Category Archives: Sports

Politics Schmolitics, Sports

Brit Hume Forgives You For Following a Stupid Religion

brithume.jpgI’ve heard that Tiger Woods is a Buddhist. Perhaps if he converted to Christianity, he could find the redemption he so desperately needs.

You see, Buddhism can not offer forgiveness for one’s sins because Buddhists do not believe in sin. Only Christianity can offer Woods the condemnation of a vengeful god which requires penance. A true state of grace can only be achieved after going through the heavenly gifts of guilt and misery.

I was once like Tiger, minus the billions of dollars and legions of eager groupies. Then I gave my life over to Christ, and became the joyous, love-filled man you see before you today.

I want to make this clear: Tiger is free to practice whatever religion he so chooses. That’s one of the many wonderful rights we enjoy as Americans. I simply believe he should consider changing that religion if he doesn’t want to burn for all eternity in the unquenchable fires of Hell.

Tiger’s wife and children may be disappointed with him, but he needs to get on his hands and knees and beg forgiveness from Jesus Christ, because that’s who he has truly wronged. You see, a man does not truly own his ding-dong. He simply borrows it from The Lord. And when you do terrible things with that ding-dong, Jesus is unhappy.

Think of your male organ as a rental car. It should be returned to its maker in the same condition as when it was given to you, with a full tank of gas.

As for those of you with lady parts, The Lord does not want you to think about them in any way, shape, or form.

I also read somewhere that Buddhists don’t believe in shoes, which just seems weird to me. Then again, Tiger usually wears cleats on the links, so obviously it’s a religion with some wiggle room.

Ultimately, this is a journey that only Tiger can make. However, the greatest gift Jesus gave us was the power of forgiveness. So no matter where that journey takes Tiger, as a Christian I forgive him for his transgressions, and for following a dumb religion that makes no sense and is wrong.

Football

Eli Manning and Mark Sanchez Star in, Mixed Messages!

* knock knock *

eli.jpgHey Mark, it’s Eli from next door.
sanchez.jpgWhat’s up?
eli.jpgYou know how the mailman is always mixing up our deliveries? Well, I got this package and I opened it, but I didn’t realize it was for you. Sorry about that.
sanchez.jpgNo problem, it happens. What’s in the package?
eli.jpgA really shitty performance in a must-win game to close out your stadium.
sanchez.jpgWeird. I didn’t order one of those. In fact, the UPS guy just dropped off a surprisingly dominant performance in a must-win game to close out a stadium.
eli.jpgHuh. You sure that wasn’t for me?
sanchez.jpgThe label said “Jets” on it.
eli.jpgYou’re sure it said “Jets”?
sanchez.jpgPositive.
eli.jpgAw geez…now that I look at this package closer, yeah, it does have my name on it. I just, you know, was hoping maybe it didn’t. It seems like the kinda thing you’d get.
sanchez.jpgWell, I didn’t, so…
eli.jpgLike maybe the labels got mixed up at the…factory…or something…
sanchez.jpgSo that’s why you waited a week to bring it by?
eli.jpgIt’s the holidays. You know, everybody’s out of town, and parties…and stuff…I’ve just been so busy, you know?
sanchez.jpgListen, I gotta go pack for the playoffs, so…
eli.jpgPlayoffs, huh? Those are fun. I won a Super Bowl, you know.
sanchez.jpgThat was like three years ago, right?
eli.jpgI still won it!
sanchez.jpgAnd that was awesome! But I gotta split, okay? See you at the new place, okay?
/ slam
eli.jpgYou’re still gonna help me move, right?

"Classic" Scratchbomb, Football

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Don Shula, Mythbuster

shula_time.jpgAs a fan of the Jets, of course I wanted them to beat the Colts on Sunday. But as a fan of non-douchebags, I wished Indy could stay undefeated. Because that would mean they had a chance to win all 19 games, and thus threaten the sore winner tyranny of the 1972 Dolphins. Up until two weeks ago, I hoped both the Saints and Colts would go undefeated in the regular season and win the AFC and NFC championships, thus ensuring there would finally be a completely undefeated team to knock those old crabs off their cheap throne.

In every other sport, when a record falls, the previous record holder (or his family) is on hand to congratulate the new champ and wish him/her well. Even Hank Aaron begrudgingly tipped his cap to Barry Bonds when he beat the all-time home run record. If anyone ever had a reason to flip off the guy who supplanted him in the record books, Aaron did. But Aaron decided the game was bigger than him and paid tribute to Bonds, because he’s not a huge dick.

The ’72 Dolphins don’t suffer from such humility and perspective. They’re like mountain climbers who’ve scaled Everest, and decide to take sniper shots at anyone else who attempts the feat. Each year, they literally pop champagne when the last undefeated team takes a loss–and brag about such poor sportsmanship, on top of it all. And make commercials about it, too.

They insist to whoever will listen about how they’re the best team of all time, which, considering how much football has changed in the last 37 years, is borderline insane. Athletes are conditioned so much better in every single sport now, but especially infootball. Can you imagine the ’72 Dolphins trying to block the linebackers of today? Just look at these guys. They’d be mashed into the ground by the Lions, let alone a decent team.

Oh, and they played one of the easiest schedules in NFL history. Not in the NFL that year. In NFL history. Their opponents that season had a .396 win percentage. They are in the 99th percentile in terms of ease of schedule, all time. An NFL team is less likely to play such an easy schedule every again than a person is likely to be born with a dorsal fin.

Two years ago, when the Patriots were in the midst of their undefeated (regular) season, Don Shula got all a-snitter about how Camera-Gate invalidated their accomplishments. He conveniently neglected to mention that his ’72 Dolphins were not without their own ethical missteps.

He also tried to poke holes in many other grand achievements, on this very web site. It was quite a coup to get him to open up, I must say! You can take a trip down memory lane and read all about it here.