Category Archives: Sports

This Joke of an Organization Isn’t Funny Anymore

beltran2.jpgOn Tuesday, most of the Mets visited Walter Reed Army Medical Center (why wounded vets would want to see any Mets, when they’ve already suffered so much, is beyond me). Four Mets were absent. Dillon Gee, making his first major league start that evening, was not expected to show. The other three were expected, however, though the visit was not mandatory. (Apparently it was “not mandatory” the way that NFL spring workouts are “not mandatory”.)

One of the missing was Oliver Perez, thief impersonating a major league pitcher, who declined to explain why he didn’t show. Another was Luis Castillo, who said he’d be “too traumatized” by the sight of wounded soldiers. (It’s no picnic for the soldiers either, Louie.)

The third was Carlos Beltran. He didn’t go because he had a meeting with his own charitable foundation which, among other endeavors, is currently building a school in his native Puerto Rico. He also told reporters that he’d visited VA hospitals in the off-season. He expressed some regret about not being able to go to Walter Reed. So clearly he was not anywhere near as huge a jerk as his two teammates, right?

Not so, according to the Mets. Initial reports said the front office was “very, very angry” with the three of them, making no distinction between Castillo, Perez, and Beltran. The three no-shows were lumped together, as if to say they each had the same level of callousness. And in nearly all news stories/blog posts about the incident, it was Beltran’s name who led the pack.

This means one of two things: Either the Mets were too stupid to check with Beltran and ask why he was absent (entirely possible), or they didn’t care and decided to hang him out to dry with the press. Much like they did this past winter, when Beltran underwent knee surgery thinking he had the team’s permission, only to have assistant GM John Ricco accuse him of going behind their back.

Regardless of the Mets’ boundless ability to do something accidentally stupid, I have to think this was calculated dumbassery. Because as evidenced by the Knee Surgery Kerfuffle, the front office clearly has it out for the man. God only knows why.

It makes no more sense than a sizable portion of the team’s fanbase despising him. I believe this is a minority, but it is a loud minority, the kind who will wait on hold for hours to tell Mike Francesa just how much they hate Carlos Beltran. Despite being (up until the last injury-plagued season or so) the best center fielder in baseball (name me someone else and I will laugh), there are many Mets fans who’d just as soon see him dead and buried.

Why? Some have never forgiven him for a lackluster 2005, his first year in New York. Some have never forgiven him for taking a called third strike from Adam Wainwright to end the 2006 NLCS.

But there is no one thing with Beltran for some people. There’s simply a perception that heĀ  doesn’t care, that he’s a malingerer (a bit like how Jose Reyes has been tarred with the same label). When he makes strangely precise pronouncements on his health–e.g., “I’m at 75% right now”–it’s seen as a weakness rather than a sign of honesty.

Always this refrain: He should try harder. He should look like he takes it personally, as if appearing to feel a certain way could will success. As if every bad player was a stoic, and every good one a whiny, petulant Paul O’Neill type who cried about every called strike and smashed Gatorade coolers because he cares too much.

When Beltran returned to the lineup after the All Star Break, it coincided with a team-wide slump and a hideous road trip. Obviously his mere presence in the clubhouse was to blame, these fans assumed–ignoring the presence of black holes like Henry Blanco and Jeff Francoeur and streaky rookies like Ike Davis in the everyday lineup.

Never mind that he came back to the field last September, in the textbook definition of a lost season, playing for nothing at all but pride on a knee that would eventually need surgery. Never mind that he did the same thing in 2005, after after his horrific head-on collision with Mike Cameron, when he had every right to sit out the rest of the season.

Never mind he put up big numbers at the end of 2007 and 2008 in a vain attempt to stave off The Collapses (OPS in September/October of 2008: 1.086). Never mind that he hit a two-run homer in the last game ever played at Shea to give the crowd hope that maybe, just maybe the unthinkable would not happen.

Never mind all the charity work the man does, in both New York and Puerto Rico, much of it unpublicized. Never mind that despite the idiotic hatred slung at him from the Joe Benignos of the world, he’s always conducted himself with class and dignity.

He doesn’t deserve a fraction of this abuse, and he certainly doesn’t deserve to have his own team lump him into the same category as the reprehensible Oliver Perez and the squeamish Luis Castillo. He doesn’t deserve to have the Mets publicly defame him for no good reason, just because they want to get rid of his suddenly expensive contract. (In which case, why are they making public statements that will only lower his value? Just more Mets idiocy.)

He also doesn’t deserve to have the Mets’ beat writers unblinkingly report this “story” exactly as the team told it, without asking the front office why they didn’t know (or didn’t mention) Beltran’s prior commitment. The team may have Machiavellian motives, but they need help from the press to truly enact them. Abetting character assassination: not your finest moment, fellas.

If the Mets’ finances are as bad as the whispers indicate, there’s no way the team could sign another center fielder who’s worth a damn. So I know exactly what’s going to happen: The Mets will unload Beltran for pennies on the dollar, paying much of his salary to get at some piddling prospect. Then they’ll overpay for some aging “slugger” who’ll hit .220 with 12 homers and have the range of a Zamboni.

beltrancatch.jpgAnd then both fans and writers will scream about the hideous on-field product and call for whoever’s head is on the chopping block at the time. Completely forgetting that we once had the greatest center fielder to play in New York since Willie, Mickey, and The Duke. Find me another center fielder who can hit like him and make catches like this one. Or this one. Or even this one, done while wearing a knee brace. You go ahead and find me a player like that. I’ll wait here.

It was ironic that when Beltran signed in 2005, he pronounced himself proud to be part of “the new Mets”. Because five years later, this team feels like it’s reentering the clueless, fumbling Art Howe Years that preceded him. When Bobby Valentine was kicked to the curb, robbing the team of its sharpest baseball mind and its identity, giving way to grossly overpriced and (even worse) boring teams full of useless vets like Mo Vaughn and Jeromy Burnitz and one dead-end quadruple-A player after another. Teams that hadn’t the slightest glimmer of an iota of a fraction of an idea of how to construct a roster, and with no hope on the horizon.

This organization is once again a joke. And not a funny one, either. More like a tasteless, racist joke told in the waning hours of a party by some belligerent drunk, who messes up the punchline and starts over three or four times, as you avoid eye contact as much as possible and stare at your watch and wonder, When did this party stop being fun?

2010 AFC North Preview, by Big Dawg

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, Cleveland Browns superfan John “Big Dawg” Thompson.

browns.jpgWho, me? You’re not gonna ask somebody from somewhere else?

You’re goddamn serious? *sigh* Okay, great here we go. Whoopee.

Yeah, I’m excited about this season. Gonna be great watching Jake Delhomme do the…thing…with the football. Mike Holmgren should be able to, um, do some things with this…team.

Gonna be tough, of course. The Ravens have Joe Flacco and Ray Lewis and Ray Rice, but we’ve got Colt McCoy!

And the Steelers have won two Super Bowls in the last five seasons and Troy Polamalu looks healthy again. But hey, Cleveland’s got Bobby Engram.

And the Bengals have T.O. and Ochocinco and Carson Palmer, but the Browns…the Browns have…

FUCK YOU! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ASK ME TO DO THIS?! FUCK YOU IN HALF! YOU SEE THIS DOG MASK? IT ISN’T A MASK ANYMORE! I GOT PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE MY FACE LOOK LIKE THIS! I DID THIS FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM! A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FOOTBALL TEAM! WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

At least Cleveland still has the best basketball player in the world. OH WAIT, NO WE DON’T. HE SHIT ALL OVER US TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE IN MIAMI. LEBRON WOULD RATHER BE #2 THERE THAN #1 HERE. THANK GOD WE DON’T HAVE A HOCKEY TEAM, BECAUSE THEY’D JUST SHIT ALL OVER MY DREAMS, TOO!

WHY DO YOU THINK I GOT CAUGHT ON A DUI RAP LAST YEAR? I JUST WANT THIS VALE OF TEARS TO END! LET ME DIE AND COME BACK AS AN ASSHOLE COWBOYS FAN AND MAYBE I’LL KNOW HAPPINESS IN THE NEXT LIFE! ARRRRRRRRRGH!

You know what, though, I think Josh Cribbs is gonna have a monster year, I can just feel it.

2010 NFC North Preview, with Michelle Bachmann

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, the Republican representative for Minnesota’s 6th Congressional district, Michelle Bachmann.

bachmann.jpgI’m so excited for the NFL season to start up again. Football is the great American pastime, because it has so many of the things that made this country great, like helmets and shoving. Granted, I’m not a big fan of its socialist salary caps, but I do like the fact that ungrateful employees can be cut at a moment’s notice with no consequences at all. Someday I hope to bring that kind of forward-thinking right-to-work-ism to the great state of Minnesota!

It was very disappointing to watch the Vikings lose last year’s NFC championship game to the Saints. I thought for sure Minnesota would triumph over a city like New Orleans, which had the nerve to say we didn’t respond to Hurricane Katrina quickly enough after we gave them all that surplus food and government trailers, and even let them crash at the Superdome for a coupla days. I swear, you give some people several hundred inches of water and they’ll take a mile!

These people could learn a lot from Brett Favre, a man who got to where he is from hard work and perseverance and good ol’ hard work. He didn’t ask for any handouts, no siree Bob! All Brett needs is an entire off season to decide if he wants to play or not, and if so, for which team. And of course, he needs a team with a good supporting cast like the Vikings have. A supporting cast that will say “Okay Brett, just take yer time there,” and be okay with not knowing exactly who they should take in the draft.

Brett can’t do it alone, of course. He’s got Adrian Peterson, who’s not only the best running backs in the whole sport, but has a fine, solid Scandinavian name despite being a Black! And Percy Harvin is quite the wide receiver, even if he has a name that sounds kind of womany. But better a womany first name than a Muslim-y first name, like a certain commander-in-chief who shall remain nameless. (Here’s a hint: it rhymes with “Barack”.)

I look up and down this division, and I don’t see another team that has the kind of all-American sticktoit-ivity of Brett Favre. Jay Cutler whined his way out of Denver, but now he’s getting his comeuppance: he has to QB a crummy team like the Bears. That’s what the Chinese call “kar-ma”.

Aaron Rodgers had a good year for Green Bay, but you can’t trust a man with a mustache like that. A clean upper lip means a clean mind! That’s exactly why Obama is clean shaven–he wants us to think he’s on our side. There’s no other explanation!

As for Detroit, they’re getting exactly what they deserve after handing an entire industry over to the evil clutches of labor unions. That’s right–consequence-free bailout money. And also Matt Stafford.

Brett Favre will lead the Vikings to the Super Bowl, just like George Washington led the Union army to victory on the beaches at Normandy. Did you know that the last time I looked in my children’s history books, this historic incident was not mentioned once?! That’s the Obama administration for ya, trying to make us ashamed of all our nation’s accomplishments.