Thank you for sticking with Joe Buck Live, starring me, Joe Buck, as Joe Buck, the humble middle American sportscaster who rose to the pinnacle of the sportscasting world by sheer grit and determination and being the son of a legendary broadcaster. In my next segment, we discuss the intersection of celebrity with sports. Has it gone too far? Is there any way to stop it? And what’s the deal my hair? To discuss this compelling topic with me, here is the renowned social commentator Artie Lange.
/spews filth and gay jokes for ten minutes
America, I apologize. When I invited Artie to be a part of my show, there was no way I could have known he would act like this.
What are you talking about? I always act like this.And I share your OUTRAGE and DISGUST that someone would behave like this on national television.
C’mon, this is HBO. Is what I said any worse that seeing Phil Leotardo’s head crushed by an SUV? Or any more horrifying than Sarah Jessica Parker’s head?
Hopefully, my next guest will stick to the topic and elevate the level of discussion. Please welcome the Distinguished Professor of Sports Anthropology at Cornell University, Miss Typhoid Mary.
*cough*
/room fills with deadly bacteria
I apologize to my studio audience for infecting them all with a hideous disease. But honestly, how could I possibly know such a thing would happen when I invited Typhoid Mary to my show? I’m certain that my next guests will do a better job of keeping the decorum at a family-friendly and less-life-threatening level. Please welcome two bonobo chimps.
/fling feces
/engage in ritualistic homoerotic behavior
/fuck each other violently
That is just unacceptable. I apologize again, America. Nothing could have prepared me for these primates’ behavior, other than decades of zoological research. I’ll have to go back to my original plan: I’ll place these pressurized cans of solvent next to a lit acetylene torch and a pile of oily rags. I’m sure this group can stimulate a lively adult conversation.
FOOOOM
The Wheels Have Come Off (Your Mind)
The mini-topic of last night’s Best Show was “the dumbest vanity license plate you’ve ever seen”. I wasn’t listening live, otherwise I would have called in with these two gems:
Gem #1: There’s a nondescript green Ford minivan frequently parked on my block or nearby in the neighborhood. It’s a total Soccer Mom Car, except for the personalized license plate: BACKSTAB.
So either this soccer mom is (A) a former member of The O’Jays, (B) a professional turncoat, or (C) a fucking maniac. Most of the time, when I see weird things in the street, I want to know The Why behind it. In this case, I have no desire to know what chain of events would lead a person to get BACKSTAB as their license plate. There’s no way that story doesn’t end in a depressing and/or horrible manner.
Gem #2: I was driving around Howard Beach, a neighborhood that virtually guarantees to show you something horrible/awesome. Cross Bay Boulevard was all backed up, so I took a left onto Pitkin Avenue. And boy, was I glad I did.
Parked on Pitkin was a Scion with a custom yellow paint job, the kind usually found on super-souped-up muscle cars. Except this was a Scion, a car that, even without a custom paint job, looks like a Cheez-It box with wheels. In yellow, it looked like large chunks of government cheese held together with toothpicks. And across the windsheild, in jagged No Fear-type letters: THE ASSASSINATOR.
I did four takes before I realized, “Wait, that’s not a word!” What’s even more hilarious is that I’m sure the detailing cost him an assload of money. Nine times out of ten, there is a directly proportional relationship between how much money is spent customizing a car and how idiotic it looks.
I pulled over across the street, because I HAD to have a picture of this. But then I considered the neighborhood and thought better of it. I had visions of some mook with a Dragonball-Z haircut jacked up on Red Bull beating me to death with a chain for mocking his car. Even without a photo, it will remain burned in my memory.
1999 Project: Games 48-53 (A Homestand from Hell)
Click here for an intro/manifesto on The 1999 Project.
May 28, 1999: Diamondbacks 2, Mets 1
The Mets began a six-game homestand with the news that both Jason Isringhausen and Bobby Jones were ailing. Things didn’t improve much at game time. Rick Reed pitched well in his 7 innings of work, but gave up two runs in the second on a walk, a single, and triple. That seemed to be all the offense would Arizona would need, as Omar Daal shut the door on the Mets.
A homer by Benny Agbayani in the seventh (his fifth on only 43 at bats) cut the deficit in half, and the Mets threatened in the bottom of the ninth, loading the bases on two singles and a walk. But Luis Lopez struck out looking, thanks in part to a strike zone the Mets thought had suddenly shifted.
To add another layer of weirdness to the proceedings, Turk Wendell was forced to leave the field in the eighth inning because, as Diamondbacks manager Buck Showalter pointed out, he was using a two-colored glove, which was apparently illegal. Wendell swapped the glove and returned to the mound to pitch a scoreless frame. “It’s Showalter’s little antics,” Wendell told reporters. “He’s a stickler aboutlittle things like that. Power to him. It didn’t work. I’m sure Bobby Vdoes the same thing.”
May 29, 1999: Diamondbacks 8, Mets 7
This game saw yet another Mets pitcher go down. Allen Watson, starting in place of the injured Isringhausen, tried to kick-stop a line drive with his foot. This unwise move resulted in Watson limping off the field, and the Mets’ usually reliable bullpen did not hold up.
Every reliever but Armando Benitez made an appearance, but to no avail. Pat Mahomes and Rigo Beltran had both been stingy in their recent appearances, but they gave up three runs apiece this day, and the offense could not bail them out. Armando Reynoso, who’d been with the Mets the previous two seasons, gave up five runs in his five innings of work, but that was sufficient to earn a victory. In his first major league appearance, Byung-Hyun Kim pitched a 1-2-3 ninth for the save.
The team’s frustration was clearly mounting. Brian McRae was tossed in the first inning for arguing balls and strikes. Rickey Henderson was picked off of second, which could have cost the Mets a precious run. And Rey Ordonez suddenly needed two days’ rest for a knee injury that came as a total surprise to manager Bobby Valentine.
Continue reading 1999 Project: Games 48-53 (A Homestand from Hell)