Category Archives: Baseball

Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue

Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue: Episode 11

STUDIO 60 ON ROOSEVELT AVENUE
EPISODE 11
WRITTEN COMPLETELY BY AARON SORKIN TOTALLY ALONE AND UNDER GREAT DURESS
RELIVE THE EXCITING INAUGURAL SEASON!
PILOT | EPISODE 2 | EPISODE 3 | EPISODE 4 |
EPISODE 5 | EPISODE 6 | EPISODE 7 | EPISODE 8
EPISODE 9 | EPISODE 10

LOGLINE: Once the nation’s best and most respected baseball GM, Sandy Alderson has been reduced to trying to revive a moribund franchise in the depths of deepest, darkest Queens. Along with his sharp-witted and adoring protégés, he fights off the seemingly endless series of controversies and crises that beset him while trying to run a sports team in the country’s most bustling metropolis, and still look fantastic while doing it. Can the pressures of such an important job crush this singularly talented and gifted individual genius?

ACT I

SANDY ALDERSON enters the front office through a large set of glass doors and is immediately flanked by J.P. RICCIARDI, PAUL DEPODESTA, and MACKENZIE CARLIN, who trail him as he walks through the office

ALDERSON
So what’s the bad news, chums?

RICCIARDI
A Native American civil rights group believes our stadium was built on a Seminole burial ground.

ALDERSON
Inform them there were never Seminole tribes in this area but we have the utmost respect for their ancient and sacred beliefs nonetheless. Next?

DEPODESTA
Our new third baseman wants a patch on his uniform to commemorate Jerry Garcia.

ALDERSON
If he can sew it on himself, he’s welcome to. Next?

CARLIN
The city’s board of health has traced an outbreak of swine flu back to one of our concession stands.

ALDERSON
Then I guess we’re sending out for pizza today. Is that all? Sounds like an easy day, by my standards.

CARLIN
No, there is also a huge guy in a muscle tee in your office, demanding to speak with you.

ALDERSON
We didn’t lead with that, huh?

CARLIN
Always put your best stuff last.

ALDERSON enters his office and sees JOSE CANSECO sitting at his desk, feet up, frantically mashing a cable remote and flipping through channels on a large wall-mounted flat screen. An enormous, messy meatball sub sits on the desk. CANSECO is wearing very faded zubaz and a muscle tee that stops just above a protruding gut.

CANSECO
Do you guys get the pay porn channels here? I think this girl I knew in rehab is gonna be on one of ‘em in like five minutes.

ALDERSON
By all means, make yourself at home.

CANSECO
I already have.

ALDERSON
Yes, clearly. I was being…never mind. What do you want?

CANSECO
Don’t you wish they could make, like, a buffalo meatball? You got buffalo wings and buffalo chicken sandwiches but no buffalo meatballs? How come nobody’s done that yet? I would eat the hell out of a buffalo meatball sub. I’d eat the hell out of two of ‘em. Not even blink, man. I don’t care what I do.

ALDERSON
What do you want from me, Jose?

CANSECO
Remember when we talked in the parking lot the other day, Sandy?

ALDERSON
Yes, I recall you scaring me half to death, then ending our meeting with a vague threat.

CANSECO
C’mon, that’s all water over the bridge. I’m here because I can help you, Sandy.

ALDERSON
Yes, my office was dangerously low on marinara stains. I appreciate you helping out in that department.

CANSECO
No, in the playoff hunt! If you guys wanna make a run at the championship cup, you’re gonna need a bat like mine in your lineup.

ALDERSON
You do realize that at this point in the season, we can’t add any more players, because if we did, we’d have to expose someone on our 40-man roster to waivers, which…what am I saying, of course you don’t realize that.

CANSECO
Just gimme a tryout, Sandy. Let me prove there’s still some sugar left in this gas tank!

ALDERSON
Why do you even want to play baseball again? You look like you’ve been exercising to a John Belushi workout routine.

CANSECO
Because I miss it, Sandy. The crowds, the cheers, and yeah, even the boos. I miss the way I felt when I would walk out on a baseball field—alive, truly alive. I haven’t felt that way in years, and I want to feel it again, even if it’s just once before I die. And I also have at least three exes on my ass for child support payments. They repossessed my PS3, man!

ALDERSON
Fine. I’ll call up the coaches and scouts and get them to…

CANSECO
No, Sandy, I want you to give me a tryout. Throw me some BP. It’ll be just like old times!

ALDERSON
I never threw batting practice in Oakland.

CANSECO
I mean the old times the way they oughta be!

ALDERSON
[sighs] Fine, just give me a minute.

ALDERSON skirts around the desk and grabs the doorknob for his private bathroom.

CANSECO
I wouldn’t go in there. Someone clogged it up real good.

ALDERSON
Was that someone you?

CANSECO
I’m not sayin’ nothing. I ain’t no snitch!

Continue reading Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue: Episode 11 →

Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue

Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue: Episode 10

STUDIO 60 ON ROOSEVELT AVENUE
EPISODE 10
WRITTEN COMPLETELY BY AARON SORKIN TOTALLY ALONE AND UNDER GREAT DURESS
RELIVE THE EXCITING INAUGURAL SEASON!
PILOT | EPISODE 2 | EPISODE 3 | EPISODE 4 |
EPISODE 5 | EPISODE 6 | EPISODE 7 | EPISODE 8
EPISODE 9

LOGLINE: Once the nation’s best and most respected baseball GM, Sandy Alderson has been reduced to trying to revive a moribund franchise in the depths of deepest, darkest Queens. Along with his sharp-witted and adoring protégés, he fights off the seemingly endless series of controversies and crises that beset him while trying to run a sports team in the country’s most bustling metropolis, and still look fantastic while doing it. Can the pressures of such an important job crush this singularly talented and gifted individual genius?

ACT I

The office. J.P. RICCIARDI, PAUL DEPODESTA, and MACKENZIE CARLIN sit in a bank of cubes, typing away on their computers with their backs to one another.

DEPODESTA
Do you ever feel completely meaningless?

RICCIARDI
No, that’s just you.

DEPODESTA
I’m serious. Sometimes I feel like I’m just here to serve others.

RICCIARDI
Yes, your boss. It’s called “having a job.”

DEPODESTA
No, I mean it just feels like I’m here to advance a plot. You know, so someone else can have a person to bounce dialogue off of.

CARLIN
Not me. I am fully in charge of my own universe.

DEPODESTA
How do you know that? How do you know you’re not some bit player in a drama that’s not even about you? Like, the camera just lingers on you only when you’re talking to the “star,” and the rest of your existence is completely without meaning or purpose?

CARLIN
I have never thought that in my entire life. I went to Harvard!

A large man covered in head to toe in umpire’s gear, including mask, quickly zips past their cube bank. Only DEPODESTA seems to notice him.

DEPODESTA
Did you guys see that?

CARLIN
See what?

DEPODESTA
An umpire just ran by.

RICCIARDI
Umpires aren’t allowed inside front offices. You know that.

DEPODESTA
So maybe we should report him.

CARLIN
If it’s a problem, I’m sure someone will take care of it.

DEPODESTA
Don’t you understand? This is our chance to be part of the drama, to act before the camera cuts away!

Cut to: SANDY ALDERSON’s office. He sits at his desk, talking on the phone. Bright sunlight trails in from his windows, and we see a beautiful green ballfield cascading off into the distance behind him.

ALDERSON
Yes, you can quote me on that…Yes, I do believe that before the decade is out, there will be a cyborg in the major leagues, and I have no issue with that…Should cyborgs be allowed to take performance enhancing drugs? Well, that’s a separate issue. Let’s wait until cyborgs actually exist before we tackle that conundrum.

The UMPIRE kicks down ALDERSON’s office door.

ALDERSON
Excuse me, I’m having a private and extremely hypothetical discussion here.

The UMPIRE pulls a gun from his pocket, walks over to ALDERSON’s desk, grabs the phone with his free hand, and hangs it up.

ALDERSON
Mike Lupica is going to be very upset if he thinks I hung up on him.

UMPIRE
You’d do better to concern yourself with the gun I have pointed at you, Mr. Alderson.

ALDERSON
I’ve spent some time in the Marines, sir, so I try not to worry about guns until they go off. Didn’t catch your name, by the way.

UMPIRE
My name is not important. I am foot soldier in the Arbiters Liberation Army, and I’m here to take you hostage.

ALDERSON
Would Ted be okay? I’ve always liked the name Ted.

UMPIRE
Your glibness will not save you, Mr. Alderson. This is a very serious matter, and I suggest you take it as such, because I have no qualms about ventilating your smug little body.

ALDERSON
Forgive me. I was in 17 hostage situations last season alone, so I forget it’s not a complete bore to everyone. Please, sit on my couch, put your feet up. I imagine we’re going to be here for a while as you make your demands and lecture me on something or other.

UMPIRE
SILENCE! I am in charge of this situation! I will not be condescended to by my hostage and I WILL be heard! But I am a little tired after skulking all the way here, so if you don’t mind…

ALDERSON
By all means.

The UMPIRE sits down on ALDERSON’s couch and takes off his shoes.

UMPIRE
Oof. My dogs are barkin’ today.

Continue reading Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue: Episode 10 →

Baseball

Tony LaRussa Shall Not Be Mocked

Do you hear those insolent fans, Yadier?

Yes, sire. I believe that’s the local custom of “giving you the business.”

I care not a whit for what these barbarians call it in their vulgar dialect. They’re mocking me, Yadier. Me! Would you not say that the Cardinals play the game of baseball the way t’was intended to be played?

No one would dare say otherwise, sire.

And would you also not say that baseball is the Good Lord’s game?

Certainly, sire.

Of course you would. Therefore, it follows that the Almighty has appointed me to rule these Cardinals. To stand for such insolence against me would be to mock His Divine Will. And that I cannot brook! Instruct the pitcher to hurl the sphere toward one of their beloved favorites.

Certainly, sire. I will command him to dent Ryan Braun’s upper back. Will that be all?

Continue reading Tony LaRussa Shall Not Be Mocked →