Holiday Horrors: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys

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Perhaps the title of this post made you do a double-take. Surely he’s not referring to the beloved holiday special?! No, of course not. The original Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is an unbridled triumph. (Although a friend of mine just reminded me of something disturbing in it, which I may cover in a future Holiday Horrors installment.)

What I’m referring to is a special produced for the direct-to-video market (a true mark of quality) in 2001. I don’t think the title is meant to remind people of the Christmas classic–I think it’s supposed to confuse them and make them think they’re purchasing the original.

At least that was my initial reaction. ABC Family ran it earlier this week as part of their 25 Days of Christmas spectacular, and when I saw it listed in the cable guide, for a second I assumed it was the special I grew up with. So I turned it on, hoping to introduce The Baby to its charms. Needless to say, I was not pleased.

Though it contains many of the same characters–Hermey the Elf, Yukon Cornelius, many of the Island of Misfit Toy residents–any resemblance between it and 1964’s Rudolph is purely coincidental. For one thing, it eschews the stop-motion craft of the original–you know, its major defining characteristic–for CGI. Bad CGI. Really, really bad CGI.

I know that technology proceeds at a breakneck pace nowadays. Eight years is a long time in Computer Years. Even so, this animation is unacceptable. Especially since the original was created with such care and attention to detail. Rankin-Bass made their original with stop-motion dolls, painstakingly shooting each scene frame by frame. You can see the craft in every shot.

In the 2001 retread, you can’t see anything except all the corners that were cut. I’m definitely not anti-CGI. Every time I watch a Pixar film, I’m blown away at how computers can create something so warm and full of life. Then I see garbage like this and I remember, “Oh yeah, computers can make horseshit, too.”

Remember how the original Rudolph had all of those catchy, heart-warming songs? This special doesn’t have those either. Oh, it has songs. It just doesn’t have memorable ones. The songs aren’t horrible, but they sound as forced as a Katie Holmes smile looks. I actually felt sorry for the composer, trying to squeeze blood from this stone, and hoped that at least s/he was well compensated. But if the animation is any indication, no one involved with this thing was paid too well.

What happens in this special? Some guy steals toys, and then they go to the…island…or something. The writers clearly didn’t care about a plot, so why should I? And for some reason, Rudolph still longs to have a normal nose, even though his red nose is the only reason anyone likes him. But that gets resolved when…ugh, it doesn’t matter. I’m getting mad just thinking about it. And sleepy. Is there such an emotion as sleepy-mad?

But at least this special has star power! Burl Ives’ banjo-playing snowman character is replaced by a reporter snowman called Scoop, played by Richard Dreyfuss. Rick Moranis and Jamie Lee Curtis each play villains. None of them distinguish themselves in any way, as if they hoped no one would notice their presence if they didn’t get too excited. Like everything else about this special, their performances are resolutely mediocre.

This is easily one of the worst Christmas specials I’ve ever seen. There are worse specials in terms of overall quality, but this one tried to piggyback on Rudolph, a true work of art that’s treasured by millions of people. It was obviously written by committee, rushed through production, and not given one iota of care and attention. Because whoever created it thought they could just appropriate the Rudolph characters, slap a confusing name on the DVD package, and rake in the dough.

Shame on you, sir or madam. May you get eaten by a Bumble.

Holiday Triumphs: Jean Shepherd

shep2.GIFJean Shepherd has been a prominent obsession of mine for a long time. Both my parents grew up listening to him on WOR radio in New York, where he did a 45-minute show every weeknight for over 20 years.

What did he do for 45 minutes? Tell stories about his youth in a northern Indiana steel town, or his years in the Army during World War II, and ruminate on the human condition, virtually uninterrupted. He would weave tales, veer off on tangents, and catch you up in his verbal wave. And then, just as the end credit music swelled and you thought he could not sew everything up in time, he did.

The fact that he did this five days a week (plus several years of a simulcast, two-hour live weekend gig at a Greenwich Village club called The Limelight), completely off the top of the dome, is nothing short of mind blowing. If he’d done his work in virtually any other medium, he would have won 10 Pulitzers. Unfortunately, he worked on the radio, a medium that’s as disrespected as it is ephemeral.

His show was resolutely anti-commercial. He was certainly not averse to making a buck, but he had little interest in changing anything about himself or making nice in order to do it. He would often mock the ads that ran during his show, or talk over them, or if he was reading the copy himself, punctuate it with his own observations that weren’t germane (or flattering) to the product being discussed.

He also constantly tweaked WOR, a button-down conservative station where he stuck out like a sore thumb. During station IDs, he would often tie in a topic or prhase he just mentioned. (“Speaking of the trivial, this is WOR AM and FM, New York…”)

It was, in other words, the kind of show you simply can’t do on radio anymore. The closest thing to it, vaguely, is The Best Show on WFMU, because WFMU doesn’t have to deal with commercials, so the show can proceed at its own pace. But a major part of The Best Show is its guests and callers–particularly the long calls between Tom Scharpling and characters played by Jon Wurster. Shep, on the other hand, never spoke with anyone but himself. He delivered his monologues as if having a conversation with you, the listener, but really he just needed a microphone to write novels out of the air.

This time of year makes me think of Shep because nowadays, if he’s remembered at all, it’s as the writer of A Christmas Story, the holiday favorite that’s inescapable every December. Shepherd also narrated the movie; that’s his devilish, mellifluous voice you hear throughout the film, punctuating it with priceless lines like “the soft glow of electric sex”.

I like A Christmas Story a lot, but as great as it is, it does not have the same tone or feel as his radio shows. It’s much more sweet and nostalgic. In fact, Shepherd initially dismissed the movie once it bombed at the box office. (To give you an idea of the angle he wanted, his screenplay was initially titled Santa’s Revenge.) He only embraced A Christmas Story later when it made him a millionaire.

In his tales of kid-dom, the themes he always came back to were pain, disappointment, and disillusionment. This has always resonated with me, because I feel that most adults idealize childhood to a ridiculous degree, when in fact childhood is often terrifying. Early in his radio heyday, Shep told an interviewer, “Childhood seems good in retrospect
because we were not yet aware of the basic truth: that we’re all losers,
that we’re destined to die and death is a defeat.”

The kids in his stories don’t have happy endings. They don’t get what they want, and if they do, it becomes a Pyrrhic victory. He begs and begs for a BB gun, only to be thwarted at every turn (even by Santa himself), and when he finally gets the object of his desire, he nearly shoots his eye out. He scrimps and saves to get a Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring, then discovers to his horror that it’s just a marketing tool. (A crummy commercial?)

I discovered Shep for myself thanks to the interwebs in the late 1990s, when old fans of his who taped his shows back in the day began to digitize them for the rest of the world to hear. To be sure, not everything holds up, and Shep occasionally busts out an embarrassing ethnic accent (think Krusty the Clown’s “me so sorry!” act). But far,
far more of his shows are relevant than not. It’s truly remarkable.

For years, I would corner any acquaintance of mine and insist they had to listen to his old shows. Because I’m an evangelist by nature, and also insane. Few heeded my pleas, and I don’t blame them, because when you think of Old Radio, you think of creaky stuff like Fibber McGee and Molly and other shows that have not aged well. Plus, there is a lot of Shep out there. It’s hard to know where to begin.

In my own opinion, you can’t go wrong with any Shep show from the 1960s. Earlier in the decade, his shows were much more somber and dark. Over time, he gradually crafted himself into a master storyteller; 1963-1969 or so is his high watermark. By the time the 1970s rolled around, his show was saddled with more commercials, and he saddled himself with more extracurricular activities (a PBS series, short stories for Playboy). The shows suffered for it, and by 1977, his lack of commercial appeal caught up with him. He either resigned or was fired from WOR, depending on who you ask, and sadly spent the rest of his life completely dismissing his brilliant radio work, bitter over what happened to the medium.

Here I present a few of Shepherd’s holiday/winter tales for your perusal, so you can judge for yourself. The first is the saga of his friend Flick sticking his tongue to a flagpole on a cold winter morning–later immortalized in A Christmas Story, heard here in a show from 1968.

As back story, the “Dayak curse” Shep refers to at the beginning of this show was a prank/experiment he did several times on his show (one of his few “recurring gags,” if you will). He would play a recording of some spooky-sounding, Eastern music and say that it was a special flute crafted in the wild jungles of Borneo as an instrument of war, designed to kill anyone under a certain age. Since his audience skewed pretty young, it was a frightening prospect to the vast majority of them.


Download file here.

In this second show from 1963, Shep talks about buying a gift for his mother that he thinks is really gonna knock her socks off: a perfume atomizer. Plus, a glimpse into the bygone days of ordering Christmas gifts by radio.


Download file here.

Finally, this last program from 1964 isn’t a Christmas-related show, but it is seasonal, and a perfect example of Shep’s story-telling powers. In it, he recounts The Great Indiana Blizzard that tore through his town one winter.


Download file here.

If you dig any of this, I suggest checking out FlickLives.com, which has tons of info on Shep and lots of shows for download. There’s also a podcast, The Brass Figlagee, which has literally hundreds of Shep shows for download.

He’s one of the greatest artists of the 20th century you’ve probably never heard of, and we’ll never see another like him again. I hope you enjoy the selections above.

Holiday Horrors: “Funky, Funky, Xmas”

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The time to make fun of New Kids on the Block, like the time of New Kids on the Block themselves, has long since passed. Such hackery belongs with jokes whose punchlines end in “Where’s the Beef?”

However, no discussion of Holiday Horrors would be complete without a mention of their 1989 album Merry Merry Christmas. Slapped together in a cynical attempt to capitalize on both the group’s popularity and the Yuletide season, it is a cornucopia of fake holiday sentiment, misappropriated hip-hop, and bad drum machines.

Late 80s music production drives me completely up the wall, and Merry Merry Christmas is no exception. This was the dawning of the digital recording era–also known as The Era of No Low End. Every sound is compressed to within an inch of its life, and it’s all so trebly it makes Alvin and the Chipmunks sound like Barry White.

The album contains no redeeming features, but if I had to pick the worst track, I’d opt for “Funky, Funky, Xmas”. There is so much to hate about it. From the cookie cutter beat to the sub-kindergarten-level lyrics to the unnecessary second comma in the title, it is wall to wall suck. And despite the double “funky”s in the title, it is about as funky as Perry Como. Especially as performed on The Arsenio Hall Show, which you can view below, if you dare.

This version is actually worse than the studio cut, because the Kids valiantly attempt to sing live over the screams of their adoring fans as they bust some Roger Rabbits. Unfortunately, without the benefit of the latest digital compressors, they sound like guys trying to shout at you across a room as they run on treadmills.

A potentially explosive collection of verbal irritants