could kill a man three times before he hit the ground, or describe how a throwing star was forged in excruciating detail.

Imagine they took all of those guys and gave them a TV show. That’s what The Deadliest Warrior is: like Dungeons and Dragons with a cardio workout. The whole show is like one long, hissy cafeteria-table-discussion wherein nerds discuss completely hypothetical fights. “Excuse me, but, ahem, I’m sorry, there is no way a claymore could pierce the shield of an Incan warrior!”

You should watch this show because it’s awesome to see a katana chop a ballistics gel dummy in half. And as a bonus, you get to see Fake Samurais trash talk Fake Vikings about the merits of their respective warriors. But trash talk in the highly technical, highly hilarious Nerd Fashion:

“Yeah, I think that war club blow would have turned your tibia into powder.”

“Maybe it would have, if I wasn’t wearing my double-forged chainmail sleeve, duh!”

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants