Category Archives: Sports

Baseball

Yes, Ronald, There Is an Abner Doubleday

budselig2.jpgMr. Keurajian–

Thank you for your thoughtful letter. As commissioner of Major League Baseball, I take its subject quite seriously. Regarding the identity of the “father” of baseball, Ronald, your little friends are wrong. They have affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. There is an Abner Doubleday.

How dreary would the world be if there were no Abner Doublday! You’d have to ascribe baseball’s existence to the slow evolution from earlier games that originated in Europe. And while that explanation might be more “plausible” and “probable”, who wants to do all the research to prove it?

There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance, no belief in the crackpot theories of early-20th century xenophobic racists determined to prove baseball was a purely American game! No belief in the inherent superiority of human failings over technology that could easily fix such errors! No blaming of the players’ union for everything bad in the sport!

Not believe in Abner Doubleday! You might as well not believe that George Washington cut down a cherry tree! Which technically, he did not, but since I was told so when I was a small child, I really don’t appreciate being instructed otherwise by a bunch of eggheads.

Just because we have never seen Abner Doubleday, or any evidence he had anything to do with baseball, does not mean he does not exist. The most real things in the world are those that no one can see. Like a purple zebra. Just try to not think of a purple zebra now. You can’t. I’ve proven my point.

You could tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that have ever lived, could tear apart. Also, why would you tear apart a baby’s rattle? That’s messed up.

No Abner Doubleday! Thank God he lives, and lives forever in the hearts of everyone too lazy to think about accepted myths too much. A thousand years from now, nay, ten times ten thousand years, he will continue to make glad the heart of dumbasses.

Baseball

Mike, Meet Sandy. Sandy, Mike

fran1.jpgSo now da Mets have officially made Sandy Alderson deir new general manager. I’ve been saying dis is gonna happen for months now. I’ve been sayin dis was gonna happen before dey even hired Omah Minaya. Dat’s how good my sawces are, okay?

I know some a you Mets fans are a little nervous, thinkin this is just ownaship sellin you a bill a goods again. Luckily, I’m here to sniff out the truth. I’m probably the biggest crusader for transparency and honesty since Edward R. Murrow. And I barely know who dat is!

So joinin me on the phone right now is da new GM of the New York Mets, Sandy Alderson. Sandy, you’re on New Yawk’s numbah one.

alderson.jpgNumber one what?

fran1.jpgTake your pick. I got three numbah ones, Sandy. Maybe da Wilpons didn’t tell you dat yet, but that’s one a da first things you gotta learn in dis town.

alderson.jpgThank you for teaching me.

Continue reading Mike, Meet Sandy. Sandy, Mike →

Baseball

“The Giants Win the Pennant!” Brought to You By Smooth Chesterfield Tobacco!

In honor of the San Francisco Giants earning a trip to the World Series, here’s a pic of an item I spotted at the WFMU Record Fair last weekend:

IMG_20101023_142758.jpg
It’s a limted edition 78 of Russ Hodge’s famous call of Bobby Thompson’s “Shot Heard Around the World”, which propelled the then-New York Giants to a World Series appearance, and also capped a monumental, nigh-Mets-ian collapse by the Brooklyn Dodgers.

The record was a special gift for members of the Chesterfield 3-in-1 Club. Google held few answers about the nature of this club; I assume it was some sort of loyalty/points-type offer (like Camel Cash decades later). I do know that Chesterfield had an enormous ad at the Giants’ home stadium, the Polo Grounds, on the face of the entrances to the clubhouses (which was curiously located in the stadium’s cavernous centerfield). Chesterfield also sponsored their radio broadcasts. Notice that the announcer is referred to as “Chesterfield’s Russ Hodges,” with no mention of the Giants next to his name whatsoever. Also notice he has a Chesterfield firmly clamped in his left hand.

Just six short years after Thompson went deep, the Giants packed up and moved to the left coast, which still seems completely insane to me. People remain angry about the Dodgers moving away and taking their insigina, uniforms, and history with them, but the Giants had an even longer (and more successful) legacy, and yet when they left Harlem, they completely vanished from New York’s baseball consciousness.

None of this will prevent me from rooting for them in the upcoming World Series. What might do so is a disturbing number of Met killers on their roster, like Cody Ross and Pat Burrell. And while I appreciate Brian Wilson’s work against the Phillies, his laughably fake black beard is the worst facial hair in the playoffs since Scott Spiezio’s red chin-snatch. Not to mention that the Giants are Chris “Mad Dog” Russo’s favorite team, and the thought of him being happy sickens me.

The Rangers seem a slightly more likable team on the surface. It would be great if Vlad Guerrero–a player whose insane dominance has already been forgotten–could get a World Series ring. Then again, I consider myself an NL guy, and the Rangers have another Met killer on their bench (albeit one who barely plays, Jorge Cantu). And if Jeff Francoeur smiled his way to a championship, the New York sportswriters corps might spontaneously orgasm with glee.

Truth be told, more than anything else, I’m rooting for a long, enjoyable, well-played series, which we have not had (arguably) since 2002. And I am grateful that this year, I don’t have to choose between the evil of two lessers.