NBC’s Football Night in America Wild Card Weekend Something or Other is proud to welcome former president of the Lions, Matt Millen. Thanks for being such a good sport and being with us, Matt. I have to say, though, I’m surprised your head is so big. I thought for sure it’d be canteloupe sized. Or at the very least, more of a pinhead shape.
No, no, I have a normal head.
Fascinating. So you are not legally required to wear some sort of helmet? Not even for insurance purposes? Because surely your skull is as soft as a newborn baby’s. I imagine it as one big fontanel.
All the seams in my skull knitted together a long time ago.
How about a dunce cap, do you usually wear that? Or a propeller beanie? Maybe one of those floppy crowns like Jughead wore?
I don’t care much for hats.
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Category Archives: Sports
The New York Douchebag Sportswriters Guild Decrees Eric Mangini’s Fate
As chairman of the New York Douchebag Sportswriters’ Guild, I, Mike Lupica, call this meeting to order. First item of business, all praise and worship be due to Gorlaqk the Dread.
Hail Gorlaqk!
Indeed, Murray Chass. Second item of business, it looks like Eric Mangini might have a job interview with the Cleveland Browns. Do we think this is the next best move for him? The floor recognizes Phil Mushnick.
No. Not only did he lead the Jets to a disastrous end, but he didn’t heed a word of our invaluable advice!
Shall we cut him any slack because that advice varied wildly among all of us from minute to minute?
Surely you jest! There is only one honorable thing for Mangini to do: take his own life.
My mustache and I agree. To go on living would do nothing but bring shame upon his ancestors. It would also make it seem as if our pointed barbs did no damage to his fragile psyche–which surely cannot be true!
I concur, Bob Raissman. So we’re agreed that Eric Mangini can only truly find peace in the icy grip of the grave. The question follows: What would be the best method?
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Stop the Presses – With Horror!
“Hey chief, this just came over the wire: Bill Cowher has no interest in Jets job.“
“This is definitely going on tomorrow’s back cover. Now, we just need to find an appropriate photo, something that will convey the contempt and disgust we have for a man we desperately wanted to come to NY just yesterday.”
“I got one here, chief. This was snapped right after he bit into a meatball sub and got it all over his shirt.”
“No, we’re not going for embarrassing! We’re going for nauseating! This is the first picture millions of people are gonna see this morning when they’re having their breakfast, drinking their coffee, riding the subway. We want them throw up in their mouths when they see this thing!”
“I think I got one, chief. Check it out–he looks like a cross between Hitler and an orc.”
“I can barely contain the vomit churning in my stomach. And you can totally see up his nose, too! This is gonna sicken millions–I love it! Take it down to the art guys and see if they can widen his nostrils in Photoshop, add some more hair up there.”
“Do you want them to add some stink lines, too?”
“No, we got in trouble the last time we did that. The Dalai Lama was not happy. But I like the way you think, kid!”