The NFL has provided free pre-draft entertainment for attendees. It can be found within a 15-block radius of Radio City Music Hall, where sweaty out of towners in Browns and Rams jerseys struggle to adjust to the local New York custom of Walking to Places.- Cam Newton remains the consensus favorite to be the #1 pick, but teams may have soured on him after he appeared on that idiotic Jon Gruden QB Camp monstrosity.
- NFL insiders think this might be the year someone finally decides to take Chris Berman out.
- Rumor has it Jets coach Rex Ryan may make an appearance to join Gang Green fans in hurling obscenities at whoever the team drafts.
- NFL rules state that a team must draft the player commissioner Goodell reads at the podium, even if he reads the wrong name by mistake. That’s how the Cardinals wound up drafting Marisa Tomei in 1990.
- Four millionaire sportscasters have been given an all-expenses-paid trip to Manhattan just so they all can say “This guy knows how to play the game” three times an hour. Just thought you’d like to know that.
- By federal law, all players eligible for the draft must allow ESPN cameras into their home and provide the entire crew with a reasonable lunch-type meal. Simply putting out snacks is not acceptable (see ESPN vs. Tavaris Jackson and Good Guys Catering, 2006).
- The draft concludes on Sunday when “Mr. Irrelevant” is chosen, and Mel Kuiper is placed back into his cryogenic freeze chamber for another 11 months.
- Remember when nobody picked Brady Quinn for, like, forever? That was hilarious.
- Roger Goodell is completely okay with spending money on this self-love fest while giving nothing to catastrophically concussed retired players. Just thought you’d like to know that, too.
- ESPN’s broadcast day will be given over to post-draft wrap-up and debriefing until LeBron dunks something or the next Yankees-Red Sox game, whichever comes first.
Category Archives: Football
Nation’s Bookies Reject NFL’s Appeal
THE POOL HALL–In a huge blow to commissioner Roger Goodell’s efforts to extend the NFL lockout, the league’s appeal of a federal judge’s ruling has been rejected by a council of the nation’s bookies. In affirming the lower court’s decision, the bookies stated that “it’s in the best interest of everyone that we get this shit done, pronto.”
“Training don’t start, preseason don’t start,” said council member Joey Legs at a press conference convened inside Cue Shotz Pool Hall, next to the one working pay phone. “Preseason don’t start, can’t start makin’ odds. I don’t make odds, people don’t bet, I’m broke. Cuz whether I make money or I don’t, I still gotta kick upstairs. The Big Man don’t wanna hear about no lockout. Simple, right? Yeah, real simple, ya fuckwads.”
“We got the fuckin draft starting tonight,” said council member Frankie Beans, who emerged from bathroom mid press conference. “You know how many people woulda come to me with first round picks if it weren’t for this lockout shit. Madon’!”
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell vowed he would appeal the bookies’ decision, but the council believed it was in the league’s best interest to drop any further legal challenges. “Why does this asshole think people watch football, cuz it’s fun?” said council member Danny. “They watch it cuz they all got paychecks ridin on it. What, this ginger asswipe don’t wanna make money.”
Nonetheless, Goddell promised he would go forward with more appeals of the federal court’s decision, and also said, “the ‘ginger asswipe’ remark was unnecessary. I ain’t been nothin but straight with Danny.”
With the NFL matter ruled on, the bookies’ council will now turn its attention to when the hell you plan on getting them their money.
Judge Ends NFL Lockout, Orders Players to Pummel One Another
MINNEAPOLIS–A federal judge officially ended the NFL lockout on Monday and ordered all of its players to “recommence pummeling one another with all due expediency.” In her ruling, Judge Susan Richard Nelson remarked that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had violated players’ rights by “denying them the protections of collective bargaining, and robbing them of the ability to beat each other senseless.”
“This is a great day for NFL players’ rights, for the fans, and for old school ass whuppin’,” said NFLPA president DeMaurice Smith upon hearing of the decision. “By siding with the players, the court has definitively said the owners were in the wrong when they enjoined us from causing catastrophic harm to each other.”
Commissioner Goodell vowed to appeal the decision. “The league feels the judge has erred in her decision and we will continue to seek redress in all legal avenues at the league’s disposal. However, we want to stress that though we may disagree on a few points, the NFL’s owners and my office share with players the desire to see them back on the field killing each other. No one wants to see players crushing bones and causing traumatic head injuries more than we do.”
Despite the ruling, players are still not allowed to practice at team facilities until the judge’s decision is clarified, and until the NFL’s appeal can be filed. During that time, Smith advised players “to continue their usual off season training regimens and murder each other at off-site locations.”