Category Archives: Football

Football

Rex Ryan, Master Motivator

rex.jpgNo, I don’t think the AFC Championship is gonna be a letdown game at all. Whoever wins this wins a trip to the Super Bowl. You can’t get up for that, might as well quit football right now.

Sure, we’re not trash-talking the Steelers like we did the Patriots, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get motivated for this game. My tactic is tell my team that Pittsburgh is full of bad guys. Like really, really bad guys, and we gotta get em and throw em in jail.

What kind of bad guys? I dunno, maybe bank robbers, or ninjas. Every time you tackle them, they get one Jail Point. If you tackle somebody 10 times, they gotta go to jail. Jail is either gonna be the locker room or this really big rock. We haven’t decided yet.

And I’m gonna tell my men that the hash marks are deadly poisonous snakes, and if you step on em, you’re dead. And also the end zone is lava, but if you go in there while holding a football, it can’t hurt you. Oh, and you’re totally safe if you’re standing on the sidelines, but if someone comes off of the field and touches you, you have to stay frozen for like five minutes.

Why are we gonna win this game? Because we got a great defense, we got a great ground game, we’ve got a lot of last-minute wins under our belt, and also the commissioner told me totally get a pizza party if we win this game.

What’s that? Ben Roethlisberger called no-backsies-no-givesies? You can’t do that before the game starts! That butthead!

Football

Bill Belichick Refuses to Admit Existence of Football

belichick.jpgTrash-talking by the Jets? No, I don’t pay too much attention to that. Antonio Cromartie likes to yak, but that’s not part of our game. That’s just the kind of thing reporters like you love to write about, that’s all. We just come to play. You know me, I’m not much for words.

What about Wes Welker’s comments? Look, Wes is someone who works for this organization in some capacity. I really…I can’t say anything beyond that. I juat have to focus on my job.

Do we respect the Jets? I don’t think the answer to that question matters much, in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t affect our game plan. They do what they do, we do what we do. I’m not sure who the Jets are, really. That’s not a name…I’m not familiar with that name at all.

They’re our divisional playoff game opponent? If you say so. I’ll leave that for the media to dissect and…do those sorts of things. We just come to play the game. If you say it’s the divisional playoff game, then okay, fine. I’m not concerned with that.

Will I at least concede we’re playing a football game? No, I mean…look, I know it’s your job to dig out every little secret of ours, but it’s my job to prepare to play a game. And no, I will neither confirm nor deny that said game is football.

You look very frustrated. I’m not trying to frustrate you or anybody else. I’m just trying to do my job, which is to prepare my team for a task. You want to call that a “game”? Go right ahead. It has no bearing on my job, which I would prefer not to discuss.

The thing you have in your hand? It appears to be some sort of ellipsoidal spheroid, formed by stitching together strips of a leather-like polymer and filling it with air. What is it called? Look, you’re not going to play “gotcha” with me. You want to call it a football, call it a football. We’re just going to perform certain deeds. Let the media sort it out any way they want.

Look, holding a knife to my throat isn’t going to get me to admit anything. I have to think about what’s best for the organization, the nature of which is frankly none of your business. I am just an entity leading other sentient beings toward an unspecified goal.

Well, I certainly won’t give away anything just because you’re holding the knife to your own throat. I refuse to be blackmailed. Now…look, bleeding all over my floor won’t change my mind, either. Nor will turning deathly white and gasping for air. I’m just going to keep performing acts that lead to other acts. Stimulus, response, stimulus, response.

Football, Skitch Hanson

Skitch Hanson: Vick of it All

Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know Skitch as the author of the highly popular syndicated column “Up The Middle.” You may have read his best-selling book Mr. November: How Derek Jeter’s Home Run in the 2001 World Series Healed a City I Don’t Particularly Care For. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Opinions! You can follow Skitch on Twitter here. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

vick.jpgLike many football fans, I couldn’t help but be amazed by Michael Vick this season. I thrilled as he wrested the starting quarterback job from Kevin Kolb. Marveled as he regained the form that once made him the game’s most dynamic player. Was floored when he engineered an improbable comeback against the Giants. I had hope that Vick could put his sordid past behind him.

Unfortunately, his collapse in the playoff game against the Packers shows that he still has a long way to go in order to redeem himself for what he’s done.

In the regular season, Vick was an explosive power, a one-man dynamo, one for which few teams were prepared. His arm seemed to finally catch up with his legs, and his mobility threw opposing defenses for a loop all year long. He singlehandedly guided Philadelphia past the Giants into first place in the NFC East and a home playoff game.

But then he squandered that opportunity with a less-than-stellar performance against Green Bay. The numbers speak for themselves–three sacks, only eight rushing attempts, and a defeat-sealing interception in the game’s final moments. Such a lackluster outing dashes all hopes that he was fully rehabilitated for his heinous crimes.

When training camp opens next summer, Vick will find himself back at square one. He will still have to prove that he is the kind of field general who’s capable of carrying his team deep into the playoffs, and is therefore a changed man. Otherwise, he’ll just be the prototypical flashy QB who is all style and no substance, which would also mean he still needs to atone for his misdeeds.

If Vick wants a role model, he need look no further than another player with a checkered past who played on Sunday: Ray Lewis. Eleven years ago, Lewis was involved in a fight that resulted in a man being stabbed to death, and the linebacker found himself indicted for murder. Some thought Lewis would never be able to make up for his role in such a deadly encounter, but he showed them wrong by remaining a defensive force to be reckoned for the next decade.

On Sunday, Lewis captained the Baltimore defense and stifled Matt Cassell all day, resulting in a dominant 30-7 Ravens win. One can only hope that Vick someday learns how to show such remorse.