Category Archives: Sports

Inappropriate Walk Up Music 2011

Inappropriate Walk Up Music 2011: Brian Wilson

Ron Santo and the Black Cat at SheaTwo years ago, I did a series in the month leading up to Opening Day in which I picked songs that were thoroughly unsuited to be used as Walk Up Music. Walk Up Music are the tunes handpicked by baseball players to be played as they stroll to the plate. In MLB, batters typically pick songs that are intimidating, conveying an atmosphere of bad-assery just waiting to explode. I set out to find songs that were thoroughly unsuited for this purpose. The songs I picked were not necessarily bad. I just couldn’t imagine any baseball player staring out at the mound, knocking the dirt out of his spikes, as these songs blared through the PA.

Here’s a real life example: During the 2000 season, Robin Ventura apparently REALLY got into Bob Dylan. I have audio and video from the playoffs that year in which you can see/hear him striding to the plate along to “Positively 4th Street” and “Like a Rolling Stone.” Classics? I’d say so, and I’m not even a Dylan fan. Appropriate walk up music? Absolutely not.

With Opening Day looming once again, I’ve decided to do this series once again, because there’s no shortage of inappropriate walk up music out there. One difference: back in 2009, I picked three songs a day, but this time I’m limiting myself to one a day, because I have only so many hours in the day, and am lazy.

Our first entry is a tune I found online many years ago, from a Brian Wilson bootleg called Adult Child. It dates from around 1976/1977, roughly at the same time he briefly returned to The Beach Boys, and as such the album has a few appearances from bandmates like Mike Love. It was also recorded at a time when Wilson’s sanity was not at a high watermark. During this period, he liked to compose songs with the classic Beach Boys sound, but which had lyrics that were intensely simple and literal, even by his standards. Next to these tunes, Jonathan Richman’s lyrics sound like Cole Porter’s.

I only have one song from this ancient download: “It’s Trying to Say (Baseball).” It starts out with some sentiments about how Brian loves simple folk and their simple ways. More than a little condescending, but very Wilsonian. You’ll notice his voice is not in the greatest shape, a little scratchy. But that’s not the weirdest part of this song, not by a long shot.

After the first verse, the song degenerates into lyrics about baseball, for some reason, which sound like they were taken straight from marketing copy intended for season ticket holders. Upgrade now! Great seats still available! The lyrics don’t rhyme for the most part, and are delivered in a choppy style that suggests Brian was repeating something he just heard on TV. Take away the four part harmonies and instrumentation, and you could imagine Wesley Willis singing it.

[audio:http://66.147.244.95/~scratci7/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/brian_wilson_baseball1.mp3|titles=Brian Wilson, “Trying to Say (Baseball)”]
Baseball

When Life Gives You Ponzi Schemes, Make Ponzi-Ade

I have not written much about the Mets/Bernie Madoff cluster-hump on this site, or elsewhere, for a number of reasons. The biggest one is, I don’t know what to think about the whole mess. My feelings veer between terror and boredom, like it’s a movie about Zombie Accountants.

Also, I like to think I know a lot of stuff on a wide variety of subjects, but when it comes to finance, I’m lost without a map. (First clue of this fact: That I write way too much for for a site that actually costs me money to run.) I’m sure this affair will drag on for years, with many more revelations and finger pointing and lawsuits to come, so there will be no shortage of opportunities to pen something on the subject.

Plus, I am so sick of sordid items coming out about this team. If it’s not Ponzi schemes, it’s shirt-ripping front office guys or grampa-punching closers. When it comes to my favorite baseball team, it’d be nice to write about, you know, baseball.

metsmadoff.pngBut, if you are inclined to look at the lighter side of the biggest investment fraud in American history, and are also a Mets fan, you might want to consider purchasing one of the shirts pictured here. They can be found over at metsmadoff.blogspot.com, and are the perfect way to display both your support of and disgust with the team from Flushing.

I enjoy the shirts’ semi-distressed look, which in the makers’ words are supposed to evoke “that old Mets shirt you’ve had since the 80s and have washed several hundred times.” I also like the particular blue they’ve chosen, which reminds me of the kind used in the late 1990s unis. (Watch the first Subway Series game from 1997 on Mets Classics to get an idea of what I mean.)

I’ve been told the demand has been overwhelming for these shirts thus far, and that the creators already had to order a new batch. So get yours while you still can, or before some litigious team official takes notice. Sleeve tats optional.

Basketball

Jim Dolan, Master Negotiator

jamesdolan.jpgHow did I get this Carmelo Anthony deal done? Cuz I’m a god damn champion. I mean, not in the sense that I’ve ever won anything. But I am a champ at getting things done. Sure, they may not be the right things, or I may not do them correctly, and I may abandon them midstream to leave a mess for someone else to clean up. But the point is, I do them.

When you go into negotiations like this, you have to show no mercy. Show the eye of the tiger. Be hungry like the wolf. Make sure the look of love is in your eyes. You march into that room, and you say to the man on the other side of the table, in no uncertain terms, “I need to make this deal desperately and no price is too high.” If they walk away from you with a mix of pity and disgust, lunge at their ankles so they can’t leave the room. Crawl if you have to. That’s how you show ’em who’s boss.

I learned to negotiate the same way I learned to play the blues: By watching the greats. With the blues, I observed the greatest artists ever, those masterful interpreters of song, Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi. When you listen to those guys, you understand just how much soul and suffering goes into the music, and also sunglasses. To learn the art of the deal, I watched Aykroyd and Belushi, too. Those guys can sure negotiate their way around a mean mouth harp solo.

For those naysayers out there, nay all you want. We had to make this deal now. The Knicks are two whole games over .500. Cash in all those chips now, baby! The team as it was constructed before had a ceiling of maybe 50 wins. Carmelo Anthony easily makes us a 52-win team.

I’m confident we can get Carmelo to sign an extension. The Knicks play in the greatest arena in the world, Madison Square Garden. Not only is it in the middle of Manhattan, it is in the worst, most expensive, and most unlivable part of Manhattan! Our arena is packed to the gills every day, with commuters dashing desperately for the next train to Piscataway or Levittown. You can’t put a price on that kind of exposure! Plus, there is a Pretzel Time in our sub-basement. ‘Nuff said.

If things get dicey with signing Carmelo, I’ll just bring in my good buddy Isiah Thomas to seal the deal. He’s got a real window into the way these young stars think, since he used to be one, too. I mean, that’s what I hear. I didn’t pay too much attention to basketball back then in the early 90s or whatever.

Plus, we’ve got way too much cap room right now, and I could use Isiah’s help figuring out how to waste it as quickly as possible. I’d like his take on this Latvian point guard I’ve got my eye on. He’s 5’9″ and 335 pounds, but I think he’s got spunk. (“Spunk” is the name of a rare lung ailment indigenous to his region, though I hear it’s treatable.)

Some people don’t like this deal because they think it means the end for Donnie Walsh in the Knicks organization. Nothing could be further from the truth. Donnie has done great things for this team and I want him with us going forward. As long as he’s cool with me making crazy trades all the time and running the draft and undermining his authority in public on occasion. I’m sure he’d have no problem with that. Oh, and we’re probably moving his office next to the Pretzel Time in the sub-basement. But other than that, no changes.

I know not everybody’s not gonna like this deal, and to those people I say, “suck it.” No, seriously, I say “eat it.” No, on second thought, I like “suck it” better. If you don’t like it, why don’t you go run your own basketball team? I put in the work, people. I made sure I was born with several billion dollars to a dad who owns a major cable monopoly. If you whiners had just pulled yourself up from your bootstraps, you could’ve done that, too.

The Knicks are gonna do great things this year. As for next year? Life’s too short to be worrying about tomorrow, man! Live every day like it’s your last. That’s what I do: commit insane deeds with no thought for the future. Can’t argue with the results! I mean, you can, but don’t, okay?