Category Archives: Sports

Football, Media Morons

Mike Francesa Can’t Say Anything About the Jets

francesa.jpgAlright, NFL week two is almost in the books, and I gotta man up here. I gave Rex Ryan and his team a lotta grief last week when they came up small against the Ravens. I was rough on him with my words. I did not treat him kindly with my mouth.

I called Rex classless. I said he was a joke. I said Mawk Sanchez was not an NFL quawtaback. I said some terrible things about Darelle Revis, and LaDainian Tomlinson, and Curtis Martin, just to be safe.

But let’s face it, the Jets had a big game yesterday against the Pats. A hu-yuge game. An enawmous contest. A gargantuan other-word-for-game. A game that they really had to win, if you wanna be honest. But they did, and I gotta give ’em credit.

They shut me up. After trashin em all last week, I cannot say one thing about the Jets, because I was wrong about em. They did their job and then some, and also more. So I can’t talk at all about the Jets. They are a team that I can not uttah a single word about. I gotta just shut my mouth about the Jets. You will not hear anothah syllable from me in regards to the Jets. If there are sounds coming out of my windpipe that resemble the patterns of speech normally associated with language, you can guarantee they will not be about the Jets, for that is a team that I can say nothin about.

Alright, let’s go to the phones. Paulie is callin from Ho-Ho-Kus. Paulie, what’s going on?

Hey Mike, hu-yuge Giants fan here, but I gotta agree, you can’t say nothin about the Jets after Sunday.

You can’t. You just can’t. Listen, the Jets shut me up. I’m done talkin about the Jets.

I was sayin a lotta the same things you was sayin about em…

I’m sure you were. We all were sayin things. You know the things we were sayin. I can’t say em no more, but you know what I was sayin.

Exactly. But now, I gotta just keep my mouth shut about the Jets.

You will not hear a peep outta me about the Jets this week. Not one. Of course, if they stink up the joint in Miami next weekend, I’ll be screamin at em again. But I can’t talk about that, because it hasn’t happened yet. For now, I will not say anything about the Jets. Don’t ask me to talk about the Jets. I’m done!

On last question, Mike. I got this buddy at work, huge Jets fan. He’s been givin me crap all day about how the Giants did against the Colts. Can I beat him savagely with a tire iron?

You not only can, you must. Alright, we got a go to a break, but when we come back, I’ll have Jon Heyman on, and he’ll tell me stuff that other writers tweeted three hours ago. Stay tuned for that.

Football

2010 AFC West Preview, by Taser Grandma

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. For our final installment, I’ve asked Taser Grandma, America’s oldest and most lovable taser salesperson, who you can follow on Twitter here.

tasergramma.jpgTHAT’S RIGHT, I’M TASER GRANDMA. GOT 16 WONDERFUL GRANDCHILDREN AND A WHOLE WAREHOUSE FULLA TASERS THAT I’M SELLIN AT LOW, LOW PRICES! SOME OLDSTERS GIVE THEIR GRANDKIDS BUTTERSCOTCH CANDIES. ME, I GIVES EM TASERS! THEY LOVE SHOCKIN EACH OTHER BY THE OL’ TIRE SWING!

AND I LOVES ME SOME FOOTBALL, TOO! ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVES TASERIN! THERE’S ONLY ONE THING MORE THRILLIN THAN WATCHING THE PIGSKIN WARRIORS BATTLE IT OUT ON THE GRIDIRON, AND THAT’S ZAPPIN A FULL GROWN MAN WITH THE SHOCKMEISTER 500, ON SALE DIRECT FROM ME, TASER GRANDMA! WATCHIN HIM CRUMPLE TO THE GROUND LIKE A SACK A CHARRED TATERS!

I’M HOPIN TO GET AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH THE NFL. I SEEN WHAT THEM COPS DID TO THAT NOGOODNIK WHAT RAN ON THE FIELD IN PHILADELPHIA, AND I GOT ME AN IDEAR. WHY NOT EQUIP EVERY SEAT IN EVERY SPORTS STADIUM WITH A TASER? PURE ENNERTAINMENT! EVERYONE COULD GET UP FOR THE 7TH INNING TASE! NOTHIN MORE THRILLIN THAN WATCHIN A WHOLE ARENA DROP LIFELESS!

ROGER GOODELL WON’T RETURN MY CALLS! IF HE KNOWS WHAT’S GOOD FOR HIM, HE’LL PICK UP THAT PHONE. OR ELSE HE’LL PICK UP A COUPLE THOUSAND VOLTS!

WHO’M I PICKIN TO WIN THE AFC WEST THIS YEAR? THE CHARGERS OF COURSE! I LIKE THE CUT OF THAT BOLT MAN’S JIB! AND THAT SHAWN MERRIMAN SURE CAN HIT HARD! ALMOST AS HARD AS THE SHOCKMEISTER 500! THAT’S THE TRUTH! THE SHEER, BALL-RATTLING TRUTH!

HE DON’T HIT AS HARD AS THE ORIGINAL TASERS, THOUGH. WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, TASERS WERE JUST A PAIR OF RUSTY PLIERS HOOKED UP TO A CAR BATTERY! YOU EITHER STOPPED YOUR ASSAILANT’S HEART OR GAVE HIM TETANUS!

I LIKES THE CHARGERS BUT I DON’T CARE FOR THAT PHILLIP RIVERS. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT FACE JUST DON’T SIT RIGHT WITH ME. I’D LIKE TO GIVE THAT BOY A SPANKIN–A TASER SPANKIN! IF YOU WANNA HUMBLE SOMEONE, JUST GIVE EM A DOSE OF VITAMIN T. NOTHIN’S MORE HUMBLIN THAN GETTIN YOUR PRIVATES-HAIR SINGED OFF!

BUT WHO I REALLY DON’T LIKE IS THEM RAIDERS FANS. DRESSIN UP LIKE IT’S HALLOWEEN EVERY GOL-DURN SUNDAY. THEY’RE GONNA THINK IT’S THE FOURTH OF JOO-LIE WHEN SENDS UP MY FIREWORKS–MY TASER FIREWORKS! Y’EVER TASE A RAIDERS FAN? IT’S GREAT! SPARKS ARCIN ALL OVER THE SPIKES ON THEIR SILVER SAMURAI PIRATE GET UPS!

SOME FOLKS THINK THE CHIEFS IMPROVED, BUT I THINKS THE ONLY THING THAT GOT BETTER WAS THE TARGET FOR MY TASER! THAT CHARLIE WEIS IS A BIG FELLA, AIN’T HE? MAYBE LIGHTNIN JUICE’LL GET THAT BLUBBER OFF YOU, FATTY!

AS FOR THE BRONCOS, THAT TIM TEBOW FELLER’S A BIT TOO HIGH AND MIGHTY IF YOU ASK ME. HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN DOWN A PEG. AND THE BEST PEG-TAKIN-DOWN TOOL THERE IS? YOU GUESSED IT, A GOOD OL’ FASHIONED TASERIN.

AND IF MR. TEBOW’S IN THE MARKET, WE GOTS A FULL LINE OF RELIGIOUS-THEMED TASERS. THE SHEPHERD 316 IS A CROSS-SHAPED TASER WITH THE LORD’S PRAYER TASTEFULLY INSCRIBED ON THE OBVERSE SIDE, SO’S YOU CAN COMMUNE WITH THE MAN UPSTAIRS WHILST YOU SEND SOME NO GOOD PUNK TO HELL!

Baseball, The Funny

Get Metsmerized! with Tom Scharpling and Patton Oswalt

metsmerized.jpgAfter yesterday’s screed about the sorry state of the Mets and their desire to kill their idols, I thought some levity was in order. So please enjoy this clip from The Best Show on WFMU from August 18, 2009, in which host Tom Scharpling and famous comedienne Patton Oswalt listen to and riff on the only thing worse than the current Walter Reed ‘controversy’: “Get Metsmerized!”

“Get Metsmerized!” was the brainchild of George Foster, the Mets’ first big free agent signing (and first big free agent bust). Like many of his teammates, eve before the 1986 season began, he figured the team would have a great year. (Even as a Mets fan, I’d say Tom’s description of the ’86 Mets as “sociopaths who could hit baseballs” is pretty accurate.) So what better way to capitalize on a great year than a hastily produced rap song? The Chicago Bears had such a big hit with the “Super Bowl Shuffle” the year before, so surely this would be a big hit, too!

It was not, for the eight billion reasons you’ll hear in this clip. Hip-hop was still in its relative infancy, and in most people’s minds, rap was something that anyone could just do. “It’s just talkin over music! A kid could do that!” Foster and his chosen teammates (Darryl Strawberry, Doc Gooden, Lenny Dykstra, Rafael Santana, Howard Johnson, Kevin Mitchell, Rick Aguilera, and Tim Teufel (!)) proved this wrong once and for all.

As Patton points out, “They even yell off-key.” He also notes that roping poor Santana–who could barely speak English, let along rap–into this mess borders on “a hate crime,” and it’s hard to argue otherwise. Run DMC, this is not.

In an effort to make up for “Get Metsmerized,” later in the 1986 season, the entire team collaborated on a song/video (“Let’s Go Mets!”) that actually wound up being a local hit. While it is also cheesy and 80s-rific, it sounds like “Good Vibrations” compared to this atrocity.

Many, many thanks to @arfortiyef for supplying the clip you’re about to enjoy. You guys should probably follow him on the Twitter and read his site, too.