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Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: AL Central

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CHICAGO WHITE SOX

2010 record: 88-74

Biggest offseason acquisition: Adam Dunn, who hates the game of baseball so much he hits 40 home runs every year without fail.

Biggest offseason loss: Jake Peavey’s fleeting healthiness

What outrageous thing will Ozzie Guillen do this season?: To top previous incidents, it will have to involve farm animals.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jhonny Nunez, currently being sued by Jhonny Peralta for copyright infringement.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Juan Pierre, who is apparently still considered employable.

Spring standout: Would you believe me if I told you Lastings Milledge? If not, why would you not believe me? I thought we were friends, bro.

Probable Opening Day starter: Mark Buehrle, who promises to get everyone back on the road in a lean 90 minutes.

Biggest question for 2011: How long can a team run counter to modern baseball thinking and still perform reasonably well?

Strengths: Lineup well suited to home ballpark, willingness to spend stupid money if needed

Weaknesses: Hawk Harrelson

Semi-serious assessment: The loss of Peavey (for however long that lasts) will hurt them, and after Buehrle the pitching staff is not fantastic. But they do have a pretty good bullpen, and a lineup that will hit many homers at their home ballpark (Dunn and Paul Konerko for starters). I would expect them, Detroit, and Minnesota to jockey for first place this summer.

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Baseball, Politics Schmolitics

Chipper and Jesse’s Conspiracy Theory

WELCOME TO CONSPIRACY THEORY WITH JESSE VENTURA. I AM YOUR HOST WHICH MEANS MY NAME IS JESSE VENTURA. THE GOVERNMENT HAS SPARED NO EXPENSE TO KEEP THE TRUTH FROM EVER COMING OUT ABOUT ITS DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS, SO THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPOSE THEM IS ON THIS BASIC CABLE PROGRAM. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER. BASEBALL IS A FINE AMERICAN SPORT, AND THIS MAN IS GOING TO ENGAGE IN ANOTHER FINE AMERICAN SPORT TONIGHT: CONSPIRACY THEORIES! PLEASE WELCOME CHIPPER JONES.

Thanks for having me, Jesse.

CHIPPER WHAT IS YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY IN A NUTSHELL BY WHICH I AM NOT SAYING YOU’RE A ‘NUT’ BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU ARE A FINE AMERICAN WHOSE BRAIN WORKS JUST FINE.

I believe that JFK was assassinated by a conspiracy launched at the highest levels of the American government.

OF COURSE YOU DO. ALL RIGHT-THINKING AMERICAN CITIZENS REALIZED THAT YEARS AGO. WHAT LED YOU TO THIS CONCLUSION?

Well, I’ve been a hunter my whole life and I can’t imagine how one person could’ve gotten off three rifle shots in such a short period of time.

I COULD BECAUSE I AM TRAINED IN ALL THE KNOWN DEADLY ARTS PLUS A FEW OF THE ONES KNOWN ONLY TO ALIENS AND THE ISRAELI ARMY, BUT YOU ARE CORRECT. NO MERE MORTAL COULD DO SUCH A THING.

I once shared my thoughts with John Smoltz. He told me that he was contacted by a mysterious Mr. X in Washington. They met up on a park bench within sight of the White House and Mr. X laid out the whole details of the conspiracy for him. He said it was chilling, and that Mr. X vaguely reminded him of the hero from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A PLOTLINE FROM THE FILM “JFK” BUT I DO NOT CARE.

I also heard that Steve Avery knew too much about the whole thing. That’s why the government had to blow up his left arm.

STEVE AVERY, ANOTHER PATRIOT GONE TOO SOON. HOW WILL YOU CONTINUE TO EXPOSE THIS SHAMOCKERY PERPETRATED ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

I dunno, figure I’ll just play for a month and get another horrible injury or something.

CHIPPER, I HAVE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD A CATASTROPHIC ANEURYSM BACK IN 2005. STAY STRONG, TRUE AMERICANS!

Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2011 MLB Preview: AL West

LOS ANGELES ANGELS

2010 record: 80-82

Biggest offseason acquisition: The “s” in Kendrys Morales’ first name

Biggest offseason loss: Every free agent

Are we finally over joking about the whole “Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim” thing?: Not as long as sports writers confuse themselves with comedians.

Best name on 40-man roster: Loek Van Mil, one of the most overlooked of the Dutch Masters.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: The previously untradeable Vernon Wells.

Spring standout: Farmhand Mark Trumbo, with 5 homers and 13 RBIs this spring thus far.  Scouts praise his batting skills but criticize him for his unwillingness to name names.

Probable Opening Day starter: Jered Weaver, who is this close to asking his brother Jeff to stop crashing on his couch and go get a real job.

Biggest question for 2011: Seriously, they traded for Vernon Wells?

Strengths: Good corps of starting pitchers, easy on/off to all highways

Weaknesses: No one wants to play in Orange County, apparently

Semi-serious assessment: The Angels suffered an almost Mets-ian string of freak injuries in 2010, the Kendry(s) Morales walkoff fiasco being the most infamous. For some reason, they could woo no free agent suitors to come to Anaheim, and so they traded for Wells and his insane contract. They’re already experiencing a string of bad luck this spring on the fronts of injuries (Morales, Joel Pineiro) and performance (Scott Kazmir). Their chances to improve on last year’s record remain slim.
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