Category Archives: Sports

Sports

Make This Show, America

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America has no shortage of TV shows based on British templates. American Idol is the biggest example, and virtually every The Next Top Fill-in-the-Blank program has been stamped from this mold. However, I think we have room for another one. In fact, I can’t believe this show has not yet been adapted for Stateside viewing.

It originates from Sky Sports, the English satellite station that broadcasts a wide array of athletic endeavors to the British public. (The last time I was in England, I took in their thrilling coverage of Premier League Darts.) But soccer–excuse me, football–is obviously the biggest draw. Among their many football-centric programs is Fan Zone, a show that demonstrates that Slob Culture is not only alive in the UK, but thriving. It consists of footage of two fans (one from each team) watching a match, talking smack to one another and commenting on the action.

That’s it? you ask. Yes, that’s it, but watch this clip from a Liverpool-Arsenal match and tell me if you need any more than this. (And before you ask, no, the Arsenal fan is not Peter Garrett from Midnight Oil.)

Or how about this collection of insanity from an Arsenal-Tottenham match?

Amazing. The entire array of human emotions in under three minutes. Heartbreak. Sorrow. Joy. Taunting. Shirtlessness. This is drama, people.

The show is occasionally broadcast here on Fox Soccer Channel as Premier League Fan Zone. But can you imagine if this show was adapted for American sports? Just picture the delicious, hilarious taunting that could go on between fans of rival (American) football teams. And not that this rivalry needs any more exposure, but imagine a Yankees fan and a Red Sox fan locked in a room and forced to yell at each other. It’s the only thing that could make a four-hour-plus AL East game in April tolerable.

Truth be told, I don’t know if American sports like baseball and football could work as well in this format as soccer. Our games are very stop-start, whereas soccer has sustained tension, since the clock never stops and scoring is at a premium. Also, I have a feeling that an American version would inevitably have more violence. And weapons. And fire.

Still, that’s no reason why we can’t try. And if European soccer–a sport that results in actual fan deaths with disturbing regularity–can abide a show like this, surely American sports can. Get on the stick, Hollywood development types. Lift your noses from a mound of coke and hammer out a deal memo on this concept pronto. You can thank me with a producer’s credit later.

Baseball

Frank McCourt Runs Into an Old Flame

Oh, hey Dodgers. Haven’t seen you in forever. Who woulda thought I’d run into you here in Chavez Ravine?…No, I can’t go in for a hug? Alright, a handshake is okay…Or a wave, sure, a wave is fine.

You look great. Really, I mean…wow.

Me? I couch surfed for a while after you kicked me out, stayed with my brother for a bit. Right now I’m rooming with my buddy Mark in Los Feliz. You remember him, right? He does the lighting for I Carly. No? You don’t remember him? He’s an awesome dude. You’d like him.

Yeah, been working out a bit. That’s why I’ve got this bike, trying to stay in shape. The binoculars? Bird watching. I like to bird watch when I, um…when I bike.

Finally working on that screenplay idea, too. Some stuff has really come together in my mind, just really gelled, you know?

God, it’s good to see you. We should get together some time, get some drinks or something. Hey, I know you must be busy since you’re running away, so I’ll leave my new digits with the bat boy, okay?

Sports, The Worldwide Leader, Videocracy

No Brain, No Pain: Chili Pepper Division

This weekend, my brother reminded me of this gem from a college football game broadcast on ESPN in 2007. I remember watching this live and nearly choking to death from laughter. Fun!

In this clip, sideline reporter Rob Stone visits the Chili Pepper Institute at New Mexico State. While there, he tries to act all tough in the face of some the most tongue searing substances in the world. The head of the institute hands him a tiny pepper, which Stone does not treat with the proper respect.

PROFESSOR: This is the Bhut Jolokia, the world’s hottest chili pepper.

STONE: [crunch]

PROFESSOR: A million Scoville units.

STONE: What is that?

The timing and cluelessness displayed here is amazing. This man knows he’s at the Chili Pepper Institute. He is well aware that chili peppers are hot. And yet, he immediately chows down on something without any idea how spicy it might be. Better yet, when told exactly how spicy it is, he continues to act with misplaced bravado and ignorance. “What is that?”

Shortly after taking a huge bite of THE HOTTEST THING IN THE WORLD, Stone starts to experience some serious distress. The professor hands him some milk, but it does him no good. “I’m not even feeling it,” he says, as his brow rapidly moistens with sweat. The professor doesn’t help Stone’s state when he informs him that the effects may last five to six hours.

Watching this video again for the first time in years, I suspect this whole scene may be somewhat staged. However, I also suspect that Stone was told by his producers to take a big bite out of the hottest pepper known to man without any clear idea of just how hot it would be. In either case, it led to pure televisual hilarity.