Category Archives: Sports

Football

NFL Offers Preemptive Apology for Halftime Show

Thumbnail image for sbxlv.pngDALLAS–NFL commissioner Roger Goodell offered an apology for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show. His comments acknowledged that the show, which will feature a performance by the Black Eyed Peas, will be “totally unacceptable in every possible way.”

“We’re not 100 percent sure exactly what’s going to happen on Sunday, but we do know it’s going to be unwatchable,” Goodell said at press conference at Cowboy Stadium. “So I want to apologize in advance for foisting this on the American public.”

“I know that, generally speaking, people don’t expect all that much from our halftime show. Even so, I think this sets the bar almost unspeakably low.”

The commissioner leaned over to place his hand extremely close to the ground, then reconsidered. “Actually, I think you’d have to dig a trench to put the bar as low as we’ve set it.”

“I know this will be especially tough to deal with, since in recent years we’ve had a few artists whose performances didn’t made viewers want to kick in their TVs, such as Prince and Bruce Springsteen. If those entertaining displays got anyone’s hopes up for this year, I sincerely apologize.”

Goodell explained that the NFL was forced to take on the Black Eyed Peas because the chart-busting group’s appearances had been shared among other major sports leagues for the past few years. “We dodged a bullet for a while. I thought the NBA would be stuck with them for a few more seasons, but now it’s time for us to take one for the team,” he said with a shrug.

The Black Eyed Peas attended the press conference and were mere feet away from Goodell as he made these remarks, but the band seemed oblivious to them, spending the majority of the press conference making inscrutable arm movements and hand gestures.

“If we bear down and sit tight, I think we can all make it through this,” Goodell said. “Switch over the Puppy Bowl, go on a beer run, start a second half box pool among your guests, whatever it takes. I know we can do this, people.”

When asked if the Black Eyed Peas would play “My Humps,” Goodell sighed deeply and ran his hands through his hair nervously. “Look, I don’t like this any more than you do,” he said, before trailing off mumbling.

Goodell then ceded the podium to Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am, who screamed “LOUDER!” into the microphone, while his bandmate, Fergie, writhed in an unappealing, grotesque parody of feminine sexuality, until all reporters fled from the room, blood pouring from their ears and eyes.

Football

Blue-Collar Super Bowl Threatened by Strict Shift Supervisors

sbxlv.pngDALLAS–This year’s Super Bowl, already billed as the most blue-collar Big Game ever, may be jeopardized by supervisors at some of the players’ day jobs. Members of both the Steelers and Packers may miss the game due to employment obligations.

“I wanna get to Dallas ASAP, but my manager’s been riding my ass for months,” said Pittsburgh running back Rashard Mendenhall in a phone interview from a Firestone plant in Beaver Falls, PA. “He’s saying I might have to cover some shifts that weekend, since Charlie in receiving broke his leg and Tony’s on Guard duty this month, and we got this huge shipment of whitewalls coming in. I’d just call in but I used my last sick day the Monday after we beat the Ravens.”

Mendenhall could not address any follow-up questions because his 15-minute smoke break had ended. “You ain’t gettin’ paid to goldbrick,” said Mendenhall’s supervisor, Frank Lichtman, before hanging up the phone.

In total, the Steelers have six players who can’t commit to making a trip to the Super Bowl “until I can swap some shifts,” three who are “just hopin’ my boss don’t pull a fast one,” and two more who say, “it depends on if I can get some overtime this week, man.” This puts a serious damper on the championship hopes of a team already dealing with injuries. Three-fifths of Pittsburgh’s offensive line was lost for the season by a tragic heat-tapping accident down at The Mill.

Green Bay has fewer issues with securing time off, since most of their players work at the team’s eponymous meat packing business. However, an outbreak of e. coli at the facility last month caused several players to lose significant muscle mass. Others have had to play through an as-yet unidentified neurological disease that may be cause by incidental ingestion of porcine spinal fluid when operating the assembly line’s “brain hose.”

Quarterback Aaron Rodgers, now 30 pounds lighter than he was at the beginning of the season, has called on the plant to provide workers with face masks, which could cut down on such outbreaks. Such a move angrily dismissed by his shift supervisor, Chuck Nelson. “You think we’re made a money over here, mister?”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has asked managers to “take it easy” on Super Bowl-bound employees this week, though he added, “We all know how important it is to get the JL-157 line out the door this week.”

Football

Winter Storms May Expose Unsuspecting Millions to Pro Bowl

probowl.jpgATLANTA–The Centers for Disease Control has issued warnings that rough winter weather may expose millions of unsuspecting Americans to the Pro Bowl.

“With large parts of the country crippled by historically cold temperatures and intense blizzards, most Americans will probably spend the majority of this weekend indoors,” said Dr. Frank Cowlin, a senior epidemiologist at the CDC. “Not venturing outside this weekend brings with it increased risk of catching the NFL’s completely unwatchable quote-unquote all-star game.”

Cowlins reports that accidentally viewing this mockery of a sporting event can have many side effects. “Some victims may experience a high fever, due to rage caused by watching millionaire athletes and corporate douchebags enjoy all-expense-paid trips to Hawaii they could have easily afforded while the rest of the nation freezes. Other afflicted persons may feel nausea brought on by the truly sickening, apathetic play of the participants as they engage in a cruel farce whose resemblance to the game of football is purely coincidental.”

The potential danger of such epidemics was first recognized in 2002, when a rainy Memorial Day weekend forced millions to see a FOX Game of the Week between the Cubs and Pirates and emergency rooms across the nation were clogged with the afflicted. Casualties totaled five dead and thousands maddened by Joe Buck and Tim McCarver-induced dementia.

“If you happen to accidentally tune into the Pro Bowl,” Cowlins continued, “it is recommended you leave your house immediately, regardless of conditions outside. In the CDC’s opinion, hypothermia and frostbite are preferable to watching this monstrous abortion of a game.”

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had no comment, but sources say he is looking into ways that he can fine the CDC.