Category Archives: Sports

Baseball

Fast Times at NL East High

wright.jpgHey, Chipper.

chipper3.jpgS’up, Dave. You goin to that kegger at HanRam’s house place this weekend?

wright.jpgNah. My dad won’t lend me the Dodge. Listen, I gotta talk to you about somethin. I heard you were sayin some shit about me. Said I wasn’t happy at CitiField.

chipper3.jpgFer real? No way, bro. I’d never say somethin like that.

wright.jpgWhen I say I heard it, I mean I actually heard you say it on the radio.

chipper3.jpgOh, yeah. I guess I did kinda say that.

wright.jpgWhy’d you do that, man? I told you that in confidence.

chipper3.jpgI was on the radio and they asked me about your new stadium, so I told em what you said. What else you want me to do?

wright.jpgSay something bland and inoffensive like everyone else does.

chipper3.jpg*pfft* That’s not how Chipper rolls, you know that. I speak my mind.

wright.jpgIt’s a low blow, man. That’s not how bros treat each other.

chipper3.jpgSure it is! I talk shit about everyone in this division. What about that time I told everyone that Dan Uggla eats paste?

uggla.JPGFuck you. That shit tastes good.

chipper3.jpgOr when I spilled the beans about Ryan Zimmerman wetting the bed?

zimmerman.jpgOnce! I did that once!

chipper3.jpgThat’s how it is, man. Bros are always bustin each other’s chops. Don’t get all bent outta shape.

victorino.jpgS’up, losers

/slams Wright into locker with flying elbow

Have fun at jerk practice!

/runs away as fast as possible


chipper3.jpgYou should stick up for yourself, man.

wright.jpgHe was gone so quick, I couldn’t do nothin. And if we’re such best buds, why didn’t you say anything?

chipper3.jpgDon’t worry, I got revenge on that douche. Totally got his sister pregnant.

wright.jpgReally?! Jesus…

chipper3.jpgWell, I got some girl pregnant. You expect me to keep track of that kinda stuff?

Baseball

A Graduate of the WTF School of Art

I might be alone in this. Maybe no one else notices or cares. I am willing to accept that.

But is anyone else as disturbed by the Daily News’ sports cartoonist as I am?

nydn_cartoon.jpgI don’t even know why, but these cartoons terrify me. Maybe it’s the way they only vaguely resemble their subjects. I assume the Yankee is supposed to be AJ Burnett, but it could also be Woody Harrelson. Or Fred Astaire. Or a million other people who it sorta kinda but not really looks like.

Maybe it’s the art’s spiritual similarity to Six Flags caricatures. I’m surprised he didn’t paint Johan Santana on a skateboard.

Maybe it’s the weird kewpie doll cheeks and pouty lips. Painting grown men like this is weird enough. Painting muscly pro athletes like this brings it into the realm of nightmare fuel. I pray you never have to see this artist’s renderings of Alex Rodriguez. 

And to top it off, OH MY GOD, JOSH BECKETT HAS NO PUPILS! HE’S A DEMON!!!

Does anyone else feel the same way, or am I totally alone in this?

1999 Project

1999 Project: Games 45-47

Click here for an intro/manifesto on The 1999 Project.

daveparker_mask.jpgMay 24, 1999: Pirates 7, Mets 4

Thanks to the general ineffectiveness of their starting rotation, the Mets front office debated bringing Jason Isringhausen all season. The member of the ill-fated Generation K missed all of 1998 thanks to elbow surgery, and had appeared in only 33 games since a promising rookie campaign in 1995. Bobby Jones’ trip to the DL (despite Jones’ protests) forced the team’s hand, and he was called up from triple-A Norfolk in time to start the series opener in Pittsburgh.

Izzy showed flashes of the stuff that made him a first-round pick, striking out seven in six innings of work. But his first pitch was tagged for a double, and Jason Kendall clubbed a three-run homer shortly thereafter. The righty would give up another homer and five runs overall. Bobby Valentine called his outing “encouraging,” but it didn’t translate into a win.

The Mets’ offense pulled within one, but Turk Wendell gave up a two-run homer to Ed Sprague that put the game out of reach. They got the tying runs on base in the eighth and ninth innings, but couldn’t get break through against the Pittsburgh bullpen.

May 25, 1999: Mets 8, Pirates 3

Masato Yoshii turned in yet another quality outing–not an overpowering one, but more than effective. The Pirates got the leadoff man on in five of the seven innings Yoshii started, yet were only able to scratch out two runs against him. He gave up a leadoff homer to Al Martin and settled in thereafter, striking out six and inducing two key double plays in 6 2/3 innings of work.

Offensively, the Mets were kickstarted by a 442-foot solo bomb by Mike Piazza off of future battery mate Kris Benson. A few batters later, Brian McRae hit a three run shot, which was all the offense they would need, although they added four more runs against the Pirates’ relief corps.

May 26, 1999: Mets 5, Pirates 2

Orel Hershiser pitched six strong innings to earn the win and helped his cause with a pair of hits. Benny Agbayani knocked the fourth home run of his brief major league career, and John Olerud hit a key two-run single in the top of the ninth to plate some insurance runs.

However, all the post-game talk centered around the Mets’ injury woes. Al Leiter was suffering from a sprained knee, and following an unpromising BP session, Bobby Valentine opted to push back his next start by at least one game. To make matters worse, Isringhausen experienced elbow pain during a throwing session, which jeopardized the likelihood of him making his next scheduled start.

Bobby Bonilla was eligible to return from the DL but refused to take a rehab start in the minors. Instead, he wanted the Mets to fly farm team pitchers into New York for him to face, as they had done with Mike Piazza. (Such a team-first attitude is what made Bonilla a favorite among Mets fans everywhere.)

Unfortunately, the Mets’ troubles were only beginning.