Category Archives: Sports

Baseball

The Sports Media DSM for PED Use

pettite.jpgWhen Andy Pettite turned in yet another dominant postseason start last week, many sportswriters praised his determination and consistency and leadership. One word I didn’t see in any of their reports was “PEDs”. (I guess that’s more of an acronym than a word, really, but bear with me.)

After all, he was named in the Mitchell Report, and subsequently admitted taking something or other. Most players who’ve been caught red-handed like he was have been raked over the coals in the press–including his ex-teammate/probable connection Roger Clemens. And yet Pettite’s use barely gets mentioned, if ever.

Personally, I don’t care about steroids, HGH, horse tranquilizers, or anything else of that ilk. My feelings have evolved on the subject, and I feel that so many people were using them, rooting out “cheats” is pointless. Especially since MLB’s PED policy was such a joke for so long, you can’t even say players were “getting away with it”, because It was a “crime” nobody was being punished for.

I also think that PEDs can’t make you a major league baseball player. They can only make a major league baseball player perform at his best–and isn’t that what we all want as fans? Performance enhancement has been going on in the major leagues since day one. Players in the 1960s and 1970s took amphetamines to deal with the brutal traveling schedule and day games after night games. The league itself “juiced” the ball at various times to drive up home run numbers, and therefore interest in the game. (MLB has never admitted to doing this, but the anomalous spikes in longball numbers in pre-steroid times have virtually no other explanation.) Not to mention how many players’ performances were enhanced because they never had to compete against black people.

Considering how much we enhance our bodies with pills, medications, surgery, all for non-life-threatening conditions (i.e., boner medicine, Botox), I think it’s hypocritical to hold athletes to higher standards of physical purity. I also think that, in a few short decades (or even sooner), the banning of PEDs will seem as silly as Prohibition does to us now.

That’s just one man’s opinion, of course. If you think PEDs = cheating, no ifs, ands, or buts, I recognize that as a legitimate argument. What I don’t like is the idea that some “cheating” is okay and some isn’t. Usually, that means the cheating is excusable if the cheater plays for your team.

When I pointed out the inconvenient fact that Pettite kind of totally did PEDs on the Twitter and the Facebook, I was accused by Yankee partisans of just being a bitter Mets fan. (Hey, I may be bitter and a Mets fan but…what was the third thing you said?) I have a feeling their reaction would have been different if I’d made comments about Manny Ramirez.

I didn’t understand the cherry picking; either it’s wrong or it’s not, right? But as it turns out, there are different levels of PED use. The members of the sports media are well trained in psychological diagnosis, and have compiled a matrix for identifying who fits into which categories, including recommended treatment. No really, they have!

CATEGORY VI

Criteria: Took PEDs to hit more home runs and therefore rob us all of our childlike innocence; may also be referred to as History’s Greatest Monsters; PED use a sign of enormous, sociopathic character flaws since none of us would ever have done the same thing in their shoes
Examples: Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa
Treatment: Constant hounding, to remind them of the torments of hell that surely await them

CATEGORY V

Criteria: Took PEDs to make them pitch better; since pitches aren’t home runs, we don’t really know
how to feel about this, but the tabloidish nature of their downfall makes for
great headlines
Examples: Roger Clemens
Treatment: Snarky comments as needed, i.e., Congressional hearings, accusations of statutory rape

CATEGORY IV

Criteria: Perform at such a high level that they surely must be on PEDs; though there is absolutely no evidence, solid or circumstantial, to support such an accusation, we feel they should confess their horrible crimes while they still have a chance to save their immortal souls
Examples: Jose Bautista
Treatment: Fleeting but pointed and irrevocable

CATEGORY III

Criteria: Admitted PED user and former Category VI member whose personal and spiritual deficiencies have been completely conquered by winning a championship
Examples: Alex Rodriguez
Treatment: Only if you want to look bitter

CATEGORY II

Criteria: Definitely took PEDs but only to recover from injury and help their team win; even though that’s essentially why anyone takes PEDs, a Category III “offender” is such a nice guy that he surely can’t be in the same class as Category VI scum
Examples: Andy Pettite
Treatmant: Ignore and it will go away

CATEGORY I

Criteria: Men who take PEDs to attain the unnatural combination of speed and bulk needed to play modern football
Examples: No idea; we don’t bother to ask any NFL players if they take PEDs
Treatment: None needed

Baseball

MLB Playoffs YouTubery: Giants

To celebrate the advent of this year’s MLB playoffs, which I am looking forward to with rapt anticipation (no, really), I’d like to do a few posts featuring YouTube finds representing each team that’s made their way to October. Last but not least, the Giants.

I know it’s hard to believe, since the game has been poisoned by Buck and McCarver for the last 10+ years, but there was once a time when national baseball coverage wasn’t a complete shit-show. Seriously! I long for the days of NBC’s baseball coverage, and it’s not simply nostalgia. Back then, NBC employed excellent play-by-play men like Vin Scully, Marv Albert, and Bob Costas. (Whatever else you think of Bob, he’s a great baseball play-by-play guy, and I wish MLB Network would use him in that capacity.) And even their color/sideline guys like Tony Kubek and Joe Garagiola were, at the very least, unobtrusive.

To see what I mean, check out this pregame footage from the 1987 NLCS between the Cardinals and the Giants. It makes today’s game reportage look even worse in comparison. Somehow, NBC was able to broadcast competent baseball coverage without the music of Kid Rock or Frank TV promos. Also, check out Whitey Herzog getting snippy with Marv Albert.

ABC also had the rights to some playoff games back in them days, and their coverage–featuring Al Michaels most prominently–was not too shabby either. Here’s the open of game 3 of the 1989 World Series between the Giants and A’s, which is notable for being the only postseason game ever delayed by earthquake. This one of those “where were you when it happened?” moments for people of a certain age. Except I can’t really remember where I was.

As a young’un, I devoured all three volumes of The Baseball Hall of Shame, which was pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The fact that the cover art was drawn by Mad Magazine‘s Mort Drucker should give you an indication of the intended audience. One book had a chapter dedicated to the worst mascots ever. The Giants’ Crazy Crab was high on their list. He made a few appearances in the early 80s, went over like a lead balloon, and was quickly relegated to the dustbin of history.

For some reason, the Giants revived him a few years ago, and he make some kooky appearances at AT&T Park. Some people were happy about this. Some, as seen in this video, were not.

Earlier this year, the Giants had a “Wearable Blanket” giveaway, a rather transparent euphemism for Snuggies. I do not approve of this, but the ad for said giveaway gave me a chuckle nonetheless.

Baseball

MLB Playoffs YouTubery: Rays

To celebrate the advent of this year’s MLB playoffs, which I am looking forward to with rapt anticipation (no, really), I’d like to do a few posts featuring YouTube finds representing each team that’s made their way to October. Next, the Rays.

As you might expect, there’s not a huge amount of material out there on the Rays. They’ve only been around since 1998, and their fan base remains relatively small (much to Carl Crawford and Evan Longoria’s dismay). I was only able to find a single Rays-related video that truly fits under the admittedly subjective category that I call YouTubery. But boy, is this one a doozy. This item definitely falls under the How Do I Feel About This? category.

It’s called “Defenders of the Game,” a super-hero-y cartoon featuring various members of the Rays, including manager Joe Maddon and coach Don Zimmer, all of whom to their own voice work. It was meant to be in-between inning entertainment, but has of course found its way on the Intertubes. Their arch-nemesis: the evil Umperor!

On the one hand, of course this is cheesy, and Joe Maddon et al. are not the best voice actors in the world. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that if I was a Rays fan and 8 years old, this would be the coolest effin thing ever. If there was a cartoon featuring Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden as crime solving robots when I was a kid, I wouldn’t have watched anything else ever again. And if you think about the usual between-inning distractions, this is far superior to Kiss Cam and See Which Plane/Subway Car/Moving Van Gets to the Stadium First.

If you’re wondering if there’s an episode guide for this series (which ran at Tropicana Field during the 2007 and 2008 seasons), wonder no more.