How did I get this Carmelo Anthony deal done? Cuz I’m a god damn champion. I mean, not in the sense that I’ve ever won anything. But I am a champ at getting things done. Sure, they may not be the right things, or I may not do them correctly, and I may abandon them midstream to leave a mess for someone else to clean up. But the point is, I do them.
When you go into negotiations like this, you have to show no mercy. Show the eye of the tiger. Be hungry like the wolf. Make sure the look of love is in your eyes. You march into that room, and you say to the man on the other side of the table, in no uncertain terms, “I need to make this deal desperately and no price is too high.” If they walk away from you with a mix of pity and disgust, lunge at their ankles so they can’t leave the room. Crawl if you have to. That’s how you show ’em who’s boss.
I learned to negotiate the same way I learned to play the blues: By watching the greats. With the blues, I observed the greatest artists ever, those masterful interpreters of song, Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi. When you listen to those guys, you understand just how much soul and suffering goes into the music, and also sunglasses. To learn the art of the deal, I watched Aykroyd and Belushi, too. Those guys can sure negotiate their way around a mean mouth harp solo.
For those naysayers out there, nay all you want. We had to make this deal now. The Knicks are two whole games over .500. Cash in all those chips now, baby! The team as it was constructed before had a ceiling of maybe 50 wins. Carmelo Anthony easily makes us a 52-win team.
I’m confident we can get Carmelo to sign an extension. The Knicks play in the greatest arena in the world, Madison Square Garden. Not only is it in the middle of Manhattan, it is in the worst, most expensive, and most unlivable part of Manhattan! Our arena is packed to the gills every day, with commuters dashing desperately for the next train to Piscataway or Levittown. You can’t put a price on that kind of exposure! Plus, there is a Pretzel Time in our sub-basement. ‘Nuff said.
If things get dicey with signing Carmelo, I’ll just bring in my good buddy Isiah Thomas to seal the deal. He’s got a real window into the way these young stars think, since he used to be one, too. I mean, that’s what I hear. I didn’t pay too much attention to basketball back then in the early 90s or whatever.
Plus, we’ve got way too much cap room right now, and I could use Isiah’s help figuring out how to waste it as quickly as possible. I’d like his take on this Latvian point guard I’ve got my eye on. He’s 5’9″ and 335 pounds, but I think he’s got spunk. (“Spunk” is the name of a rare lung ailment indigenous to his region, though I hear it’s treatable.)
Some people don’t like this deal because they think it means the end for Donnie Walsh in the Knicks organization. Nothing could be further from the truth. Donnie has done great things for this team and I want him with us going forward. As long as he’s cool with me making crazy trades all the time and running the draft and undermining his authority in public on occasion. I’m sure he’d have no problem with that. Oh, and we’re probably moving his office next to the Pretzel Time in the sub-basement. But other than that, no changes.
I know not everybody’s not gonna like this deal, and to those people I say, “suck it.” No, seriously, I say “eat it.” No, on second thought, I like “suck it” better. If you don’t like it, why don’t you go run your own basketball team? I put in the work, people. I made sure I was born with several billion dollars to a dad who owns a major cable monopoly. If you whiners had just pulled yourself up from your bootstraps, you could’ve done that, too.
The Knicks are gonna do great things this year. As for next year? Life’s too short to be worrying about tomorrow, man! Live every day like it’s your last. That’s what I do: commit insane deeds with no thought for the future. Can’t argue with the results! I mean, you can, but don’t, okay?
