Category Archives: Football

Football

Rex Ryan Thinks the Jets Are Best at Everything Ever

rexryan.jpgBefore Saturday’s MIND BLOWING playoff win in Cincinnati, I handed out a full practice and travel schedule to my team, which included a trip to the Super Bowl. And I took a lot of heat for being so presumptuous. But who’s laughing now? Rex Ryan, that’s who. And Rex Ryan is ME.

I handed out that schedule because I believe the Jets are that good. There is no reason we can not make it to the big dance. Hell, there’s no reason we can’t go to the Super Bowl eight years in a row. I DEFY you to tell me we can’t.

In fact, this team can do anything it puts it mind to. I honestly believe this isn’t simply isn’t the best football team of all time, but possibly the most talented collection of individuals to ever walk the EARTH.

If we decided to play baseball, we’d be better than the 1927 Yankees. If we decided to play basketball, we’d be better than the Jordan-and-Pippen-era Bulls. If we decided to play hockey, I have no idea who we could be compared to because we’d be so good, we’d obliterate all memory of previous teams. And also because I’m not that big a hockey fan and can’t think of any historically good hockey teams.

We are possibly the most skilled artists in the world, too. You should see Justin Keller’s watercolors. He painted a prairie landscape that, I’m not ashamed to admit, brought me to tears. Nick Mangold is singlehandedly reviving the lost art of mosaics. And Braylon Edwards’ mural work is, quite frankly, UNPRECEDENTED. If Picasso were alive and saw his murals, he’d set that piece of shit “Guernica” on fire and kill himself out of shame. That’s a FACT.

We’re also the greatest congregation of literary wits ever. You should hear the conversations we have during the postgame buffets. They make the Algonquin Roundtable sound like a buncha retards. Darrelle Revis let me read the manuscript for his new novel, and it was the most moving thing I’ve ever read. It changed me. It will ROCK American letters, just like he rocks unsuspecting wide receivers every Sunday.

Look, every coach believes in his team. That’s half a coach’s job. I just think that one day, people will worship the New York Jets instead of Jesus Christ. Why is that so outrageous?

Football

Eli Manning and Mark Sanchez Star in, Mixed Messages!

* knock knock *

eli.jpgHey Mark, it’s Eli from next door.
sanchez.jpgWhat’s up?
eli.jpgYou know how the mailman is always mixing up our deliveries? Well, I got this package and I opened it, but I didn’t realize it was for you. Sorry about that.
sanchez.jpgNo problem, it happens. What’s in the package?
eli.jpgA really shitty performance in a must-win game to close out your stadium.
sanchez.jpgWeird. I didn’t order one of those. In fact, the UPS guy just dropped off a surprisingly dominant performance in a must-win game to close out a stadium.
eli.jpgHuh. You sure that wasn’t for me?
sanchez.jpgThe label said “Jets” on it.
eli.jpgYou’re sure it said “Jets”?
sanchez.jpgPositive.
eli.jpgAw geez…now that I look at this package closer, yeah, it does have my name on it. I just, you know, was hoping maybe it didn’t. It seems like the kinda thing you’d get.
sanchez.jpgWell, I didn’t, so…
eli.jpgLike maybe the labels got mixed up at the…factory…or something…
sanchez.jpgSo that’s why you waited a week to bring it by?
eli.jpgIt’s the holidays. You know, everybody’s out of town, and parties…and stuff…I’ve just been so busy, you know?
sanchez.jpgListen, I gotta go pack for the playoffs, so…
eli.jpgPlayoffs, huh? Those are fun. I won a Super Bowl, you know.
sanchez.jpgThat was like three years ago, right?
eli.jpgI still won it!
sanchez.jpgAnd that was awesome! But I gotta split, okay? See you at the new place, okay?
/ slam
eli.jpgYou’re still gonna help me move, right?

"Classic" Scratchbomb, Football

“Classic” Scratchbomb: Don Shula, Mythbuster

shula_time.jpgAs a fan of the Jets, of course I wanted them to beat the Colts on Sunday. But as a fan of non-douchebags, I wished Indy could stay undefeated. Because that would mean they had a chance to win all 19 games, and thus threaten the sore winner tyranny of the 1972 Dolphins. Up until two weeks ago, I hoped both the Saints and Colts would go undefeated in the regular season and win the AFC and NFC championships, thus ensuring there would finally be a completely undefeated team to knock those old crabs off their cheap throne.

In every other sport, when a record falls, the previous record holder (or his family) is on hand to congratulate the new champ and wish him/her well. Even Hank Aaron begrudgingly tipped his cap to Barry Bonds when he beat the all-time home run record. If anyone ever had a reason to flip off the guy who supplanted him in the record books, Aaron did. But Aaron decided the game was bigger than him and paid tribute to Bonds, because he’s not a huge dick.

The ’72 Dolphins don’t suffer from such humility and perspective. They’re like mountain climbers who’ve scaled Everest, and decide to take sniper shots at anyone else who attempts the feat. Each year, they literally pop champagne when the last undefeated team takes a loss–and brag about such poor sportsmanship, on top of it all. And make commercials about it, too.

They insist to whoever will listen about how they’re the best team of all time, which, considering how much football has changed in the last 37 years, is borderline insane. Athletes are conditioned so much better in every single sport now, but especially infootball. Can you imagine the ’72 Dolphins trying to block the linebackers of today? Just look at these guys. They’d be mashed into the ground by the Lions, let alone a decent team.

Oh, and they played one of the easiest schedules in NFL history. Not in the NFL that year. In NFL history. Their opponents that season had a .396 win percentage. They are in the 99th percentile in terms of ease of schedule, all time. An NFL team is less likely to play such an easy schedule every again than a person is likely to be born with a dorsal fin.

Two years ago, when the Patriots were in the midst of their undefeated (regular) season, Don Shula got all a-snitter about how Camera-Gate invalidated their accomplishments. He conveniently neglected to mention that his ’72 Dolphins were not without their own ethical missteps.

He also tried to poke holes in many other grand achievements, on this very web site. It was quite a coup to get him to open up, I must say! You can take a trip down memory lane and read all about it here.